Captive Thinking

Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us, Part 5

2012-02-02T16:39:00.005-06:00

“Defining Forgiveness”

The primary New Testament word for forgiveness means literally to “release” or “let go”. When Joseph relinquished vengeance toward his brothers, he never picked it up again. In fact, it was his brothers who couldn't let it go. When their father Jacob died years later, they anxiously asked themselves: What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back or all the wrongs we did to him? They were afraid that Joseph had been plotting revenge, only waiting for Dad’s death. But Joseph still would not condemn them for the sludge of the past, only speaking his enduring conviction that God intended it for good... the saving of many lives. And when they offered themselves as his slaves, Joseph turned them down and graciously promised to care for them in the years to come: Don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children. His genuine forgiveness demanded no apologies, no reformation, no restitution. Wow!

The ancient Greeks did not praise forgiveness. They believed forgiveness was appropriate if actions were done primarily through ignorance. But for evil deeds, they thought revenge was the appropriate response. And revenge was sweetest if done by the hands of the injured.

Why didn't Joseph get even with his brothers? He believed in a different sort of justice. When his brothers feared retaliation, he asked: Am I in the place of God? When he forgave, he was releasing his brothers to the True Judge, The He-Never-Errs-In-His-Judging Judge who will give to each person what is due him for things done while in the body, whether good or bad. (II Cor.5:10)

Jay Adams has written that when I forgive, I am making three promises:

I will not bring the matter up to you.
I will not bring the matter up to others.
I will not bring the matter up to myself.

The last promise—to not bring the matter up to myself—is the basis of the other two. When I don’t hold onto bitter memories, I won’t act out thoughts which hurt you or your name.

Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us, Part 4

2012-01-07T11:30:00.004-06:00

“Forgiveness Doesn’t Minimize Sin”

A true injury should not be sanitized: “Oh, that’s no big deal.” Though Joseph came to understand that God had used his brothers’ sin for good, he still believed their intent was to do evil. (Gen.50:20). As C.S. Lewis has written, “Christianity does not want us to reduce by one atom the hatred we feel for cruelty and treachery. We ought to hate them.” Thus the Bible commands us to be angry and do not sin.

Why is the forgiver’s anger important? First, if I let my anger go too quickly, I may lose the drive to protect myself (and others) from being injured again by this person. The games Joseph played with his grain-seeking brothers—jail time for all, jail time for one, their silver secretly returned in their sacks—may have been designed to answer the questions: Have they changed? Should I seek a relationship with them? A wife whose husband has been abusive must forgive him. But it may not be wise to let him back into the house—not all abusers should get their jobs back.

Lewis Smedes explains the gulf between forgiveness and reconciliation:

It takes one person to forgive.
It takes two to be reunited.

We can forgive a person who never says he is sorry.
We cannot be truly reunited unless he is honestly sorry.

Forgiving has no strings attached.
Reunion has several strings attached.

Rightful anger is also important because the sinner needs to see his sin through the eyes of a righteous God. Joseph’s brothers needed God’s forgiveness even more than their brother’s. Though it may have been easier for Joseph to suffer in silence, calling his brother’s actions evil may have helped them face their guilt before a holy God. Otherwise, they may have concluded that no real change was needed.

Though the forgiver’s anger must never turn to vengeance, it doesn’t have to abandon justice. (Admittedly, the line between vengeance and justice is faint and unsteady). Or as Lewis has written, “we may punish, if necessary, but we must not enjoy it.” A forgiving Joseph would have been justified in throwing his wicked brothers in prison.

Forgiveness, reconciliation and justice are separate issues.

Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us, Part 3

2011-12-19T14:00:00.008-06:00

“God’s Work”

Joseph was enslaved, slandered, and shackled because of the jealous hatred of his brothers. What had he done to deserve such cruelty? At worst, he was a puffed up brat.

But now (20 years later) when Joseph’s grain-desperate brothers stood before their unrecognized brother, Joseph had the authority to avenge their wickedness. Instead, he forgave them. Why? When Joseph finally revealed himself as the long-lost brother, three times (Gen.45:4-8) he trumpeted God’s baffling control over these evil events:

• It was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.
• God sent me ahead of you to preserve a remnant for you.
• It was not you who sent me here, but God.

God sent me.... God sent me.... God sent me--is there a theme here?! Though his brothers were sub-agents, Joseph believed that God was the ultimate agent of his hardships. Sinful human will combined mysteriously with divine will to save Jacob’s family from a greater tragedy.

Were Joseph’s brothers, then, dangling on the strings of an omnipotent puppeteer? The Bible doesn’t answer this question in either/or terms. Man is free and God is in control. How can both be true? I don’t know. But Joseph could forgive because he saw God craft good from his brothers’ evil.

As with Joseph, we may wait decades before we see God’s fingerprints in our suffering. We might be tempted to whisper in God’s ear, “Couldn’t you make it a little more obvious that You are in charge?!” Joseph had suffered in the dark all those years. But when he saw his brothers bow before him, he recalled his childhood dreams of his brothers’ obeisance. He now knew that this whole experience was somehow a part of God’s greater, life-saving plans.

God asks us to forgive before we discern the good that He will spawn. It is the promise that in all things God works for the good of those who love him which sustains us. If you were ignored by a self-absorbed father, forgive your father and trust God to bring good out of that evil. If you lost your job because a co-worker fraudulently undermined you, forgive your co-worker and trust God to bring good out of his malice. If your brother swindled you out of your inheritance, forgive your brother and trust God to care for your genuine needs. If you were sexually abused as a child, forgive the abuser and trust God to bring good out of that wickedness.

We serve a God who dwarfs and can transform any sin—remember the victory of the cross!

Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us: Part 2

2011-11-26T11:00:00.007-06:00

“Why We Don’t Forgive”

A famine in Canaan forced Jacob to send ten of his sons to Egypt to buy life-sustaining grain. (Benjamin, dad’s new favorite, stayed home.) When they arrived, they were given an audience with the architect of Egypt’s grain surplus. What a twist of fate! The man was none other than Joseph, though his brothers didn’t recognize an older, Eyptianized Joseph. But Joseph recognized them immediately.

Put yourself in Joseph’s shoes. Standing before you are the brothers who conspired to destroy you. Their cruelty caused you incredible suffering--sold to slave traders, re-sold to an Egyptian official, falsely accused of rape, imprisoned, and more. But now your day has come. Though you buried the hatchet years ago, you now have an unexpected opportunity to dig it up and hack your brothers down to size. What will you do?

Joseph didn’t seem to know what to do with them so he remained a stranger and spoke harshly to them: You are spies! You have come to see where our land is unprotected. He then threw them all in prison. Then on second thought, he released all but Simeon who would only be released if they returned with their brother Benjamin (Joseph’s only full brother). Was Joseph toying with them? punishing them?

Biblical stores are not fairy tales which offer simple problems and simple solutions. Forgiveness for deep hurts is seldom quick or easy—and it wasn’t for Joseph. Why is it hard? Forgiveness often feels like we are letting people get away with something. Joseph didn’t want his brothers “to admit [they] made a mistake, flip an apology in [his] direction, and go on as if [they] had done nothing worse than burping before dessert.”

Like Joseph, we may want to deliver some pain to our abusers--a wife who bitterly complains to her husband about his work schedule, knowing that her nagging wounds him; the employee who sharpens his dagger of bitterness so that he can slash his lazy workmate; a brother who frequently broadcasts the cruel deeds of an older brother, hoping to shame the brother who caused him so much agony as a child.

Though we may enjoy tormenting those who have tormented us, this is not God’s solution to our pain.

Joseph: Dad's Favorite

2011-11-07T09:49:00.004-06:00

Imagine growing up with eleven brothers and your Dad had an obvious favorite—and it’s not you! On one occasion your festive father came home with a brand new, top-of-the-line leather coat for the favorite. But then Dad herded the rest of you to Goodwill to choose one of their second-hand coats. Now Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, ... and he made him a richly ornamented robe for him. In time, your animosity toward this brother consumed you. When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him. But your brother wasn’t content to accept his special standing with humility. Listen to this dream I had: We were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it. Your brother’s arrogance inflamed your swelling anger. And they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said.

Many of us have been deeply wounded by the sins of others. Some of those painful memories hit us with the “blunt impact of a sledgehammer, with enough force to knock [us] loose from the present.” As a result, we would be willing to trade almost anything for a delete key on the keyboard of time. The only way to remove this “nettle in our memory” is through “a surgical procedure called forgiveness. It is not as though forgiving were the remedy of choice among other options. It is the only remedy.”

Over the next several posts I plan to use the story of Joseph and his brothers to discuss forgiveness. As the story of Joseph reveals, the abuses in relationships are seldom one-sided. Dad committed the sin of favoritism (which he learned at his mother’s knee) and the sin of indifference (he made feeble attempts to resolve these filial conflicts). Joseph sinned by flaunting his role as the favorite. Joseph’s brothers sinned by nursing a hatred of their brother.

All these sins produced a cauldron of animosity and bitterness which boiled over into violence. Joseph, who was the most privileged, became the most abused. Thus, this is primarily a story about how he came to forgive his brothers.

The Prodigal Son: Coming Home

2011-10-24T19:15:00.006-05:00

An anxious prodigal journeyed home, practicing his speech: “Father, I have sinned ...” His thoughts raced with the possible conclusions to this painful ordeal. “Will dad take me back? Will he speak to me? Will he allow me to be one of his hired servants?” But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. Norman Cox imagined this scene from the perspective of the Prodigal when he saw his home in the distance: “He became aware that a man had left the house and was running to meet him. ‘Who can it be, and why is he running?’ He did not remember any servant who ran like this one, and he knew it was not his elder brother. The one who ran was like his father. He remembered his father’s running when they played games together when he was a boy. It could not be his father, however, because his father was too old to run like that. Thus he speculated until the father was near enough to recognize beyond all doubt. He was astounded that his father ran so fast. But he was more amazed at the radiance of his father’s countenance.”

The son began his memorized speech but his overjoyed father didn’t let him finish. Robe and ring and sandals were quickly brought for the disheveled son: Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine who was dead is alive again; he was lost and is found. So they began to celebrate. It was time to party!

Jesus meant this story to be a picture of God and us. It is a story of “our self-willed breaking away from (God) into adventures far from God. In it he has shown us the inescapable consequences of sin.” But in the story we also find that God, with an indescribable longing and yearning (he runs toward repentant sinners!), waits for a Prodigal to come to himself because only “then will he become conscious of his need and his guilt, and be moved to abhor and confess his sin.”

God isn’t looking for endless apologies or explanations. He only wants a confession: I have sinned against heaven and against you. Then he can restore you to your rightful place as one of God’s loved and blessed sons.

The Prodigal Son: Part 7

2011-09-29T15:22:00.004-05:00

The Parents of a Prodigal

Waiting for Prodigals to come home can be agonizing. David Sheff, whose son was nearly devoured by drugs, admitted: “I am becoming used to an overwhelming, grinding mixture of anger and worry. It is a bleak and hopeless feeling.” In Jesus’ story, the father thought he would never see his son again—this son of mine was dead. And unfortunately, many Prodigals teeter back and forth between death and life—there may be several homecomings!

What produces a Prodigal? Many parents blame themselves. David Sheff explains: “I often feel as if I have totally failed my son. In admitting this, I am not looking for sympathy or absolution, I am stating a truth that will be recognized by most parents who have been through this.” Sheff continually asked himself where he had gone wrong: “Did I spoil him? Was I too lenient? Did I give him too little attention? Too much? If only his mother and I had stayed together. If only and if only and if only ...”

But Jesus’ story doesn’t blame the father—the blame is squarely on the son. The son was the one who came up with and executed the plan to gain his inheritance and run to the Far Country. Even when parents share the blame, it does no good to pummel themselves. They will need all the strength they have—and more!—to fight today’s battles.

The Far Country isn’t just the choice of troubled kids. David’s Sheff’s son was a good student, happy, loved his parents, but thought he could dabble in drugs. He discovered the hard way that drugs were more potent than he was. At one point during his recovery, he suffered a relapse: “I got cocky. It’s this trick of addiction. You think, My life isn’t unmanageable, I’m doing fine. You lose your humility. You think you are strong enough to handle it.”

Parents, do you realize the danger that modern kids face? When I was a child, drugs were only something doctors’ prescribed. Today, “drugs pervade every college campus in America, and every city, so a young adult must learn how to live among them.” We must prepare our children so they understand the pull of the world and their own propensity to sin. Unless they learn how to humbly depend on God's strength, they may become painfully lost in the Far Country.

The Prodigal Son: Part 6

2011-09-09T16:26:00.006-05:00

The Other Sinner

Why did Jesus have to ruin a good story? Doesn’t he like happy endings?! Just when we were enjoying a good party, the father’s elder son returned from his field work wanting to know why there was music and dancing. When he found out that the party was for his wayward brother, he became angry and refused to go into [the party].

The older brother’s anger is understandable. While his brother was sowing his wild oats, this brother was sowing real oats for his father. He probably thought: “What are you doing, Dad?! Throwing a party for a son who squandered everything and came home because it was his last choice?! He’ll just do it again. Maybe you’re taken in by him but I’m not!” I have a friend whose parents have bailed out his brother again and again and again. The result? He has never become a responsible adult.

But this isn’t a bailout, it is a homecoming. Dad didn’t replenish the Prodigal’s bank account, he simply threw a party for his returned-from-the-dead son. Isn’t that what a dad should do?! Jesus included a second brother in this story to show that there are different types of sinners. The father had two sons who were lost. The first was lost in the far country of debauchery; the second in the far country of pride. Listen to Mr. Responsibility’s claim to his father: All these years I have been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Could any child never disobey?!

The elder brother’s prideful sin led him to reject his brother even before he talked with him. Speaking to his father he called his brother: This son of yours. He could only see what his brother was, not what his brother could become. Arrogant people give no second chances. The person you were as a teen is the same person you are as an adult.

The apostle Paul observed that the sins of some men are obvious, reaching the place of judgment ahead of them; the sins of others trail behind them. (I Tim.5:24) Newspapers are full of Prodigals’ sins. But few divulge the cold, unforgiving hearts of elder brothers. These Elder Brothers often boast of sins they have not committed but are blind to the sins that are destroying them.

Are you having trouble forgiving someone? Are you willing to confess that your unwillingness is also a sin? Repent before your heart becomes a stone.

The Prodigal Son: Part 5

2011-07-19T11:54:00.003-05:00

The Way Home

When the Prodigal confessed—I have sinned—was he sincere? It appears so. Trudging back home after having made such a fool of himself could not have been easy, but he didn’t dilute his confession with excuses. “I have sinned but ...

• you should not have given me the money.”
• I had to get away from my self-righteous brother.”
• I had temporary insanity.”
• that far country is full of crooks.”

He accepted blame completely, now realizing that “having his own way was the worst thing that could have happened to him.”

The second part of the Prodigal’s homecoming speech also points to his sincerity: I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me as one of your hired servants. In these words, the Prodigal evidenced a complete surrender, one “without reservation, qualification or equivocation.” He believed he had forfeited the rights of a son and would humbly accept becoming one of his father’s servants. His change of attitude was remarkable. Though he once viewed his home as a prison, he was now willing to imprison himself as a slave in that same household.

Not all prodigals make it home. Some are overwhelmed by their shame: “The pangs which follow a loss of self-respect are tortuous. Not many have sufficient courage to face them. In every possible way they seek to escape. Although God forgives, they cannot forgive themselves. There are thousands of solitary drunkards who drink themselves into oblivion every night in an effort to buy a few hours’ escape from their agonizing loss of self-respect.”

There is only one road home for a prodigal. Returning humbly, brokenly, without excuse to the Father is their “one lone star of hope.”

The Prodigal Son: Part 4

2011-06-23T08:45:00.003-05:00

"I Have Sinned"

Many Prodigals want liberation, not transformation; the removal of pain, not the removal of guilt. The prophet Hosea describes them: They do not cry out to [God] from their hearts, but wail upon their beds. (14:7) These rebels would gladly stay in the far country if life still worked.

When Jesus’ Prodigal (Luke 15) ran out of money in the far country, he found a job: So he hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to feed pigs. He longed to feed himself with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. What an indignity for a conscientious Jew—he was hired to feed pigs! And then his employer added to his shame by not paying him. It was at this low point, hungry and humiliated, that he came to his senses. How many of my father’s hired hands have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! He knew what he had to do to live: I will set out and go back to my father.

So the run-away son limped home—all he had left was a broken heart and a prepared speech: Father, I have sinned.... These are exceptional words—even in the Bible. From Genesis to Revelation, the words “I have sinned” occur only thirteen times. And only twice do they appear to be genuine (David and this Prodigal). Those two are the only confessions which include a declaration of guilt and a plea for pardon.

I must be honest--I don’t find confession easy. When I have flung unkind words at my wife and know that my confession can restore peace, I agonize over whether to admit my sin. Though my sin is obvious to both of us, I can’t voice it. Why is my voice box suddenly frozen? Is this a foreign language I don’t know? Would it help to hire a Professor Higgins (My Fair Lady) to teach me how to speak these words? “Repeat after me: `I have sinned. I have sinned. I have sinned.’”

Cathy and I occasionally do some marriage counseling. The first meeting with a couple is totally predictable--each will spew out a long list of the other's failings. They are simply reflecting fallen human nature--a bent toward magnifying others’ sins and minimizing our own. Are you overwhelmed by your mate’s sins? Would you like to confront your best friend with her flaws? Are you angered by the lack of love from a parent? Step back. Take a minute to raise the mirror in front of your own soul. Ask God to help you see your own culpability in whatever is broken between you and someone else: Search me, O God, and know my heart; ... See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. God is the only one who can enable me to see and confess my own sin.

The Prodigal Son: Part 3

2011-05-25T10:30:00.011-05:00

Should Prodigal's Be Rescued?

The Prodigal’s well-healed life was probably sunny for some time. With abundant resources, friends were easily purchased. Their flattery “intoxicated his vanity until he was sure of his superiority.” But when a famine in the land coincided with a famine in his pocketbook, all his “friends” were gone. His wild oats had “ripened into famine, his purchased friends into grunting swine”—He began to be in want.

Oh, the depths of the Prodigal’s humiliation—feeding pigs! “This was the most horrible spiritual hell that could ever befall a halfway decent Jew of that day. To work for a Gentile was bad enough, but to feed pigs was even worse.” Feeding animals which the Law said were unclean, would have been a pious Jew’s “ultimate degradation”—worse than being “forced into begging, thievery, or even prostitution.”

No parent would choose such devastation for his child. But it may be good news and a reason to not run to the far country to save your child. When the prodigal experienced want, when he came to the end of himself—his own strength, his own plans, his own devices, his own friends--only then was he ready to head for home.

David Sheff’s son became lost in the Far Country of Drugs. But from his journey through his lengthy nightmare, he learned how to help lost children: “I would not in any way help someone using drugs to do anything other than return to rehab. I would not pay their rent, would not bail them out of jail ..., would not pay their debts, and would never give them money.” If we "rescue" a Prodigal from living and eating with the pigs, he may never make the journey Home where a feast awaits him.

Sheff came to realize that he could not rescue his son: “I am confident that I have done everything I could do to help Nic. Now it’s up to him. I accept that I have to let him go and he will or will not figure things out.” Some people must learn the hard way that life’s kicks have kickbacks.

The Prodigal Son: Part 2

2011-05-09T20:58:00.007-05:00

The Lure of "Far Countries"

The Prodigal was enraptured by the promise of the far country. And surprisingly, Dad gave this impudent son his future inheritance—He divided his living between them. Why would Dad give in to his son when he certainly could have predicted the tragic results? As Norman Cox has written, there “comes a time when fathers can no longer protect their children from themselves.” Dad knew that this boy would have to learn hard truths the hard way. One of those truths is that far countries “always turn out more and more like home the longer you stay there.... People are people the world over. If they cut your throat on Wall Street, they will skin you alive in Hong Kong. If they don’t appreciate you in Podunk where they know you, they certainly won’t appreciate you in Paris where they never saw you before. At home the young son was at least the son of his father. In the far country he was only a foreign yokel ripe for fleecing.”

How many of us have felt the pull of the far country—a new city, a new job, a new church, a new spouse? I know a woman in a troubled marriage whose friends wanted to navigate her to a destination called RELIEF. The ports-of-call on this cruise sounded lovely: Peace, Freedom, New Start, New Husband. But in the same way that cruise brochures conveniently leave out some destinations: Sickness, Stormy Seas, Cramped Accommodations, her friends description of Relief failed to mention that she would also dock at Distressed Children, Loneliness, and Financial Stress. Though her friends’ advice promised to remove her pain and offer a quick solution, she discovered that she had been duped. She was believing the “lies of Satan rather than the harsh but redemptive truths of God.” When she was willing to listen, God showed her that her marriage’s problems were not terminal, that her husband was not solely at fault, that with God’s help and hard work she could save her marriage.

The Prodigal Son: Part 1, What Is Freedom?

2011-04-20T09:36:00.017-05:00

The son of a wealthy rancher came to his father with a demand:

“Dad, give me my share of your estate.”
“But son, I haven’t died yet.”
“So what? I still want you to cash in your IRA and your insurance policies, sell your stocks, and give me my share of the money.”
“But son, where are you going?
“Someplace a whole lot better than here.”
“But, son, what is your hurry?”
“Dad, you haven’t let me experience the world. How can I become my own man while I am living under all these binding rules? I need freedom!"
“But son, what is freedom?”

This essentially is the opening of the Biblical story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15). In the Biblical account: (a)the son wanted his inheritance—Father, give me the share of property that belongs to me. (b)The father gave him his share!—So he divided his living between [his two sons]. (c)The son split—Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took his journey into a far country.

The father in my account asked a good question: "What is freedom?" Is it a “life without limits”? An unrestricted life would be like driving a car without any road rules—Demolition Derby here we come! Proper limits actually increase our freedom. I feel free to drive my car on the highway because I know most drivers will obey laws like: “Drive on the right side of the road.”

Peter Kreeft has written that God’s laws are the fence He puts up near life’s cliffs. I welcome a fence when I am standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon—it is for my protection. Though I still have the freedom to blast through it or leap over it, the predictable result will be a shattered body. The rules in the Prodigal's household were a blessing to that young man. He began to be in want after he fled to the far country.

God’s laws, then, are designed to shelter us. When a couple refuses to wander sexually, it gives them a more satisfying sex life (as surveys show repeatedly.) When a person refuses to manipulate others, he delights in healthy relationships. When a leader rejects enthroning himself, he will find joy in serving others. There is a moral current to this world. You have the freedom to paddle upstream. But is that freedom?

Gardening the Soul: The Harvest, 8

2011-03-07T09:29:00.014-06:00

Special Times and Seasons

Late summer is watermelon time in Texas. Young Allen Lacy asked his granddaddy why they couldn't eat it all year round. This elderly man's thoughtful reply was:

We have watermelons because the Good Lord saw fit to give us watermelons. It was one of the better things He did, and special things need special times and seasons. God gave Texas a little more heat than most places just so that our watermelons would be the best on earth. It's a blessing, but the last thing in the world we need here in Texas is a few more months of heat, just for the sake of more watermelon.

Unfortunately, most grocers are not bound by "times and seasons"—I can buy peaches any month of the year. But how does a January peach taste that was picked green in South America, trucked to a port, shipped to a U.S. port, trucked to a warehouse and, finally, delivered to my grocery store? What do you think?! It is either stone hard or mushy soft. After dozens of disappointments, this fool is learning to resist the false hope of non-seasonal fruit. I now spend my money on fall apples, winter citrus, spring asparagus, summer peaches.

The challenge in life, too, is to enjoy seasonal fruit. Solomon claimed: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. (Eccl.3:1) Are you a parent of young children? Then enjoy the sweet taste of morning snuggling and bedtime reading, of candid conversations and corkscrewed reasoning, of trusting spirits and untrustworthy emotions. That delicate fruit will soon be gone. Don't crave a child who uses the toilet and sleeps through the night and carries on a rational discussion (which won't happen until they are 40!).

We South Dakotans joke that we have two seasons—winter and road repair! And both provide abundant ammunition for complainers. A number of years ago Cathy and I recognized that we were habitually crabbing about our bleak winters. "Why does it have to be so cold?" "I don't think spring will ever come." "These icy roads are horrible!" "I'm so tired of being cold; I can't wait to be hot." "Why would anyone choose to live here?!"

Stabbed by prisoner Paul's claim that he could be content in any and every situation, we sought to enjoy the season of winter. We bought cross-country skis. We put a wood-burning fireplace in our new home. We spend time with friends more frequently. We bundle up most winter days—if the snowdrifts aren't too high or the wind-chill too low—and hike with our dog. Our goal is to embrace the slower pace of winter. While the garden and other warm-weather activities lie dormant, we have more time to read, reflect, converse, write.

Do you find yourself in poverty? Are you going through a season of poor health? Have you recently become empty-nesters? When our boys were young it was a challenge to get them to taste new food. "Com'n. Try a little taste. You'll like it." Maybe our heavenly Father is coaxing his kids in the same way. "Com'n. This season's fruit is superb. Won't you try a bite?"

Gardening the Soul: The Harvest, 7

2011-02-21T17:07:00.003-06:00

The Expectations of the Harvest

One seed catalog described several varieties of the same vegetable: "adds zest to salads," "most astonishing," "out-standing tenderness," "bursting with flavor and nutrition," "distinctive flavor." Which exotic vegetable were they describing? The green bean! All these tinseled descriptions make it difficult to know what a mature garden looks or tastes like.

Many of us are no less ignorant of the flavor of a mature relationship. Mildred Walker's novel, Winter Wheat, tells the story of Ellen Webb—the only child of her American father and her Russian mother. While attending college, Ellen fell in love with Gil, a young man who came to her farm home for a summer visit. But after a shortened stay, he bolted home. When mom tried to comfort Ellen, Ellen exploded, blaming her parents’ marriage for Gil’s departure:

"I'm not like you, Mom, so I'd do anything to get a man to marry me!” Mom looked at me so blankly it made me all the angrier. “Don't look as though you didn't know what I was talking about. I know how you tricked Dad. I overheard you the night after Gil left. I know he married you and took you to America because you told him you were pregnant. And when he knew you weren't going to have a child it was too late. He was married to you, and he was too honorable to go away and leave you." I couldn't seem to stop. I watched my words fall like blows on Mom's face.

"And you've gone on all these years hating each other. Gil felt that hate. He could tell just being here. That's one of the things that drove him away from here, from me." I almost choked on my own words. I guess I was crying. Mom was still so long I looked up at her. All the color had gone out of her face, except in her eyes. She shook her head. "You don't know anything, Yelena. In our church if baby is not christened we say she go blind in next world. I think you go blind in this world—blind dumb! She stopped and then went on slowly. "No, Yelena, I never hate Ben `an Ben don't hate me. I love him here so all these years!" Mom touched her breast and her face broke into life. Her eyes were softer, "Me hate Ben"! She laughed.

Mom explained that she had deceived her father. But it was only because she was seventeen, in love, and had already lost all of her family during World War I. Though Ben was upset by her deception, his love wouldn't allow him to hold a grudge. Mom looked at Ellen and sighed: “Yolochka, you don't know how love is yet."

What does a healthy marriage look like? a healthy friendship? Many of us hold a ripe friendship in our hands but don't recognize it because it has a few blemishes. As Jesus agonized over his date with the cross, he confessed to his disciples, Peter, James and John: "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." As he strained to obey the Father's will, he im-plored his friends to keep watch and pray. But his friends promptly fell asleep--not once, not twice, but three times! How many of us would hang onto friends who snored through the crisis of our lives? Though certainly disappointed, Jesus knew his friends' hearts: "The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." All mature relationships have frequent failings.

Gardening the Soul: The Harvest, 6

2011-02-03T09:32:00.005-06:00

A Bitter Harvest

Haggai was sent by God to ask the Jews to reflect on their puny harvest:

"You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it." (1:5f)

Why were these frustrated people troubled by the proverbial “hole in the pocket?” God explained: "What you brought home, I blew away. Why? Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house." (1:9f). As the Jews returned from captivity in Babylon (6th century B.C.) and began the rugged task of rebuilding their wrecked nation, they became consumed with their own homes. They had gone beyond providing shelter—they now lived in “paneled houses” while God's house lay unfinished and unusable. As a result of this lengthy neglect of their spiritual duties, God sent a bitter harvest as a warning.

These procrastinators, though, had an excuse: "the time has not yet come." How often have we puckered up our lips from bitter fruit but told God, "The time has not yet come." We taste the pungent fruit of a depressed child but say, "I know he needs more of my time, Lord, but I've got this new job." Or we taste the hard, unripe fruit of a chilled heart toward God and say, "Lord, I know I have been ignoring you, but I’ll get started after the holidays.” Or we taste the bitter fruit of marital conflict but promise to seek help when our child’s hockey season is over.

The perfect time never comes. Make plans TODAY to tackle an issue you know God wants you to deal with.

Gardening the Soul: The Harvest, 5

2010-12-13T18:07:00.007-06:00

Measuring the Harvest

I coached my youngest son's traveling soccer team for seven years. Though the team had few elite athletes, their hard work had enabled them to compete with many elite teams. As we approached our very last tournament, I envisioned a storybook ending. The two best teams were in the other bracket and we were the best in our bracket. I dreamed about us playing in, and winning, the championship game. What a joyous harvest after all the years of disciplined work!

The first team we played had never beaten us. In the closing minute of the game, the referee (who was forty yards out of position) whistled us for a foul, awarding them a penalty kick—which they made. The referee clearly made the wrong call, enabling that team to tie us 1-1. I was very upset, yelling repeatedly : "That's the worst call I have ever seen!

In our second game, we opened strong, leading 2-0 at half. But questionable officiating and sloppy play led to a 3-2 loss. On one occasion, I angrily slammed my hat to the ground to protest a call. My fantasy of a championship had evaporated. During our final game we were clobbering the next best team in our division 4-0 at half. It was probably the best soccer the boys had ever played. I thought: "Well, at least we'll go out on a high note." But the second half was a complete disaster. We were badly out-played and were lucky to preserve a 4-4 tie. The game ended with a fistfight—a first for my team. As I went home that evening I was mostly disappointed in myself. Had my temper fueled their fists? The fruit in my life was sour that day.

Though I have been gardening for several decades, I still mess up. I might forget to water seedlings during a hot spell or overlook an insect invasion. Does this mean I should sell my hoe? No. I must look at my garden—and my life!—more panoramically. Before I worked myself into to funk over my coaching failure, I reflected on the past seven years. I had grown in my ability to love and lead young men, to control my volatile emotions, to trust God to give the boys the experiences they needed.

Christians often want a measure for their walk with God—the harvest provides that measure. My life is to be increasingly filled with the Spirit-grown fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, etc. When Paul wrote to the Thessalonians he commended them: "Now about brotherly love we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other." But he urged them "to do so more and more." God looks for progress, not perfection.

Gardening the Soul: The Harvest, 4

2010-11-29T11:09:00.004-06:00

Harvest Math (cont.)

The multiplying principle (see previous post) applies in unwanted ways also. When Israel was running from God, Hosea warned: "Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind." (Hos.8:7). Hosea warned that if their lives were planted with the seed of wind, they would reap a tornado of trouble.

Many don't recognize their empty sowing until the whirlwind knocks them to the ground. As Solomon regularly traveled by a lazy neighbor's field, he observed that:

the ground was covered with weeds,
and the stone wall was in ruins.
I applied my heart to what I observed
and learned a lesson from what I saw;
A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest
and poverty will come on you like a bandit
and scarcity like an armed man. (Prov.24:32-34)

How did this lazy farmer get mugged by poverty? It happened so gradually—“a little...a little...a little"—that he never saw the bandit coming. When one stone fell from his stone wall, he thought, "I'll get to that tomorrow." When the second one fell out, he thought, "I'll put that one back when I repair the first one." When the third one fell out, he stopped making promises. His large problem (poverty) was built by small choices (not replacing fallen stones.)

Early in my Christian life I feared that I might be seized by temptation and take a major tumble. But Solomon reminds us that disasters are created little by little by little—we creep rather than leap into major sin. I might commit adultery after I harbor bitterness toward my wife, after I regularly flirt with a co-worker, after I bare my intimate thoughts to that other woman, after I choose to have a “business lunch” with her. The wall falls down a stone at a time. If I don't repair the small break-downs, I may experience a complete collapse.

But if Solomon's farmer repents of his slothful ways, can his wall be rebuilt? Maybe not. Several years ago Frank (not his real name) came to live with us after his wife booted him out of their home. One evening at dinner, I asked Frank to explain to my sons why he was staying in our home. As he talked, the pain and loneliness overcame him. Bowing his head and weeping, he cried: "My sin! My sin! I may never enjoy a family meal like this because I haven't been walking with God." Frank was right. His wife divorced him and the unity of his family was forever shattered. Though Frank's repentance helped him become a stable and godly influence for his kids (he twice followed them in moves to new cities), his wall could never be entirely rebuilt. We can control our choices, but not our consequences.

Gardening the Soul: The Harvest, 3

2010-11-11T09:16:00.005-06:00

Harvest Math

I sow one corn seed—I reap hundreds of corn seeds. I sow a packet of tiny lettuce seeds—I reap enough lettuce to feed my Sioux Falls relatives (and the Sioux Falls relatives of Peter Rabbit!) Similarly, a Flemish scientist planted a sapling willow tree in 200 pounds of soil. For the next five years he added only water to the soil. At the end of the experiment he weighed the tree (169 pounds) and the soil (199 pounds, 14 oz.). 2 ounces of soil had produced 169 pounds of tree!

Jesus could also take his disciples’ meager plantings and produce an astonishing crop—he fed 5000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish, and had 12 baskets of food leftover! (One for each of his “we-don’t-have-enough-to-feed-them” disciples?)

Over and over I have seen God produce the same geometric explosion in my students. If God wasn’t involved in my classes, my highest praise might be: "Nice class." Or, "A pleasant way to spend Saturday mornings." But one woman wrote: "My marriage has been hanging by a thread. This course came at such a crucial time. It gave me the strength to hang on to this marriage by looking to His word. I have found verses that spoke to me, giving me direction when I felt lost." And was this a marriage and family class? No. It was Introduction to the Bible! When God wants to transform a life he isn't limited by the syllabus! Another student who was "quite nervous" about his lack of Biblical knowledge, wrote: "I had never attempted to read and truly understand the Bible. Yet, after diving heart first into it, I found that what I had feared was not to be found. Not only did I comprehend the readings, but more importantly, I was able to apply the con-cepts in my life. This is so amazing to me! Something that was written thousands of years ago remains so true to life today. I feel as if there is a whole new world to discover." And many of these students quickly become seed-planters: "I must find a church and get my children involved in Sunday School. I would even like to be a Sunday School teacher! (Boy, I never thought I'd say that!) I have read some Bible verses to my family and I find that it is a wonderful feeling to spread God's word."

When Paul found people taking sides between him and Apollos, he asked: "What after all is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe . . . I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. (I Cor.3:5-7) The marvel of my students’ growth has little to do with the small seeds that I plant. It is humbling, and often exhilarating, to watch God multiply my 2 ounces of effort into 169 pounds of heavenly fruit. I love God's math!

What small seeds is God asking you to plant? Take a risk! Watch the all-powerful Mathematician work His wonders!

Gardening the Soul: The Harvest, 2

2010-10-28T12:01:00.010-05:00

The Delayed Harvest

One of the surest principles of the harvest is its delay. I can't pick beans the day after I sow bean seeds. Newly planted asparagus roots won't produce a significant crop for two or three years. Our sapling oak trees will provide a canopy of shade for our great-grandchildren’s play!

It is the slow, steady growth of trees that most resembles God's work in us—Though the wicked spring up like grass, the righteous will flourish like a palm tree and will become oaks of righteousness. (Ps.92) One of the delightful oaks that has been growing in my life is the relationship that I enjoy with my three adult sons and their families. We share vacations and regular meals. We garden and golf together. We participate in Bible studies together.

But the growth of this splendid tree was painstakingly nurtured ring by ring and inch-by-inch:

Ring #1: Playing most of my golf with my young sons rather than my friends. (By the second hole they were hot and frustrated, ready to dash to the swimming pool.)
Ring #2: Working with my boys in a small lawn care business. (I could have earned more money and suffered less grief—“Dad, do we have to mow today? It's too hot!"—if I had worked on my own.)
Ring #3: Establishing my office at home. (I could have written several more books if I had located my office away from their frequent interruptions.)
Ring #4: Coaching my sons' athletic teams. (Doesn't everyone love a task that involves griping parents, incompetent referees, and rowdy children?!)
Ring #5: Vacationing as a family. (I would have preferred more romantic get-aways with my wife!)

Parenting makes remarkable demands but has few instant rewards. My boys didn't slap me on the back and say, "Wow! You're sure a great dad to give up your Saturday golf game to play golf with us." None of my golfing friends, who watched my handicap balloon to an eight from a two, said, "I think it's great to see a father put his kids first." So why did I persevere? Because I was confident that planting those God-directed seeds would one day produce a grand harvest.

Gardening the Soul: The Harvest, 1

2010-10-15T20:31:00.008-05:00

A Fruitful Life

My dad was an enthusiastic gardener—and his kids and grandkids were his co-gardeners. His half-acre garden was gloriously, phenomenally productive. From mid-summer to late fall, we harvested bags brimming with sweet peas, string beans and broccoli; gunny-sacks stuffed with sweet corn, squash and potatoes; thirty-pound fruit boxes spilling over with tomatoes, beets and carrots; a pickup jammed with pumpkins; and on and on. Though his seeds only filled a couple of shoeboxes, the produce could not be contained in a pickup--would a semi-trailer have been enough?!

Dad kept pace with most garden work--until the harvest. Every year—to the dismay of my depression-raised dad—a sizeable amount of produce went unharvested. One day as we were leaving the farm, hot and tired but with a carload of vegetables, dad whined: "When are you going to get back and pick the rest of those beans? They're getting old.” A bit peeved, I teased: "What was that you said? `Thanks for helping?'" Dad heartily agreed with Jesus: The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few!

Even Mom became frustrated with the abundance—she had the task of cleaning and storing them. Though I had never heard my mom cuss, one day after Dad unloaded another pile of produce, she protested, "Al, what am I going to do with all these damn vegetables?!" (Dad tried to solve the problem of abundance by buying two refrigerators for his garage and an extra refrigerator for each of his kids! But the problem wasn't solved until he discovered that our local soup kitchen would gladly take his excess produce.)

The harvest is one of the most tangible miracles in our world. Laura Simon explains: "You drop a seed in the dirt, water it, and wait for it to sprout. That's kind of magical, don't you think? I mean, here's a seed, a tiny fleck of matter, smaller, in some cases than the period that will end this sentence. But in-side its insignificant little carcass are the makings of a five-foot-tall delphinium, say, with flowers so twinkling blue they'll make you suck in your breath."

The average ratio of harvested seeds to planted seeds in Biblical Palestine was about 8-1. When Jesus asserted that a fertile heart could produce a hundred, sixty, or thirty times what was sown, he envisioned a lavish productivity that would stun even my garden-wise father. God's goal is to make your life brim with marvelous fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentle-ness, and self-control. But it won’t happen until you humbly invite Him to take charge of your whole garden. Will you do that?

Gardening the Soul: Weeding the Garden, 5

2010-09-27T10:19:00.007-05:00

Removing the Roots

I recently toured a friend's garden that she inherited when she bought the house of an avid gardener. My friend was enchanted by the flowers that marched through her garden from spring to fall. Just days before my tour, she attacked the weeds that were gobbling her garden. In an hour, she had decapitated most of the weeds with a weed-eater. It looked great--temporarily. This neophyte gardener didn't know that most weeds grow lustily from any roots left in the ground. Getting the root is dirty work--that's why I have blackened fingernails all summer long!

The weeds in life must also be uprooted. Not long ago a former high school friend phoned me. Herb [not his true name] explained to me that at the height of an alcohol-induced argument with his father, he had bellowed: "And you bought me right-handed golf clubs when I was a kid!" What did Herb mean? Herb is left-handed. He views the purchase of those right-handed golf clubs as a symbol of his dad's careless concern: "If Dad had truly loved me, he would have bought me left-handed golf clubs." The author of Hebrews warned: See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." (12:15). A bitter root has been tunneling and spreading in Herb's life for over forty years. It has stolen the nutrients he needed to grow into a healthy human being. It has choked his ability to experience God's love. He lives a lonely, alcohol-dependent life largely because he has not removed that poisonous root.

Which root is easier to remove -- a two-year old child's naughty insistence on throwing his food or a seventeen year-old's haughty refusal to help at home? If parents overlook this sprouting weed: "Oh, but isn't he cute?”, they won't think the mature weed is cute at all: "Just try to make me clean my room!" Now the parents have a lusty weed whose toxic roots have spread throughout this young rebel's life, causing him to be expelled from school, arrested for underage drinking, and kicked off his soccer team. So many mature weeds are growing in the soil of his life that they won't be uprooted without blistered hands. If we wait until the neighbors can see the weeds in our garden, we have greatly inflated our task!

Gardening the Soul: Weeding the Garden, 4

2010-09-06T18:41:00.008-05:00

Is That a Weed?

Weeding is tricky because weeds mimic good plants. Biblical weeds--"tares" in older versions of the Bible--were probably a ryegrass known as darnel. Seedling darnel is almost impossible to distinguish from seedling wheat. Once established, these weeds are nearly intractable. Even sieving the grain to remove their seeds is ineffective because they are the same size as the wheat seeds. Thus, these bitter seeds are milled with the wheat seeds, creating bitter bread.

Life’s weeds also mimic healthy growth. For example, we should nurture our bodies with nutritious food, regular rest, consistent exercise. But a legitimate concern for our health can become a greedy, nutrient-grabbing weed, which suffocates our search for life: "Our efforts at physical perfection offer us tangible solutions to fix what ails us--the newest gym, the latest diet, hip fashions, a nip or tuck here or there. These cures require effort, energy, and money, but actually enable us to avoid the tedious and scary prospect of searching inward. They make us feel alive, but keep us from looking into the recesses of our soul."

As the weed of physical perfection matures, we deceive ourselves by calling it "discipline" or "keeping a trim figure" or "staying in shape." But the bitter seeds remain: "We may look better and be healthier than ever, but continue to feel just as awful."

This past spring I planted a packet of coneflower seeds in my garden. Nothing sprouted for several weeks. Was it bad seed? Finally a few green leaves poked through the soil. Were they weeds? I was on the verge of executing them but decided to let them grow. In another week, I joyously recognized about a dozen seedling coneflowers.

What is sprouting in our hearts? Is it the worship of physical health or the desire to care for our God-given bodies? Since our capacity for self-deception is immense, we must humbly ask God to see with his eyes:

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. (Ps.139)

Gardening the Soul: Weeding the Garden,3

2010-08-22T14:58:00.004-05:00

"The Weed of Greed"

Jesus also said that the weed of greed (the deceitfulness of wealth) would strangle my garden. A number of years ago I received a modest amount of money from the sale of our family's business. Following my dad's model, I invested most of it in a diversity of stocks—depending on my father, an investment letter, and the Internet for financial advice. At first, I enjoyed the challenge of investing wisely. But at some point, this task became a choking weed. Each time I logged on to my computer I would scrutinize stock prices and news. I would get excited when my stocks went up --" Wow! I made $500 today"--and discouraged when they went down--"Why did he recommend that stock?!" And then I would churn with indecision: "Should I sell? Should I buy?”

Was it wrong for me to research and track my investments? Not at all. But at some point the weeds had taken over, entangling my heart with thoughts of making money. In the Old Testament economy God limited his people’s pursuit of financial gain. Work on the Sabbath was forbidden. Their yearly calendar included several weeks of religious festivals in Jerusalem. Every seventh year they grew no crops to rest the land (and themselves). Newlyweds were given a one-year honeymoon! Lenders charged no interest. And land titles reverted to the original owners on the Jubilee (every 50th year). Meditating on these policies, I was reminded that God cares more about the value of my soul than the value of my stocks. As a result, I shifted some money to investments that I don't need to watch regularly. I also limit how often I check stock prices. And I mostly invest in blue chip companies that don't soar or sink in a few hours of trading. Will I make less money? Possibly. Will I have money to live securely in retirement? Only God knows. But I do know that I have regained control of a weedy patch of my life.

Gardening the Soul: Weeding the Garden,2

2010-08-03T12:46:00.004-05:00

Choking Weeds

Michael Pollan began his gardening experience with Ralph Waldo Emerson's optimism that weeds are simply plants whose virtues we haven't discovered. (Did Emerson garden?!) Experience quickly shattered the romance. He found that once these malevolent weeds are rooted in the garden, they will have to be wrestled out before they will leave. And their passion is to throw raucous parties for their "seedy" friends, who also want to linger when the party is over. But it is certainly no party for the gardener.

It is no wonder, then, that Jesus used weeds as a picture of the adversaries of a Christian's growth: What was sown among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. (Mt.13:22). Weeds in the garden and in life share many life-strangling characteristics.

The Weed of Worry
I am a champion worrier whose skills have been honed through years of practice. Like Laura Simon, I can worry over the trivial as well as the eternal: “If there isn't an impending catastrophe that requires my concern, I will find an ordinary event, some more modest matter, to fret over and dwell on."

During my early thirties I led a small church. In my journals from those years, I sound like a fretful mother agonizing over her baby's health:

• "Are we going to make it?"
• "How important are numbers?"
• "Should we continue to meet in a home?"
• "Do I measure the ministry on the basis of my growing maturity? or the church's? or both?
• "Are my gifts best suited for a pastoral ministry?"
• "Would the church be better off without me?"
• "Should I go back to school to earn my doctorate so I can teach at a college or seminary?"

Jesus instructed those choked by worry to observe the growth of wild flowers: They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. The valleys in the Black Hills of western South Dakota are home to a stunning abundance of wild flowers—the creamy lilies, the sunny black-eyed susans, and the shaggy bergamots. Such effortless splendor is breathtaking.

Jesus had a stinging question for us faithless worriers: If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? The wild grasses live for a season. We will live forever. Isn't God much more committed to beautifying his eternal creatures? When it came to worries about my professional life, I didn't know the future. But as I learned to trust the flowering of my life to the Gardener's hands, I relaxed. I knew that my heavenly Father was much more committed to turning my shabby garden into a creation of greater beauty than the mountain meadows.

What worries are choking your life? Do you worry about losing your job? about the safety of your child? about your retirement income? about potential severe weather? Jesus challenges us: Do not worry, saying “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” ... Your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness—and all these things will be added onto you. If we direct our time and energy and thoughts toward pursuing God, He will take care of the rest!

Gardening the Soul: Weeding the Garden, 1

2010-07-22T10:31:00.010-05:00

The Curse of Weeds

Weeding is my most demanding garden chore. It consumes nearly half of my time in spring and early summer. The drudgery of weeding is probably the #1 reason inexperienced gardeners never graduate and become experienced gardeners! Without an ongoing attack on this powerful opponent, my garden beds would be quickly devoured by a horde of ravenous weeds. Genesis explains why weeds are such a robust foe for gardeners:

Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat of it
all the days of your life.
It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground. (Gen.3:17-19)

After Adam and Eve’s rebellion, no garden yielded its bounty without painful toil and the sweat of your brow. Thorns and thistles perennially contest our work in the garden.

But if weeds are so vigorous, why haven't they covered the planet? Why were there few weeds when the Puritans landed in New England? Why don’t I see more weeds on my hikes in the Black Hills? Michael Pollan explains that weeds: are plants particularly well adapted to man-made places. They don't grow in forests or prairies—in "the wild." Weeds thrive in gardens, meadows, lawns, vacant lots, railroad sidings, hard by dumpsters and in the cracks of sidewalks. They grow where we live, in other words, and hardly anywhere else.

Where mankind rests, weeds rest. But wherever I plunge my spade, weeds rush to challenge my claim. (Where do they come from?!) Like a child who has no interest in a toy until his sibling picks it up, weeds jealously contest my interest in the soil. Weeds are man's, not nature's, curse. When people ask me why I believe the Bible is a revelation from God, one of my answers is: “Weeds.” Weeds confirm the truth of Genesis.

Weeds are part of God’s overall judgment on us rebels. In addition to weeds, life is filled with cancer and canker sores, tornadoes and tomato worms, asps and AIDS, calamity and cavities, aging and arguing, famine and fat, ad infinitum.” Why did God do this? If He had left us in Eden, how would we have recognized our need for Him? A few years ago when a friend of my brother’s was experiencing hard times, he complained: “I thought God wouldn’t give me more than I can handle.” My brother wisely disagreed: “I find that God frequently does give me more than I can handle—that way I am forced to depend on Him.”

The weeds of life will never go away. But the great news is that I don’t have to wage that war on my own. There is a Gardener who has His gloves on and a hoe in His hand, eager to help me attack those weeds! Will you invite Him into your garden?

The Father Waters His Garden, 3

2010-06-29T11:09:00.004-05:00

“Yoked to God”

Jeremiah charged that God’s people were in rebellion: Long ago you broke off your yoke and said, `I will not serve you!’ This yoke—a crossbeam placed on the shoulders of an ox with a loop of rope for its neck—allowed a farmer to harness and direct the power of the animal. God’s people had thrown off their yoke, unwilling to submit to His guidance.

Before his conversion, C.S. Lewis was disturbed by a gospel which proclaimed a “Transcendental Interferer.” He explained: “If true, [I] knew there was no region even in the innermost depth of one's soul which one could surround with a barbed wire fence and guard with a notice of: “No Admittance.” I wanted some place, however small, of which I could say to all other beings, "This is my business and mine only."

But is God's guidance an “interference”? Jesus promised rest to the weary: Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, ... and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Mt.11:28-30) Often a farmer would train an inexperienced animal by yoking it to an experienced one. We who are weary and burdened are invited to place our necks in Jesus’ easy and light yoke, allowing him to gently lead our parched souls to his Refreshing Waters.

The board of directors of my ministry and I began praying for the founding of a Biblically-based counseling center in our city. After several years, we discovered a nearby counseling service that was committed to a Biblical model. During the next two years the head of that ministry visited Sioux Falls to counsel and teach a counseling class. That second year, I taught part of the class with him.

Our group was still unsure how the ministry would begin, but during that second year’s class, one of the participants heard God’s call to this ministry. As events unfolded over the following months, I envisioned that this man with his counseling gifts, and I, with my teaching gifts, would join together to help people become whole in Christ. It seemed a natural, Spirit-led fit.

But before the match was made, it began to unravel. First, this man was warned by an acquaintance: "Watch out for Bernie. He has to control things." Then the counselor who was helping us establish the ministry, came to believe similarly. (Though he later discovered he had misjudged circumstances.) Then a team of men from other biblical counseling centers was invited to Sioux Falls to help us finalize our plans. They strongly advised this man to form his own board and cut any formal ties with my board and me.

As we discussed, debated, and prayed over the next few weeks it became increasingly clear that this new ministry would form its own board. During this time we polled the counseling class—70% said they would not attend if I alone taught the class. When over 90% of my college students rate me an "Excellent" professor, I didn't need to hear an angel’s voice to discern God's leading! I had invested a great deal of prayer and energy to this vision. And it would be a reality—only it would not include me. Even though I was saddened and felt mildly betrayed, this was not a crushing experience. Knowing I am yoked to a vision-directing God, I didn't have to manipulate people or circumstances to fit my vision. A few years later, while serving on the board of this counseling ministry, the director told me that he wished the ministry had been organized the way I had envisioned it. I believe God prevented those involved from adopting that perspective because God wanted my life to bud in a different direction.

When I am drinking from the "reservoir that gushes into eternity," I can peacefully accept whatever life brings. "Lord, I know that Life is not found in the pursuit of my will. So I willingly, joyously submit to the yoke of your will.”

Gardening the Soul: The Father Waters His Garden, 2

2010-05-27T09:14:00.009-05:00

Counterfeit Waters

Gardens need water. Human seedlings need water. And Jesus is the only inexhaustible source of thirst-quenching water. He proclaimed: Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life. (Jn.4:14).

Unfortunately, we spend most of our time drinking run-off cistern water (see previous post below). We hope that marrying Mr./Ms. Right or building a dream home or finding an intimate friend or starting a family or winning the approval of a parent or achieving professional awards or earning an advanced degree will satisfy our longings. But none of these—or even all of these!–will cause a life to bud and flourish.

Today’s most frequently visited cistern may be financial prosperity. Western attitudes toward money have become all consuming (pun intended!). "Over time our relationship with money—earning it, spending it, investing it, owing it, protecting it, worrying about it—has taken over the major part of our lives." What are the returns from our obsessive focus on money? Are those who earn more, happier than others? Survey after survey shows that once our basic needs are met, increasing our income does not significantly increase our happiness.

Why are we so foolish? Why did the woman that Jesus encountered at a well in Samaria relentlessly rush to marriage—a second, a third, a fourth, a fifth time—to slake her thirst? Why was the couple we met in the Bahamas still chasing travel when travel no longer satisfied? Why does a person set higher financial goals when earlier, achieved goals didn't satisfy?

Near winter's end, if I remove a bare branch from a fruit tree and place it in a vase of water, the branch blooms amazingly, gloriously, as it sucks up the water. But the glory is a lie. Soon the branch will shrivel and die. Only the sap from its tree can produce true fruit. Frequently a life that drinks cistern water will suddenly, splendidly flower. Don't young lovers blossom before our eyes? Can't a new job return bounce to a person's step? Isn’t it a thrill to buy a new house? But these counterfeit waters cannot produce fruit. Jesus explained: No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. (Jn.15:4) If I don't cling to Jesus, I will be like the branch that is thrown away and withers. And the longer I am severed from Christ, the more my fruitless soul shrivels. I become obsessed with the trivial—a sports team, my home, my appearance, my health, my retirement. Jesus alone pours the sap of God's life into my life, producing authentic fruit.

Gardening the Soul: The Father Waters His Garden, 1

2010-05-19T15:05:00.008-05:00

The Living Water

Jeremiah was appalled that his people had abandoned the only dependable source of life:

My people have committed two sins;
They have forsaken me, the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water. (Jer.2:13)

Israel was (and is) a drought-prone land. As a result, cisterns were critical to people's survival. These dug out reservoirs were filled during the rainy season so that life-sustaining water would be available for people and plants during the six-month dry season.

Now suppose a land-owning Israelite had been blessed with a spring that gushed pure water for decades. However, he decided to ignore that spring and dig a cistern so he could drink parceled-out, stagnant rainwater instead. Furthermore, while digging the cistern, it formed a crack so that it always dried up during the summer drought. An incredulous Jeremiah explained that God's people had turned from the Living Water to unreliable, run-off rainwater. They had bartered the eternal, all-powerful God for non-gods.

As Cathy and I approached our 20th wedding anniversary, we received an unexpected gift of money that we used to finance a week of vacation to the Bahamas. It was our first trip to the sparkling, turquoise waters of the Caribbean. While it was icy winter in South Dakota, we joyously swam and snorkeled and talked and loved as we celebrated the our God-blessed life together. One day at lunch we met a couple who spent about half of every year traveling. They had been to more places than the Travel Channel: India, Japan, Brazil, Australia, Hong Kong, Alaska. As they described these exotic places, we noticed a lack of passion—their adventures apparently provided fewer thrills than the Swine flu! Had travel always been so uninspiring? I doubt it. Initially it seemed to quench their thirst. Slowly, though, the water was seeping from this cracked cistern. Eventually it provided no refreshment for their souls--only habit and the memory of past draughts kept them dipping in this waterless well.

Like every garden, every person must have a dependable source of water--something to make them come fully alive. This couple had invested their hopes in travel. But they had, as Jeremiah explained, pursued worthlessness, and things that do not profit. They were withering in a full-scale drought because they were drinking from damaged, dry cisterns. Cathy and I traveled to celebrate life. This couple traveled to find life.

Gardening the Soul: The Father Loves His Garden Unconditionally

2010-05-06T09:28:00.005-05:00

I am baffled—I have two healthy-looking, ten year-old apricot trees that produce NO fruit. Israel’s Vinedresser was equally puzzled when his vineyard produced only sour grapes: What more could have been done for my vineyard than I have done for it? When I looked for good grapes, why did it yield only bad? (Is.5:4-8) Though God had labored long and hard, his vineyard reaped only rotten fruit. As a result, God would judge the nation, taking away its hedge and breaking down its walls.

But what was God's attitude toward his vanquished vineyard? The vineyard of the Lord is ... the garden of his delight. What?! Did I read this correctly? Surely the original Hebrew reads differently! How could this foul-fruited vineyard have been a delight to God? If I tore down my garden's fence, if I didn't weed or water for an entire year, I wouldn't call my garden a delight—I would call it a disaster! Contrary to every expectation or explanation, God's wasted nation remained the garden of his delight. How could this be?

When God’s people were corrupt during the preaching of Hosea, God promised to turn the land into a wasteland, overrun by briers and thorns. But this impending judgment caused God’s heart to churn:

How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, O Israel?
My heart recoils within me;
my compassion grows warm and tender,
I will not execute my fierce anger,
nor will I again destroy Ephraim.
for I am God and not man,
the Holy One in your midst,
and I will not come to destroy. (Hos.11:8f, RSV)

God's heart writhed in agony for his deeply loved, though deeply defiant nation—my heart recoils within me. He repeatedly wailed: How can I? . . . How can I? He relented, moderating the punishment—I will not execute my fierce anger.

How is it that God's love can be spurned again and again and again and not die? Several years ago my friend Jon was married to a woman who strayed into another man’s arms. We prayed for many months that God would turn her heart back to her husband. Sadly, God’s answer appeared to be "No” when she asked for a divorce. One day as the divorce neared, I received a phone call from Jon. He made a startling announcement—his wife had confessed her sin and wanted to rebuild their broken marriage. I exploded: "Praise God!" But Jon was silent. I asked: "What's wrong?" Jon answered: "I don't want her anymore." My friend's love and hope had died. The countless rejections had slowly leached the love from his heart. (Though with God’s help, Jon was able to regenerate that love and resurrect his marriage.)

But God's love does not wilt in a drought. Why didn’t God dump these rebels who clung to their sin? For I am God and not man, the Holy One in your midst. When our love is repeatedly repulsed, it eventually dies. Not so with the Holy One. He is right there in your midst. God doesn't abandon us when we sin—he camps in the middle of the blood, sweat, and tears of our sin, still calling us the garden of his delight. He is able to do this because his love is not spawned or sustained by the garden’s condition. God loves because it is his nature to love. He can do nothing else.

Gardening the Soul: The Master Gardener, Part 2

2010-04-22T09:48:00.005-05:00

A Transforming Love

Finding grape vines, heavy with clumps of sweet, juicy fruit would be an indescribable joy for a weary desert traveler. This is the way God felt when he reclaimed his people from Egypt: When I found Israel, it was like finding grapes in the desert. But God wasn’t content to leave this vine in the desert:

You brought a vine out of Egypt;
you drove out the nations and planted it.
You cleared the ground for it,
and it took root and filled the land.
The mountains were covered with its shade,
the mighty cedars with its branches.
It sent out its boughs to the sea,
its shoots as far as the River. (Ps.80:8-11)

What a task! God had placed his tender nation in the sheltering soil of Egypt 400 years earlier. But now its roots had been tunneling and intertwining with the economic roots of Egypt for so long, that the Pharaoh thought he owned the vine and clung tenaciously to it. But God was resolved—the grip of Egypt was not strong enough to resist His uprooting power. Eventually the Pharaoh relinquished his slaves.

God then potted this fragile vine in his nurturing arms, bearing it through the desert to its new home. After he cleared the ground by driving out the host nations, he planted his vine in the welcoming soil of Canaan. The transplant was a smashing success: it took root and filled the land, covering the mountains with its shade.

The Great Gardener's goal has always been to transplant his seedlings into the fertile soil of his garden where they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon. (Ps.92:12) These cedars of Lebanon are the sequoias of the Middle East. They tower to a height of over one hundred feet and span forty feet or more. God's persistent desire is to produce lives which mirror the strength, durability, and beauty of those giant evergreens.

Two summers ago I brought home a discarded pack of seedling broccoli plants—as my wife knows, I am a sucker for anything marked "Free"! They were root-bound sticks with only two or three small, dusty-green leaves at the top of each plant. I had a vacant spot in my garden so I tossed them in the ground. I didn't pay much attention to them but did notice that once established, they began to fill out. By October I was stunned by a harvest of ten or twelve very large, dense, blue-green heads of broccoli.

As we enjoyed that astounding harvest, those plants reminded me of Paul's words to the Corinthians: God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. (1:27-29) God delights in selecting nursery rejects—the weak, the lowly, the despised, and transforming them into monuments to his grace—the cedars of Lebanon. You may fear that you are too insignificant or have snubbed God's call for too long or have made too many immoral choices. But God delights in transforming your frail, fruitless life into a fruitful marvel. Give The Master Gardener a chance—He is very experienced!

Gardening the Soul: The Father Loves His Garden, Part 2

2010-04-01T09:26:00.011-05:00

Jesus’ parable about the landowner who paid workers the same wage for varying amounts of work (see previous post), teaches us that God treats the seedlings in his garden fairly but individually.

My three boys learned that God doesn't treat his children uniformly through a college trust fund generously established by their grandparents. Since the assets were invested in an expanding stock market (remember the 80’s & 90’s?!), the longer the money remained invested, the more it grew. Thus, there was a distinct advantage to the younger boys as their funds grew while the eldest was paying for his education. By the time our third son entered college he had twice as much money in his trust fund as his eldest brother had when he began college—and then he received a tuition-free scholarship!

Some children are blessed with grandparents who treasure their grandchildren. Others endure self-absorbed grandparents. Some are born into wealthy homes. Others grow up in poverty. When we observe these disparities, we are tempted to covet others' blessings: A higher salary. Healthier children. An available father. A close friend. An effective pastor. A vacation home. A beautiful body. A spouse. A milder climate. Etc. Etc. Etc.

This parable teaches that the Gardener will treat each of us fairly, but distinctly: Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? Don't I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous? God plants each seedling in a dizzying diversity of environments to accomplish a unity of purpose—fruitfulness. Did the all-day workers understand why the short-day workers were shown such generosity? No. Did I know why God wouldn't provide a mentor for me? No. Did the Bible’s Jacob understand why he was staring at the face of Leah, and not the promised Rachel, on the first morning of his marriage? No. God's workings are often mystifying:

As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things. (Eccl.11:5)

My job is not to understand God's work, but to trust it. God has a marvelous plan for my life. This isn't a generic, one-size- fits-all plan. It probably won't be what I want or expect. But I know it will include all the nutrients I need to grow to full fruitfulness. "Lord, help me trust your specific, gracious—though sometimes confusing—cultivation of my life."

Gardening the Soul: The Father Loves His Garden

2010-03-16T10:06:00.004-05:00

An Individualized Love

I remember two messages from four years of daily chapel as a seminary student. (This probably reflects more on the listener than on the speakers!) Both messages energized my sputtering spiritual life. One of them was based on Jesus' puzzling parable in Matthew 20 where he likens the kingdom of heaven to a landowner who hires groups of unemployed men--at the 3rd, 6th, 9th, and 11th hour of a 12-hour workday--to work in his vineyard. Only the first group had a specified agreement--he would pay them a denarius for the day's work.

When the workday ended, the crews came to be paid in the reverse order of their hiring. The first group, who had worked only one hour, watched in amazement as a full day's pay was placed into their barely soiled hands. They joyously skipped home with their windfall—now able to feed their families for another day. As the owner called each group forward to receive its pay, it became increasingly clear that each would receive the same amount. By the time the last group was paid—they were the only group not paid more than they deserved—one of them erupted in angry protest: These men who were hired last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day. This weary, sweat-stained worker was outraged that he was paid the same wage as the 1-hour workers.

But note, again, the introduction to this strange parable: The kingdom of God is like a landowner . . . This is what the kingdom of God is like?! Does God ignore effort or merit? Suppose your daughter needs spending money for church camp so you agree to pay her $20 to work all day helping around the house—vacuuming, scrubbing, mopping, laundering. Then your son—who spent the day hanging out with his friends—returns just before dinner and you ask him to help you set the table. After the meal you thank your kids for their work and reward each with a twenty-dollar bill. How would your daughter feel? Just like the all-day vineyard workers—incensed! So how can this loony landowner reflect the values of the kingdom? Does God treat people unfairly?

The landowner firmly denied being unfair: Friend, didn't you agree to work for a denarius? The worker's silence was an admission that the agreement had not been broken. So why did he grumble? The owner pinpointed the problem: Are you envious because I am generous? This worker envied the owner’s generous treatment of the other workers.

I had enrolled in seminary, in part, because I was looking for a mentor. I struggled to build a relationship with my professors, but was rebuffed by their busyness. I wanted someone I could drop in to chat with—not someone whose secretary made appointments for next month. I wanted someone to talk with about my faults and my future. And though I failed, a few privileged students developed bonds with our professors. As a result, I became jealous of their success and dejected by my failure—"What's wrong with me?" Into this heartache the Vineyard Owner dropped these piercing words: Friend, I am not being unfair to you. . . . Or are you envious because I am generous? God assured me that he would be fair to me. He would create the environment that this seedling needed to grow to maturity. And because he promised to nurture me, I could rejoice in his generosity to my friends.

The plant world is full of unique plants which require unique conditions -- cacti thrive in the desert; water lilies love -- guess what? – water; lettuce relishes cool weather; melons won't grow if it isn't summer-hot. But it isn't just plants that require varying conditions. This parable teaches that God designs special environments for each of his human seedlings also. Thank God he doesn’t treat us the same. He provides the exact conditions that we need to become abundantly fruitful.

Gardening the Soul: The Master Gardener

2010-03-01T12:56:00.004-06:00

God is described as the Master Gardener of our lives. Listen to him sing about his garden:

Sing about a fruitful vineyard: I, the Lord, watch over it; I water it continually. I guard it day and night
so that no one may harm it. . .
If only there were briers and thorns confronting me!
I would march out against them in battle.
I would set them all on fire.
In days to come Jacob will take root,
Israel will bud and blossom
and fill all the world with fruit. (Is.27:2-6)

While God glories in a harvest that will "fill all the world with fruit," (v.6) he also revels in the dirty, daily task of nurturing his garden—“I, the Lord, watch over it; I water it continually. I guard it day and night." (v.2,3) God isn't an apathetic gardener who tosses a few seeds on the ground and hopes that something grows. Nor is he an aristocratic gardener who hires other workers to do his grubby chores. God plants and prunes and protects with his own calloused hands.

As a gardener, I am vexed by the agents of destruction that assault my garden—weeds, wind, worms. But God agonizes over a lack of adversaries! He moans like a war hero during peacetime: "If only there were briers and thorns confronting me. I would march out against them in battle, I would set them all on fire." (v.4). Amazing! We serve a God who aches to attack our foes. All we have to do is ask.

In the next few blogs I will focus on the shape of the Gardener’s work in His garden: What are his ways of watering? his patterns in planting? his hopes for a harvest? We must understand how God works—if he is planning a blizzard, but we are expecting warm sunshine, we can become dangerously disoriented in one of life's storms. But when we understand how the Master Gardener is tilling our soils, then we can coordinate our work with his work to produce a fruitful life.

Gardening the Soul: Introduction

2010-02-15T19:34:00.002-06:00

My love for gardening was nurtured by my land-loving father. He taught me the language of the soil -- crop yields, soil moisture, weed control, weather forecasts. Having grown up on a farm during the drought-plagued 1930’s, he was thrilled by prospects of rain. He often drove my siblings and me to a hill overlooking the city to watch evening thunderstorms rumble in from the west. It was exhilarating, though sometimes frightening, to watch these powerful storms. Later, snuggled in the safety of my bed, I would contentedly drift to sleep to the patter of rain on a tin awning. My father also launched my first major gardening experience. When I was in sixth grade, he helped me and three friends grow two acres of sweet corn that we sold door-to-door. I was hooked -- if God hadn't given me other gifts and callings, I could have joyously earned a living from the soil.

Even today, my youthful infatuation with the land hasn't faded. I spend an hour or two most days from April to November in my garden. During the winters I study gardening books and catalogs, planning for and dreaming about the twenty acres of prairie that my wife and I own. We are cultivating fruit and shade trees, flowers and vegetables. We are restoring the native grasses and wildflowers that once graced our land.

One of the unexpected rewards of gardening has been an illumination of Biblical truth. The Bible was written to an "earthy" people. Its illustrations, metaphors and parables assume an intimate knowledge of the soil -- a knowledge few moderns possess. When Jeremiah claimed that God’s people were depending on broken cisterns or when Hosea pleaded with his people to break up the unploughed ground, these images leave many of us in the dark. Part of the Bible is still untranslated -- land language is a dying tongue.

When God reveals himself to us, he uses the known as a bridge to the unknown. But what happens when common knowledge is not so common? When the Bible compares God to a vine or a vine dresser, modern seekers are left with the unfamiliar (God) being illuminated by the unfamiliar (the vineyard.) We are as lost as a first century student would be with a computer metaphor like "programming our minds."

Though I still consider myself a "kinder-gardener" of the soil and the soul, these blogs will try to help non-gardeners decode the garden images that fill the Bible. Come. Pull on your work gloves. Pick up your spade. Join me in digging into God's eternal truths.

“Wall-to-Wall Parenting”: Part 4

2010-01-05T10:12:00.004-06:00

"Give Them Space"

We often become over-involved in our kids’ lives because we feel responsible for constructing our children’s future, “one two-by-four at a time.” So, “to prevent even the tiniest mishap, we believe we should act as stage managers responsible for all production details: casting, costumes, scenery, music, script changes, and making sure no one ever misses a cue or flubs a line. And boy, does that keep us busy!”

It is our fear that drives much of our over-parenting—our fear that our children might stumble. We think it is our calling to keep our children blissful and successful. But as Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld has written, we have forgotten that both joy and sorrow are natural parts of everyone’s life: As the expression goes, into every life some rain must fall. Close friends spend wonderful sleepovers together; sometimes they fight. Sometimes they make up; other times they remain lifelong enemies. Some nights you have wonderful dreams; on others you have nightmares. Arms get broken; walls gets scaled. Challenges are overcome; life defeats you temporarily. Santa gets you just what you want; Santa gets it all wrong. Toys give great pleasure; sometimes a treasured one breaks. Pets run away and get run over. [Some dogs] have wonderful poppies that friends want for their own; some have pup-pies no one else wants so you have to take them to the pound. The new school is great and you make friends even though you miss the old ones; the new school that you thought was going to be terrific actually is terrible; teachers can be wonderful, inspiring; teachers can be unfair; some teachers simply ought to find an-other line of work.

Parents can not and should not protect their children from every painful experience. Our “compulsion to have our fingers in every mud pie our children make” is not healthy for our kids. Though they occasionally need our coaching, eventually they must develop the drive, the discipline, and the skills to depend on God, rather than us, to solve their problems. When they have a problem with a friend or a coach or their health, encourage them to turn to God first--He is certainly a better counselor than we are!

As I conclude this series on the over-involved parent, remember: You will find it easier to determine the limits of your job as a parent, when you put God at the center of your family life. What is your primary focus—your relationship with God or your relationship with your children?If we build our lives around our children, they will grow up self-obsessed rather than God- and other-obsessed. And what will we do when they are gone? We joke about the empty-nest syndrome but part of it caused by our over-commitment to our kids.

Wall-to-Wall” Parenting: Part 3

2009-11-12T19:35:00.005-06:00

"Cutting Back (Continued)"

Divorce statistics suggest that parents have focused too much on their kids—the second highest divorce rate is found in the years just after the kids leave home. These parents over-invested in their kids and under-invested in their marriage. So, what other ways should parents scale back?

You aren’t shirking your parental duty if you let your child work out her own social difficulties. When psychologist John Rosemond’s daughter was in middle high, she experienced agonizing social rejection—primarily because she still looked like a little girl. Rosemond explained how he and his wife responded: “We wanted desperately to solve this problem for her. We thought of calling some of the mothers of the more popular girls and asking for their help. We thought of throwing a big expensive birthday party for Amy and inviting all of the popular girls.... We finally came to our senses. We could not solve this problem for Amy.” As a result, the Rosemond’s shifted their strategy from the short-term goal of helping Amy elevate her popularity quotient to the long-term goal of raising an adult who did not depend on other people’s approval in order to feel that her life was in order.

Instead of trying to solve the problem for her, they chose to give her the tools to solve it herself. They told her: “Amy, we know this is painful, but you will not be thirteen forever. Some day, you will be thirty, and all this will seem unimportant then. Furthermore, what you are experiencing today is helping you learn how important it is to never treat another person the way these girls are treating you. It’s also helping you learn to stand on your own two feet, to not depend on other people for a sense of well-being." Though Amy wasn’t thrilled by the speech, she later came to see the wisdom and rightness of her parents’ counsel.

You aren’t shirking your duties as a parent if you don’t help your child with her homework every night. Our culture’s worship of achievement has led many parents to assume a major role in their kids’ school work—checking assignments, reviewing for tests, searching for resources, editing papers, and more. This can be very effective in the short term (i.e., good grades) but what are the long term consequences? Ultimately it produces a de-pendent child and an exhausted parent. Parents justify their efforts by claiming their child would fail if he didn’t receive help. But what is so crushing about failure? A failing grade can be one of the most powerful incentives for change. Ultimately, a child has to learn to take the initiative and solve his own problems—unless you plan to be his roommate in college!

Wall-to-Wall Parenting: Part 2

2009-10-10T18:12:00.006-05:00

"Cutting Back"

There is an increasing trend in our culture to over-parent. This over-parenting fuels the frantic pace of life that exhausts many parents. If you trim what you do for your children, you will have the energy to give them what they truly need.

You aren’t abusing your child if you don’t attend all of his athletic contests. Many children who grew up in the 60’s and 70’s had parents who seldom watched their children participate in ath-letics. Today we’ve gone to the other extreme. I know parents who even attend all of their child’s practices!

But the constant presence of a parent is unnecessary. One of my favorite childhood memories is summertime, pick-up baseball games. When I was 11 or 12 years old, I biked across town (3-4 miles) to play baseball with my cousins and their friends. (My mom was astonished at how early I would get up to play ball!) We spent the cool mornings playing ball and the hot afternoons swimming. Reminiscing, I find that I am one of those men “who cling as long as life and common sense will let them to the days when a game of baseball could fill a whole afternoon so full that it would run over at the edges.” And this joyous experience took place without the participation of even one adult!

What are you teaching your kids when relationships with God or your spouse or one of your other children bows constantly to a child’s athletic calendar? You may be training your child to expect the whole world to attend to him in the same focused way. Over-parenting often produces self-absorbed children who never learn that the world doesn’t spin around them.

You aren’t abusing your child if you turn in your chauffeur license. Many parents spend a chunk of every day driving their children from one activity to another to another. Let them bike to a friend’s home—the added exercise will be good for them.

But part of the reason we spend so much time ferrying our kids is that we sign them up for too many activities. They need car transportation to meet their tight schedules. Why do we do this? Partly because we fear that an ounce of a child’s talent may be untapped. A parent might reason: “I know my son is already playing soccer and taking guitar lessons, but I better sign him up for golf lessons also. Who knows, he may be the next Tiger Woods!”

But would it have been a tragedy if Tiger Woods parents had placed more emphasis on academics than on golf? Psychologist John Rosemond commented on such a possibility: “Maybe Tiger would have grown up to become a virologist, and maybe he would have discovered a cure for AIDS.”

Some parents won’t cut back their child’s (and thus, their own) commitments because they fear their child’s resistance. Rather than resist, most children are relieved. They want time to be with you, to hang out at home, to read a book, to play with a friend.

Wall-to-Wall Parenting: Part 1

2009-09-14T13:07:00.008-05:00

"First Things First"

Many parents today are overly committed to parenting. Yes, you read that accurately. I have taught Christian parenting for the past 30+ years. For most of those years I have pleaded with parents to increase their commitment to their children. But in the past decade there has been a shift in our culture and in my teaching. While our children still have great needs for our involvement, I now believe many Christian parents need to cut back what they do for their children. Let me explain.

Deuteronomy 6 is a foundational passage for teaching parents how to pass on a living faith to their children. In that chapter, God instructs parents to: "Love the Lord YOUR God with all YOUR heart and with all YOUR soul and with all YOUR strength. These commandments I give you today are to be upon YOUR hearts." Parents, if you are serious about your children learning how to love God, then loving God must be the priority of your life--an even more important commitment than your commitment to your children.

But many Christian parents complain that after cooking meals, chauffeuring the kids, doing laundry, maintaining a yard, running errands, attending children’s activities, etc., etc., they don’t have the time or energy for individual time with God. But are all of these tasks part of the job description for The Good Parent? Not only are many of them unnecessary, but some are harmful. One of the major tasks for children is to learn how to be independent of their parents. If parents do too much for their kids, it will stunt their growth.

So where should we cut back what we do for our children? First, by including ALL family members in the upkeep of a household. Psychologist John Rosemond has said that when he speaks to groups of parents he asks them a question: “Raise your hand if you had chores when you were a child?” Almost all of them raise a hand. But then he asks: “Raise your hand if you require your kids to do regular chores?” And only a few raise a hand. Please, for your children’s sake, don’t treat them like privileged house guests. When our boys were growing up, they would occasionally complain about their household responsibilities: “Why do we have to weed the garden and do our own laundry? Our friends aren’t their parents’ slaves!” To those complaints we would calmly (most of the time!) answer: “Family life is a joint effort. If you don’t help out then some other member of this family will be unfairly burdened.”

So even if you’re a super-Mom who has unlimited energy, your children still need you to do less. By the time they leave home permanently, they will need to know how to wash their own clothes, clean a bathroom, fix a meal, care for a lawn, budget their money, etc. If they don’t learn this during childhood, it is much harder to learn this as an adult. (I still don’t know how to do my own laundry!)

The sacrificial, “wall-to-wall” parenting that many parents are committed to may feel good, but it may not do good. If you cut back what you do for your kids, your kids will benefit by learning how to care for themselves. You will benefit by having more time to pursue your first priority--your relationship with God.

Guiding Children's Participation, Part 4

2009-06-09T10:17:00.008-05:00

Sports for Your Unathletic Child

A clumsy child may find a walk through the house as dangerous as a walk through a mine field. It may be even more perilous for him to step onto a ball field where winners are praised and losers are ignored or berated. So, should unathletic children avoid sports? Not at all. Positive sports experiences can encourage a lifelong commitment to exercise, while also providing opportunities for fun and fellowship.

What can a parent do to encourage positive experiences for their athletically challenged child? First, take great care in selecting a sport. Avoid programs that place a heavy emphasis on winning or that don’t give each child an ample opportunity to play.

Second, you must be realistic. Admit that your child will never be a star. But he can still enjoy sports. When our son, Andrew, was seven years old, he had a boy on his soccer team who was dreadfully uncoordinated and equally unaggressive. But that child was blessed with a coach and a father who praised him for his effort and his determination. As a result, he loved soccer and played for several years.

Thirdly, be careful how you treat this child in comparison to how you treat his siblings. Dr. Chap Clark, who has authored several books on parenting, recounted a painful mistake he made with his boys. His first son was an immediate success on the soccer field, scoring a goal almost every game. Chap wanted to reward his son for his good play, so he took him for a post-game milkshake anytime he scored. But Chap’s second son wasn’t as talented as his older brother. Chap explained what happened: Somewhere near the end of his second year of soccer, I noticed a tear slip down his cheek as we drove by McDonald’s: “I guess I’ll never get a milkshake, huh, Dad?” Even as I type this, I feel myself withering on the inside. With every fiber of my being I wanted the best for my boy and to be his fan and encourager. It simply never occurred to me that rewarding one son ... would have such a painful impact on the other son.

Clark also believes that the reward of the milkshake sent both boys the wrong message. Sports for young athletes is about relationships and activity and fun. The milkshake had made it about scoring goals.

Finally, practice is essential for the unathletic child. Because he doesn’t have much natural talent, he will need to develop skills as a result of his own hard work. A parent can help by being available to play catch or pitch a baseball or retrieve a soccer ball.

Guiding Children's Participation, Part 3

2009-04-30T14:41:00.005-05:00

Build Confidence Through Praise

The Apostle Paul’s encouragement to young Christians provides a good model for how to build up our children: We instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living. Now, we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more. Paul’s strategy to stimulate further growth was to build on their successes. They had made a good start in pleasing God, but he wanted them to do so more and more.

The same principle should be used in praising our child athletes. If your daughter lacks some aggressiveness on the basketball court, don’t whine about her lack of intensity. Commend her for the time she battled for and snared a rebound. If your son made an error in a baseball game, talk about a good defensive play that he made—“You did a great job gauging the wind on that pop fly that you caught in the 2nd inning. Not many fifth-graders could make that play!”

Some parents withhold praise because they think it will give their child a “big head”. But most often, the braggart’s self-praise is a vain attempt to fill his need for approval. If you don’t praise him, he will praise himself.

But be careful--you can praise your child too much. Such “junk praise” is not worth much and it may seriously mislead him—which seems to be the case with many contestants on American Idol: "The less-than-skilled singers auditioning for American Idol is as staggering as it is sad. Simon Cowell, one of the judges on the show, has gained a reputation as being the “mean old bad guy” because he tells people the truth: some of them simply can’t sing. The fact that they’ve never been told this for fear of hurting their feelings is a troubling commentary on what we value today. "

When your child plays poorly, don’t falsely praise him by slapping him on the back and saying: “Good job!” He knows better and will resent your good-willed lie. At some point, your child may need to hear: “Tom, you’re a better basketball player than soccer player. Maybe you would like to put more time into developing your basketball skills.” Or, when a child moans about a poor performance, it might be appropriate to say, “I think you’re not improving because you have slacked off on your practice.”

For a child to be successful in the adult world, he needs to be able to discern his strengths and weaknesses, where he is gifted and not gifted. When parents offer too much approval and enthusiasm for anything and everything their child does, it disrupts the child’s growing ability to discern the truth about himself.

Guiding Children's Participation, Part 2

2009-03-18T11:15:00.004-05:00

The Cult of Winning

Don Simpson, one of the producers of the very popular Tom Cruise movie, Top Gun, said that he and his co-producer, Jerry Bruckheimer “side with the winners; we aren’t interested in the losers—they’re boring to us.” These filmmakers only reflect the predominant cultural view: you are hero if you win and a bum if you lose. And research has demonstrated that kids believe this lie--they think winners are better people!

When the culture worships winners, it stresses our kids. Psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler in her extensive work among teens has found that it “does not matter whether I am speaking with middle school or high school students, whether they come from urban areas or privileged suburban neighborhoods, or whether I am meeting with teens in focus groups or consulting privately with them in my office—almost without exception they tell me that they feel stressed by pressures to excel.”

This pressure to excel has been particularly hard on many girls who report being “totally stressed-out,” “overwhelmed,” and “completely exhausted.” Because the bar is set so high, many of them believe that to be successful they have to be extraordinary. “These teens think that besides acing every subject, they must also star in their school plays, shine in music, excel athletically, be popular, and win awards.”

The U.S.A.’s top marathoner, Ryan Hall, was almost a casualty to these pressures. Hall set very high goals for himself in running. But his “obsession” to make the 2004 Olympic Team, led to burn out. Some mornings he could barely get out of bed. He would “try desperately to go for a run, only to get 800 yards, give up and walk back home.” Hall explained: “There wasn’t anything wrong with my body; I was just emotionally and spiritually wrecked.” When he changed his goal to being faithful to God, he found freedom and greater “success”. He told God: “Whatever you want to do with it, do it. If you want to take me to the Olympics, great. If You don’t, that’s great, too.” Running became a delight again because he had the “freedom to not have to achieve something—to be able to just go out and do it for the love of doing it.”

Like Ryan Hall, our son wanted to be successful. (See previous post.) But he had to learn that in God’s world, he is successful when he is faithful: “It is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.” He was successful when he worked hard in practice, when he practiced on his own, when he didn’t grumble about the coach’s decisions, when he cheered his teammates (even the one playing ahead of him!). We reminded him that his performance might not look significant in the team’s season-ending statistics, but that God keeps a different set of books!

Guiding Children's Participation, Part 1

2009-02-18T12:30:00.003-06:00

“The Success of Failure”

When one of our sons was a junior in high school he played behind a boy on his basketball team who wasn’t nearly as talented as our son. (This wasn’t just a parental prejudice! Even a college coach made the same judgment). After one of his games in which he played little, he grumbled: “I work hard, practice extra, play well when I’m in the game, but get little playing time. Other guys never do any extra practicing, play O.K. to poorly, and get lots of playing time. I’m not sure I want to play next year.” Our discouraged son needed help.

The ability to interpret life accurately is fundamental to maturity. People are not shaped as much by their circumstances, as they are by their interpretation of those circumstances. Initially, we helped him see that his extra practice had paid off—he was leading the team in field goal percentage. Furthermore, we asked him to consider God’s purpose in all of this. Was God teaching him how to be content “in all circumstances”? to love his teammates? to trust God for his playing time? We prayed together that God would help him respond properly to the situation and that he would get an opportunity to play more significantly.

That opportunity came a few games later when one of the starters was out with an injury. We asked several people to pray for our son. We again prayed as a family. The result? He played little and poorly. Did God answer our prayers? Definitely! But not the way we had anticipated. Our deepest longings were that our son would learn how to walk with God. As a result of his poor performance, he went to his closet and dug out some information he had received at a Fellowship of Christian Athletes’ camp about how to deal with adversity. Studying that material helped him accept his situation. Our son was learning to connect with God in his pain.

As the season continued, our son had highs (e.g., a critical role in a district final win--10 points, 4 assists, 0 turnovers) and lows (e.g., little playing time during state tournament games). But he was learning (again and again!) to tell himself to put his hope in God, not in his circumstances: “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him.” (Ps.42:5). If the source of a child athlete’s happiness is praise or playing time or plaques, he will experience a great deal of unhappiness. Athletic success can never fill up a soul.

One observer of children’s development has written that maturity “grows primarily through overcoming adversity,” by which she meant “circumstances or events that oppose your desires, wishes, or ideals.” Sitting on the bench was definitely in opposition to our son’s desires or ideals! But our son’s “failure” became the basis of his “success”—he grew in ways that would not have happened had he been a consistent starter.

The Weaknesses of Children's Sports, Part 3

2009-01-07T09:04:00.007-06:00

The Problem of Comparisons

Most Americans agree with former President Gerald Ford who believed that “there are few things more important to a country’s growth and well-being than competitive athletics.” But is competitive athletics an unqualified blessing for all children? Unfortunately not.

Sports repeatedly expose children to comparisons, revealing who can throw farther, kick harder, run faster, score more points, etc. One sports psychologist believes these constant comparisons can be especially damaging to the child who frequently ends up on the bottom: The important point is that many children engage in intense competition over extended periods of time with similar consequences being repeated over and over again. It is this repetition that makes developmental considerations relevant. Childhood is a time in which to develop the confidence of being able to do a job well. When a child regularly experiences negative comparisons, it may lead to feeling incompetent or unworthy.

Yet, you might ask, Isn’t sports just one area of a child’s life? Can’t poor performers in sports raise their confidence in other activities? Some do—but many do not. The problem is that few other activities are so observable to parents and peers. Novelist James Michener, even though he was making A’s in school, noted: I can’t recall a single instance in which any member of my community gave me any accolades for such accomplishment. In [my town] all that mattered was sports, and even today across America things are not much different.

A partial solution to the problem of comparisons is to measure a child’s performance against her past performances—the time she runs a race, the number of jumps she makes in a rope-jumping time trial, the number of times she kicks a ball in a soccer game, the number of rebounds she makes in a basketball game. If you keep individual statistics for your child, you will help her feel good when she has improved her performance.

Furthermore, the emphasis given to comparative differences will often determine how children are affected. Another sports psychologist explains: Unless you give everyone the same kind of trophy, you’re telling the loser, “You’re different from the winner.” But children know who the better ball players are. To give out trophies simply accentuates this difference. It makes the youngster who doesn’t have talent feel even less capable, and it give a distorted perspective to the child who gets the higher trophy.

Eventually children must use these comparative differences in positive ways—e.g., to push themselves to become better or to determine that their gifts lie elsewhere. In the meantime, we adults must protect the weaker athletes from being crushed by what they observe.

The Weaknesses of Children's Sports, Part 2

2008-12-07T16:07:00.008-06:00

Ethical Compromise

The winning-is-the-only-thing attitude that pervades much of sports today will inevitably lead to ethical abuses. Willie Williams was an exceptional high school football player. He had one small problem: he had been arrested 12 times (one of those on a recruiting trip!) The University of Louisville, coached by Bobby Petrino at that time, still signed him to play for them--he was later kicked off UL’s team when he was arrested (surprise!) on a drug charge. Though Mr. Williams is one of the extreme cases, Dan Le Batard, sports columnist for the Miami Herald, concludes that you can’t win at the highest levels of a sport as savage and cutthroat as college football without compromising some of your educational mission along the way.

Educational mission? At times, those words are a joke. Jim Harrick’s final exam in “Coaching Principles” at the Univ. of Georgia--a class which included several athletes from his basketball team--included these challenging questions:

“How many halves are in a college basketball game?”
“Diagram the half court line."
“How many goals are there on a basketball court?”
“How many players can play at a time from one team?”

Does it matter if I promise a young black man a good education but counsel him to take easy, meaningless courses to ensure his eligibility? Does it matter if I lie about my child’s age so that he can be successful among a younger group of athletes? Does it matter if a coach bends the rules so his kids can win? One youth coach witnessed the depth to which a fellow coach stooped to win: We have this must-play rule where every player is supposed to play a series every quarter. This coach worked out a scheme whereby he’d send the poor player, No.50, say, in with, say No.60. The woman who checks the subs—we call her the watchdog—checks off 50 and 60, coming in. Then as soon as 50 gets to the huddle he turns around and runs back off with the player 60 was sent in for. The watchdog wasn’t asked to check who went out, only who went in. No.50 never played. The process does matter. It matters to No.50 and to the other players who witness such deception. They are being given a Grade A lesson in the School of Winning—a school with a limited curriculum.

Christians in sports have also demonstrated an expedient ethic. We have used the witness of big-name athletes without knowing the depth of their commitment. We justify it by saying it will attract more kids to Jesus. But what happens when that athlete is arrested for a DUI? Or is seen cursing a referee? Or later confesses that his interest in religion was just a fad? How does this effect those young athletes who heard his witness? The means do matter.

The Weaknesses of Children's Sports, Part 1

2008-11-12T21:14:00.005-06:00

An Overemphasis On Winning

A friend’s 6 year-old daughter was recruited to play on a softball team. At the beginning of the season, the coaches told the girls: “The pitcher is the most important player on the team.” (How foolish! Kids instinctively know who are the most important players. Why accentuate that?) Not surprisingly, my friend’s daughter began to practice pitching. But when she had an opportunity to pitch during a scrimmage, she was so nervous that she didn’t perform well. Still, the coach promised she would pitch an inning in their first game. When her inning came, she took the mound and started warming up but the coach replaced her with another girl, explaining later: “We needed to win.” Say what?! Why did you need to win? Why was winning more important than the developing self-image of a young girl? My friend explained that even though her daughter is the best base stealer and hitter on the team, she has never gotten over her pitching "failure".

In sports today we place much too much emphasis on winning. Flip Saunders coached the Detroit Pistons for three years. During his tenure he won 70% of his games, leading his team to the conference finals three straight years. His reward for such solid coaching? He got fired after the 2008 season. Management explained: "There are no sacred cows here. You lose that sacred-cow status when you lose three straight years like this." Lose? We’re losers unless we win it all?!

Winning is not all that importnat to kids. While watching a baseball game with my son—he was about six at the time—he wanted to know why the home team didn’t get to bat in the bottom of the ninth. I thought it was obvious, but explained that since the home team was ahead, they would win the game whether they batted or not. He got a funny look on his face and said, “So what?” He thought the home team would feel cheated because they didn’t get to bat as many times as the losing team. For him, playing was paramount, winning was secondary. Surveys indicate that kids would rather play on a losing team than sit on the bench on a winning team. Those surveys indicate that kids participate in sports for the following reasons (listed in the order of their importance):

have fun
improve and learn new skills
make and build friendships
become physically fit
win

I coached my son Jered’s select soccer team for several years. Though I know they remember some of the games they competed in, their fondest memories are about traveling, staying in hotels, cooling off in local lakes, hanging out with their friends, staying up late.

The Strengths of Children’s Sports: Part 3

2008-10-24T16:48:00.013-05:00

An Opportunity for Success

When our youngest was 11 he was playing in a championship soccer game that ended regulation in a tie. As a result, the game went to a shootout—each team was given five penalty kicks—to determine the eventual champion. My son’s team won the shootout 3-1 and my son was one of the boys who successfully executed the penalty shot. After the game I asked him: “Were you nervous?” He responded: “Not really. The net looked so big, I didn’t see how I could miss!” What was the source of his confidence ? It was based primarily on past successes on the playing field.

Child development expert, David Elkind, has pointed out that “childhood is the time when children establish either a firm sense of industry—that they can do a job and do it well—or an abiding sense of inferiority, a sense that whatever they undertake will end badly.” Every child needs to feel that he is uniquely good at something—whether it is playing a musical instrument, hitting a tennis ball, or drawing a picture. Success in sports can give children an I-can-do-it attitude toward other challenges at school, at work, in a marriage, in a walk with God.

God's standard for success is faithfulness: Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. (I Cor.4:2) Each child has been entrusted with varying amounts and types of talents. It is our job as parents to help our kids recognize how God has uniquely gifted them for various tasks in life. (Sports is just one small area.) When our son, Andrew, began playing soccer, I (who was also his coach) noticed that he had the endurance of a South Dakota winter. As a result, I chose to play him as a midfielder. Though he scored occasionally, I told him his job was broader than that--he also had to think defensively. But his older brother, Nathan, who also played soccer, was a scorer. After one game in which Nathan had scored two goals, he gave the family a very animated description of how he had scored. Near the end of his story, Andrew leaned over to me and whispered: "Dad, I'm not supposed to score goals, am I?" I whispered back: "No, Andrew, your job is to get the ball from our opponents and get it to our scorers." Andrew became content not scoring because success had been defined in a way that fit his talents.

You can help your child be successful by setting achievable goals that fit his God-given talents:

pulling down a certain number of rebounds
scoring one goal in a whole season
making 50% of his free throws
tackling two opponents

When I was a boy one of my best friends played on a baseball team that was made up of boys who were cut by Little League teams. My friend--who wasn't a talented player--had two hitting goals that season. The first was to wrangle a walk as often as he could. He did that with some frequency. The second goal was to make contact with the ball at least once during the season! That took longer. When he finally made contact and dribbled the ball to the infield our bench erupted with joy. Success is everything!

The Strengths of Children’s Sports: Part 2

2008-09-27T11:31:00.007-05:00

Emotional Development

“Watch out, batter, batter! Here comes his high, hard one!”
“Hey, batter, this guy knocked a guy out last week!”
“Here it comes! Here it comes! Watch out! Duck!”

This was the atmosphere that our son, Jered, came to bat in a youth baseball game in the final inning with two outs, the bases loaded and his team down a run. What happened? He got beaned and fell to the ground! I raced out onto the field and knelt by him. I asked, “How are you?” He answered: “I’m O.K.” Then he whispered: “It was better than striking out.”

Children’s merciless badgering of opposing hitters has one goal: to scare them to death! And kids have to learn how to handle those emotions. Children in sports are confronted with a host of negative emotions: worry over their performance, fear of being tackled too hard, discouragement over a loss, anger over a referee’s decision. Fortunately, those emotions are usually washed away by other games and seasons. However, later in life disappointments won’t be so easily laundered. For example, the judgment of a man’s boss may limit that man’s lifelong opportunities for advancement. Sports provide opportunities for children to experiment with emotions without suffering enduring consequences.

Kids who are battling emotional conflict at home, may find a refuge in sports. One young woman believes that basketball was God’s gift to her: “To this day I know that God gave me the ability to play and love basketball so that I could have some sort of release in my life. It gave me an opportunity to get out of the house and get away from my family and release all of the emotions that were ripping me up inside.” This young woman is not alone--in numerous studies exercise has been found to act as an antidote to depression and anxiety.

Finally, sports may bolster children’s emotional lives by communicating that it is OK to have fun. Many summer mornings during my youth I rode the city bus across town to play sandlot baseball with my cousins and their friends. My mom was astonished at how early I would get up to play ball! Reminiscing, I find that I am one of those “numberless American males who cling as long as life and common sense will let them to the days when a game of baseball could fill a whole hot afternoon so full that it would run over at the edges.” Some of us work too hard, take life too seriously. The Apostle Paul reminds us that God “richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment” (I Tim.6:17). Sports can be one of God's gifts that simply increase our joy in this life.

Kids' Sports: A Blessing?

2008-09-10T11:34:00.004-05:00

No running back has dominated the NFL like Jim Brown. He won the rushing title eight of nine years during his career. He is still the only player to average over 100 yards per game rushing. He was voted to the NFL Pro Bowl every year he played. And he believes that he benefited greatly from his involvement in sports:

Sports basically saved my life. . . . If I had never gone on to play at the professional level, I can safely say that the lessons I learned on the playing field in junior high and high school would have helped me through life in any other field. I walked away from those experiences knowing how to work hard, to concentrate. I knew how to get up after I lost and how to cope with the fact that I wasn’t always going to win. These lessons helped me gain confidence.

I could easily fill several large books with testimonials like Jim Brown's. Unfortunately, I could probably also fill a large book with testimonials of the negative impact of sports on children. What makes for the positive? the negative? To help your child’s sports’ memories be mostly positive, it is important to understand how sports can build or tear down children. The next few blogs will focus on the strengths and weaknesses of children's sports.

Physical Development
“Johnny, would you please mow the lawn this afternoon?”
“Dad, why do I always have to do it? Why don’t you ask Mary once in a while.
“I do ask her to help. But I’m asking you to help this time.”
“But Dad, you always make me do more.”

Ask a child to mow the lawn or clean his room, and he may act like you’ve asked him to wash all of the windows on the Empire State Building! But put him on a basketball court and he has the unconscious energy to play for hours. Sports are a way for children to get needed exercise-- without even knowing they are exercising.

How important is exercise? Exercise can not only by firm up the muscles and make the body look good, but it can also bring about positive changes in the cardiovascular system, reduce cholesterol and triglyceride levels in the blood, produce weight loss through caloric consumption, reduce blood pressure readings, and reapportion body fat.

Though the number of youth participants in sports is exploding, children’s waist-line is also exploding—the rate of childhood obesity doubled during the 80’s & 90’s. How can this be? Part of the reason our kids are obese is that they don’t maintain their commitment to exercise--over 75% of kids quit sports by the age of 15. Thus, one of our goals as parents should be to help our children develop the habit of exercise. No amount of exercise in childhood will be sufficient to support physical health as an adult.

The Time Crunch: My “Stop-doing” List

2008-08-03T14:55:00.004-05:00

Jim Collins in his bestseller, Good to Great, advises people to not only keep a “to do” list but also a “stop doing” list. If we will liposuct (is that a word?!) the fat out of our schedules, we will be trim enough to follow God’s call. Here is some of my fat:

T.V. Being a sports junkie, I can be as easily entertained by a college baseball game as by the World Series. Therefore, I must be selective on what and how I watch. If, for example, I want to watch a Twins baseball game, I start watching in the later innings so I won’t spend 3 hours watching a the game. Most of us would have time for what is truly important if we simply sliced our T.V. usage. In a recent survey, American households had the T.V. on for over 7 hours each day!
Internet. The recent death of comedian George Carlin caused me to search YouTube for some of his routines. Soon I had spent over an hour listening to the good, the bad, and the vulgar humor of Mr. Carlin. It squeezed out my time of quiet with God.
Furthermore, e-mail can bloat my life. Do I need to check my inbox daily? Is every e-mail worth reading or responding to? I often receive the following e-mail: “I don’t normally forward messages, but you have to read this one.” I very seldom open those messages.
Phone. This was difficult for me. But if the phone is a constant interruption on a quiet evening with my wife, which is more important? With Caller ID's help, I now answer only the critical calls.
Newspapers. I used to invest 30 minutes every morning reading the newspaper. But then I asked myself: Did I really need to know about the latest murder or natural disaster? Now I often let several days pile up and then read them all in 10-15 minutes.
Kids’ activities. At some point I realized that I wouldn’t be arrested for missing one of my son’s ballgames! At times, there were more important tasks for me—spending time with one of his siblings, attending an adult Bible study, helping a friend.
Shopping. On my way home, I feel the pull to stop at Menard’s even though I don’t really need anything. I am trying to avoid shopping unless I have a specific need.
Job. In the last two decades, because parents are working more, children have lost 10-12 hours per week of time with their parents. How can you cut back? Take extra time off between jobs. Ask for more vacation—even if it must be unpaid. Don’t volunteer for overtime. Change jobs.

My grape vines are constantly sending out side shoots which will only sap the strength of the main vine. The result? Small, bitter fruit. Similarly, my life tends to sprout in every conceivable direction. If I don’t make a regular practice of pruning it, I won’t enjoy the abundant harvest God has planned for me.

The Time Crunch: Protecting Your Children

2008-07-08T14:58:00.001-05:00

During our season of parenting I once calculated the commitments that my boys’ involvement in soccer required. One of them played on his school soccer team. All three of them participated on a city league team--which had a spring and a fall season. Two of them played on a traveling team. Adding up all those soccer practices and games, the commitments totaled over 100 separate entries on our family calendar!

Children are inundated with opportunities today. Our kids can play a dozen or more sports--many of them year-round. They can learn to play a musical instrument. They can sing in the school or church choir. They can attend a church or computer camp. Oh, yes, and they still have school nearly 40 hours each week! No wonder Marie Winn has said that many children today look like tired businessmen. And we parents must take the blame for allowing them to become overscheduled. We fill our children’s schedules because we fear that we might be depriving them of something important. But what do our children really need?

Many parents keep their kids (and themselves!) busy, busy, busy, because they don’t really know what children need to grow up and become a mature disciple of Jesus Christ. If your daughter is playing on the school’s volleyball team will her life be stunted if she doesn’t join the dance team also? Does your seventh grade boy—who has shown only moderate interest in basketball—really need to attend 2 basketball camps this summer? Will your child actually drop hopelessly behind his peers if he skips one season of softball?

Many parents seem to believe that if a child complained: “I’m bored”, it would be an indictment against their parenting. You are not your child’s Recreation Director! It is very important that children learn how to be alone, to be quiet. It is in boredom or quietness that they have the time to think, rest, reflect, read their Bibles.

A recent poll by KidsHealth found that over 40% of kids feel stressed most or all of the time because they have “too much to do.” Let your children be children and give them an ample amount of unstructured time.

The Time Crunch: Hearing God’s Voice

2008-06-03T09:36:00.002-05:00

I often hear people ask: “How do I hear the voice of God?” This is a problem in our noisy world. If you want to have a serious conversation with your spouse, do you make sure that every T.V. and radio in the house is blasting at full strength? Obviously not. You want quiet. Similarly, if you want to hear God’s voice you must reduce the noise. What is noise? It is whatever fills or distracts our minds—radios, CD players, the internet, T.V., household appliances, children’s voices, etc., etc. If the decibels are not turned down, trying to hear God’s voice is like trying to converse with a friend at a very loud rock concert or a playoff football game in the Metrodome.

In several of these posts on The Time Crunch I have urged you to hear God’s voice as the basis for escaping from a harried lifestyle. When you know what God wants you to do, it is much easier to say “No” when asked to do something different. But how do we turn down the noise?

Cathy and I recently returned from a vacation with our kids and grandkids. Wow! We had forgotten how demanding young children can be. All day long we were engulfed by their chatter and their arguments and their shrieks and their laughter. How does a mother of young children find time to hear God speak? She may need to rise early because it is the only time she can have uninterrupted time with God.

Jesus also made quiet time with God a priority. After a strenuous day of ministry that lasted well into the night, very early the next morning, while it was still dark, he left the house and went to a solitary place to pray. Jesus knew what was coming. He knew that the daily racket of people’s needs would make it difficult to hear the voice of His Father throughout the day. So he began the day tuning his ear to the Father.

Each person’s life circumstances are somewhat different. At this stage of my life it isn’t difficult to find quiet time in my daily schedule. But if you do struggle to find time for God, look carefully at your habit patterns. Do you need to watch Sportscenter each morning? Could you get up 15 minutes earlier? Could you put off checking your e-mail until you have had some time to read your Bible and converse with God? Could you devote your lunch break to be alone with God?

Learning to discern God’s voice takes time and diligence. A five minute devotional at the end of the day isn’t enough. How well would you know your mate’s desires if you only spent five minutes a day communicating?! As with a marriage, so it is with God—there must be extended times of quiet interaction to be able to hear His voice. Would you set aside some extra time this week to be with your Father? He is waiting and wanting to talk with you.

The Time Crunch: Focus On Key Relationships

2008-05-07T11:28:00.002-05:00

Have you ever tallied the people you encounter in your daily life? My partial list includes: my wife, my kids, my grandkids, my neighbors, my students, members of my church, extended family, fellow board members of a local ministry, business associates, athletic friends, men from a morning Bible study. But that isn’t all. Modern technology allows me to have regular contact with former students & classmates, missionaries in the Ukraine and Israel, former Sioux Falls residents, couples I taught at a summer Family Camp. Furthermore, I am presently corresponding with two former candidates for Senior Pastor of our church (I was the chairman of the Search Committee) and the wife (whom I have never met) of a troubled former student.

Many of us feel like we are drowning in a crowded sea of relationships. This isn’t the way it was a century ago. Professor Ken Gergen explains: A century ago, social relationships were largely confined to the distance of an easy walk. Most were conducted in person, within small communities: family, neighbors, townspeople. Yes, the horse and carriage made longer trips possible, but even a trip of thirty miles could take all day. The railroad could speed one away, but cost and availability limited such travel. If one moved from the community, relationships were likely to end.

Now obviously, in a Biblical lifestyle, people are very important—the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. But that doesn’t mean that I am obligated to develop a relationship with every person who drifts through my life. In descending order, Jesus spent the most time with his closest friends (Peter, James and John), next the Twelve, then a committed group of 72 disciples, the larger body of disciples, and finally, the masses.

Many of us feel harried because we are trying to keep up with too many relationships. Thus, relationships—which are designed to be renewing—become a drain on us. When I flit from one shallow relationship to another, who knows when I am tempted? when I am hurting? when I need encouragement?

When I try to maintain too many relationships, I don’t have time for the most important relationships. Who begs me to spend 15 minutes reading with my kids at bedtime? Who exhorts me to spend quiet time with God? Who twists my arm to date my wife? In Deuteronomy, Moses explained that a newly married husband was freed from work and military duties for one year so he could bring happiness to his bride. Wow! A 52 week honeymoon!

God wants us to give priority to our most significant relationships. We can’t do this unless we say “No” to many other relationships.

The Time Crunch: On a Mission to Everywhere

2008-04-14T22:06:00.003-05:00

Busy. Busy. Busy. Most of us are caught up in a frenzy of activity that leaves us exhausted and edgy. But in spite of the crush of human need, Jesus never appeared to be in a hurry. Why not? An incident from early in his ministry is revealing.

Jesus had spent the day teaching and healing in Capernaum. (Mark 1) But the day didn’t end until well after sunset because the people brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed--it appeared that the whole town had gathered at the home of Peter’s mother-in-law. Very early the next morning, Jesus retreated to a solitary place to pray. When the miffed disciples finally found him, they exclaimed: “Everyone is looking for you!” What an opportunity—doors flung wide open for ministry. Why not rent a public building and have nightly meetings for the next 30 days? Imagine what Jesus could do in a month—there wouldn’t be a broken bone or a broken marriage in the entire city.

But astoundingly (to the Twelve) Jesus declined the invitation: “Let us go somewhere else so I can preach there also. That is why I have come.” Jesus knew his purpose. He knew what God had called him to do. That made it possible to decline such a tempting offer.

Mark Buchanan in Your God Is Too Safe, has observed that “at the heart of Jesus’ ministry was a holy must. He must go through Samaria. He must go to Jerusalem. He must suffer. Everything he did or refused to do centered around that.” This must brought “wonderful clarity” to Jesus’ choices.

Many of us have no God-inflamed purpose which drives and directs our choices: “There is activity. There is opinion. There is busyness. But there is nothing ... to convert selfish ambition into holy purpose.” We are like Jerry Sittser who lamented his inability to say “no”: “I am like a man on a mission to everywhere.”

Jesus didn’t heal every sick person or preach in every synagogue or accept every invitation. But he did accomplish every task the Father assigned to him. Many of us let friends or relatives or pastors, rather than God, fix our agendas. We need to respond to significant requests of our time by praying: "Lord, is this how you want me to use my time and gifts?"

The Time Crunch, Part 1

2008-03-27T10:12:00.007-05:00

Does this poem by Michael Quoist sound familiar?

Goodbye, sir, excuse me, I haven’t time.
I’ll come back, I can’t wait, I haven’t time.
I must end this letter—I haven’t time.
I can’t accept, having no time.
I can’t think, I can’t read, I’m swamped, I haven’t time.
I’d like to pray, but I haven’t time...

You understand, Lord, we simply haven’t the time....
Lord, you must have made a mistake in your calculations.
There is a big mistake somewhere.
the hours are too short,
The days are too short,
Our lives are too short....

How has this happened? How have we become such time paupers when so many modern inventions have eased the burdens of daily life? Peter Kreeft points out that if we stop someone on the street and ask, "Do you have a free hour or two to converse about the best things in life, about wisdom and virtue, about truth and goodness?” we should expect to hear a ready yes more than any of our ancestors could. Yet, of course, the situation is exactly the opposite. It is much less likely today than at any time in the past that anyone will have a free hour for the most important things in life.

Our ancestors, who had to haul their water and grow their own food and sew their own clothing, didn’t complain about a lack of time and seemed to have more time for what is truly important. And so should we. God created ample time for each of us to accomplish all he calls us to do—if we will learn how to use time wisely: Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of the time because the days are evil. (Eph.5:15,16)

Kids' Lies

2008-02-11T10:01:00.000-06:00

"Please, dear God, help Mom and Dad know that I am telling the truth," an 8 year-old boy pleaded. This boy's parents had accused him of lying and he was hoping for a divine rescue. When further evidence was accumulated, it became apparent that the boy was lying and he finally confessed. This boy's parents came to see me because their son had a recurring problem with lying. They had tried spanking him, taking away privileges, grounding him--nothing seemed to work. How should they react to their son’s behavior?

Though lying is certainly a sin, nearly all children lie. But a heavy-handed response is seldom the right way to discourage lying. God promised Abraham and Sarah that they would have a son. Over two decades later, when this couple was well past their childbearing days, the son had still not been born. So the angel of the Lord visited Abraham's tent and announced a son would be born within the year. When Sarah overheard this, she laughed, thinking: "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?"

The angel of the Lord confronted Sarah, asking, "Why did [you] laugh? Is anything too hard for the Lord?"

But Sarah denied she laughed: "Sarah was afraid, so she lied, and said, `I did not laugh.'"

But God knew the truth: "Yes, you did laugh."

How did God correct Sarah? He didn't lash her with a fifty minute lecture about the evils of lying. He didn’t tell her she was a bad person. He didn't take back his promise of a son. All he did was mildly correct her: “Yes, you did laugh.” When lying is gently corrected it normally won’t become a major problem.

Furthermore, God did not ask Sarah whether she laughed—He knew she had lied. Instead, he asked why she laughed. If you know your child is lying, don’t give him an opportunity to lie. Don’t ask: “Did you hit your brother?” Rather, say: “I know you hit your brother and we can’t allow that.” Lying can become habitual—don’t give your child unnecessary opportunities to develop that habit.

When we suspected, but couldn’t prove, our boys were lying, Cathy and I reminded them: “The critical issue isn’t our judgment, but God’s judgment. If you are telling the truth, God knows. And if you are lying, God also knows. We’ll leave it between you and God.” When children recognize that the approval of their all-seeing Father is foremost, then lying often becomes a smaller problem. As this truth was planted in our boys' hearts, their squabbles often included this perspective. If two of them came to us with conflicting stories, one of them often turned to the other and said with prophet-like conviction: “God knows!”

Divorce: Renewing a Broken Marriage

2008-01-03T11:43:00.000-06:00

The Pharisees asked Jesus: "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" (Mt.19:8). Wrong question! The legality of divorce is not the place to begin a discussion about divorce.

Jesus reminded the Pharisees that God weaves the souls of a husband and a wife together: "they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Their first question should have been about how to maintain this God-founded unity.

The disciples were stunned by Jesus’ high standard: "If this is the situation between a man and his wife, then it is better not to marry." They didn't believe it was humanly possible to fulfill such a commitment. They were right--without God's help marriage is impossible. That’s why marital conflict should send us to our knees before it sends us to our lawyer.

There’s so much that you can do to resuscitate a dying marriage:

Get honest. Do you ask God to reveal your marital sins? to teach you how to love an unlovely mate? Even after nearly four decades of marriage, I still find it nearly as hard to say "I was wrong" as I do to lift a thousand pounds. I still make my suggestions sound like commands. I still can be as stubborn as a South Dakota winter. Without continually opening myself to God, I can become complacent or blind to my sins—thus demoralizing my wife and making it harder for her to deal with her own shortcomings.
Get help. Find someone with a growing marriage who will pray with you, who will teach you, who will be honest with you. But be careful—not all friends are created equal. Some will advise you to dump a marriage that can be revived. Look for a different friend!
Get educated. How successful would you be at your job without schooling? without reading books or journals? without attending seminars? Similarly, how can you expect to have a successful marriage without training? Read a book on marriage each year. Attend an occasional seminar. Join a Bible study on marriage.

No one has an “etch-a-sketch” marriage—the past cannot be erased: Second [marriages] come with 3 small children, a low-paying job, and the ghosts of the failed marriage. Some come with a sense of having been torn away from one's children and not knowing how to re-establish a home. Some second chances begin with loneliness and a feeling of being unloved and unlovable.

Since divorce is seldom the relief that people anticipate, dig in, plant some seeds, pull some weeds, wait for a harvest. A healthy marriage is one of life's choicest fruits.

Divorce: The Myth of the Good Divorce

2007-12-12T09:46:00.001-06:00

Elizabeth Marquardt’s research has concluded that even though a good divorce is better than a bad divorce, it is still not good for children. She found that children from a mannerly divorce often compare poorly to children from an unhappy marriage, so long as that marriage is low-conflict (2/3 of marriages that end in divorce are.) As reported in much of the divorce literature, these kids don’t perform as well academically; they are more delinquent; they use more drugs; and they are more sexually active.

But an additional problem that children of divorce face is the problem of developing a unified world view. Though a mom’s and a dad’s personalities, morals, religious beliefs, and parenting styles always differ, in most marriages they recognize that they have the job of rubbing the rough edges of their own worlds together in an attempt to hand [children] something reasonably whole.

But after the divorce, there is little motivation for ex-spouses to be unified. One child explained: So you’d go with one and they’d be like, “Ah, stay out till ten! You can walk to the playground!” And the other one’s like, “You can’t go anywhere! You have a bike but you have to ride it in your yard.” With conflicting rules, these kids have to stay on their toes: We paid close attention to the different rules at each parent’s home and the conflicts in their expectations of us.... We adjusted ourselves to each of our parents, shaping our habits and beliefs to mimic theirs when we were around them. We often felt like a different person with each of our parents.

These kids felt like chameleons as they tried to adapt to their changing environment. But they weren’t designed for such major adaptation: We looked to two worlds that seemed as different as night and day. The chasm between the two worlds made reconciling their differences seem much more daunting, perhaps even impossible. They became mentally stuck when they tried to answer life’s greatest questions--Who am I? Is there a God? What is the good?--because they didn’t have a settled identity.

Though they don’t have to remain caught between two worlds forever—there is renewal through Christ—we make the task of establishing a unified, life-guiding identity much harder when they don’t have unified parents.

Divorce: Impact on Children

2007-11-17T11:01:00.000-06:00

Why are children the biggest losers in the severing of marital ties? Because stable, healthy marriages comprise the scaffolding upon which children mount successive developmental stages. When that structure collapses, the children's world is temporarily without supports.

Children lose their protection because of the nature of divorce: In most crisis situations, such as a fire, parents instinctively reach out and grab hold of their children, bringing them to safety first. In the crisis of divorce, however, mothers and fathers put children on hold, attending to adult problems first. As Mary Pipher explains, children need parents who will talk to them, supervise them, help them stay organized and support them when they are down. Rocked by shock, grief, and anger, divorcing parents often just don’t have the energy to give. And many are busy with new challenges: job hunting, returning to school, dating.

When children of divorce see their parents struggling, it can be terrifying. Elizabeth Marquardt, a child of divorce, explained: As children, seeing our mother or father scared or hurt was frightening. They were, after all, our line of defense against the scary world outside. They were supposed to be bigger than that world. Kids have an expectation that parents will keep them safe and are shocked when they are unable to offer much support. And in a complete reversal of roles, some of these parents turn tragically to their children for support!

Furthermore, many children of divorce are forced to grow up prematurely. When Marquardt was five years old she would fly alone to visit her dad. By nine, she could walk or bike almost anywhere alone. Though she was praised for her “maturity”, she was suffering: "If I was mature on the outside, inside I was still a child, often lonely, sometimes confused, and sometimes very scared. When I was home alone or taking care of my brother, I imagined strangers peeping in our windows. Unfortunately, my parents didn’t have room for feelings such as these. My mother was too overwhelmed, and my father lived too far away." And unfortunately, when these needy teens express their deep pain, they are likely to do it in dangerous ways. Often they feel that their parents broke the rules and so now they can too.

Approximately two-thirds of couples who divorce had a low-conflict marriage. (And as stated earlier, only a minority of people who are unhappy in their marriage today will still be unhappy in five years.) Is it too much to ask them to hang onto a mediocre marriage so that their children will have a stable environment to grow up in?

Divorce: The Truth About Ourselves

2007-10-25T10:57:00.000-05:00

Most people who seek a divorce think they are getting away from a troublesome spouse--what many are fleeing is themselves. Mike Mason explains that the closer we are drawn to another person the more we are revealed in the other's light, revealed for what we are. Others are mirrors in which we see ourselves, not as we would like to be, but as we are. Whenever we pull away, searching in one mirror after another for a more pleasing image, what we are really doing is avoiding the truth about ourselves.

In the early years of our marriage Cathy and I battled frequently. We didn't even have the self-control to keep our fights private--I doubt either of our families would have bet a dollar on a 10th, or even a 5th, wedding anniversary! Being convinced that the weight of our problems rested on her, I prayed diligently that God would change her. But my prayers seemed to have little effect. So what was the solution? Was it time to admit my mistake and go fishing in the pond again? Thank God I didn't. Eventually through the Scriptures, and the patience of my wife, I was given sight. She didn’t need near as much help as I did: Lord, forgive me for being so blind. Remove my selfishness and pride. Help me become the husband you want me to be.

When my gardening tools need sharpening I take them to a friend who has a grinding wheel. As I lay the shovel on that rotating stone the sparks fly like it is the 4th of July. If my shovel could speak, it would probably scream at the stone’s grinding away of its nicks and notches. But if it avoids the stone, it looses its effectiveness. So it is in life. It is in the friction of intimacy that our rough edges can be revealed and removed. We must remember the counsel of Solomon: As iron sharpens iron, so does one person sharpen another. (Prov.27:17).

Divorce: Divine Math

2007-10-04T19:05:00.000-05:00

God, through the prophet Malachi, stated bluntly: I hate divorce. Why does divorce grieve God so deeply? Jesus explained that divorce negates God's original design: "For this reason a
man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. "

When two people wed, something profoundly spiritual takes place. Marriage is more than a legal contract. It is more than a sexual union. A new math is discovered: 1 + 1 = 1. God has joined together a husband and a wife into a spiritual unity. And when that unity is ripped apart, they feel the pain of dismemberment. A divorce . . . is not like the pieces of a puzzle coming apart, with precisely defined, individualized parts remaining whole and intact. It is more like trying to make two bodies out of a single body. Ouch!

Dr. Judy Wallerstein who has been studying the long-term effects of divorce for the past 30 years, began her research with the prejudice that divorce would be painful, but the wounds would soon heal. Her findings shouted a different message. Decades after the divorce, Wallerstein observed: I was braced for a few tears, reluctance to look back, lingering attachments, and maybe occasional regret that a divorce had ever happened. But I did not expect the experience to endure so fully for so many, with high drama, passions, vivid memories, fantasy relationships, jagged breaks in development, intense anger.

She concluded: There is no evidence that time alone diminishes feelings or memories; that hurt and depression are overcome; or that jealousy, anger, and outrage will vanish. Some experiences are just as painful ten years later; some memories haunt us for a lifetime. God designed us to have one partner for life. When this pledge is broken, it produces sour fruit.

There are certainly conditions in which divorce is the only option. (The Scriptures make provision for these divorces.) But the majority of divorces come out of relationships that could easily be saved. All marriages go through difficult times. One study found that only a minority of people who are unhappy in their marriages today still feel that way only five years later.

Hang on. Divorce is seldom a cure for unhappiness. And there are experiences that are far worse than enduring a mediocre marriage.

Divorce: A Modern Day Tragedy

2007-09-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

The car was shrouded in silence as dad drove his son home. Finally the seven-year old blurted out angrily: "When you comin' home?!" Dad paused, trying to put his own agony into a child's
words. He, too, wanted to come home. He wanted to be there when his kids scrambled out of bed in the morning. He longed for the chaos of family dinners. He yearned for someone to talk to in the evenings. Finally he answered: "I don't know. Mom and I aren't getting along right now. I hope it's soon." Dad never made it home. The separation became permanent.

During my entire childhood I knew only two divorced families. Today, it is estimated that somewhere from 40-50% of first time marriages will end in divorce. (Second marriages fail at an even higher rate.) Each year over one million new children experience the breakup of their families.

Because of the pervasiveness of divorce, I will devote the next several posts to this subject. Why is this important for all of us? "`Each divorce is the death of a small civilization.' When one family divorces, that divorce affects relatives, friends, neighbors, employers, teachers, clergy, and scores of strangers. . . . divorce is not a them-versus-us problem; everyone in one way or another, has been touched by it." I had a woman tell me that the divorce of her son was harder on her than the unexpected death of her husband. She mourned the loss of her daughter-in-law.

The purpose for these articles is not to beat people up who have had a divorce, but to offer hope and encouragement to those impacted by our divorce culture. The next post will examine God’s perspective on divorce.

The Love of Reading, Part 3

2007-05-17T07:51:00.000-05:00

While the average American reads less than two hours each week, he watches T.V. 15-20 hours each week--that’s about an 8-1 ratio. Does anyone believe that T.V. is eight times more valuable than reading?! If you truly want to read more, you must control your T.V. habits. You may want to unsubscribe to cable T.V. or banish the T.V. from your bedroom or read 30 minutes each day before you pounce on the remote. Author Roald Dahl pleads with us:

Please, oh PLEASE, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away.
And in its place you can install,
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.

Cathy and I recently finished reading Susan Howatch’s novel, Absolute Truths. Two of the primary characters are clergymen who are antagonists throughout the novel. One is liberal, the other is conservative. One was educated at Oxford, the other at a lesser college. One had an affair. The other preached regularly against immorality. But they both shared the same mentor, Jon Darrow.

One evening the two men coincidentally arrive at Darrow’s door at the same time. During the following difficult conversation between the three of them, Darrow expressed a desire that they know each other better: I know so much about you both. I know not only about all your difficulties but about how hard you’ve worked to overcome them. You look at each other and see only your faults, but I look at you in the light of my special knowledge and find I can overlook those faults because I know your virtues are far more important. How impressed you would be with each other if you knew what I knew! What heroes you would be in each other's eyes! As we read this book we were reminded again and again that we don’t know others very well. Our adversaries are never as foul or feeble as we think they are. Through reading this novel I was able to release a judgmental attitude that I have carried for a long time.

Though we all need some occasional fluff, easy reading shouldn’t be the staple of our diet. Compare a Danielle Steele novel with a Howatch novel. A Steele novel has more twists and turns than an episode of Fox’s “24”. Though you may be entertained, how have you benefited? Have you gained any insights into how to love your mate? how to direct your children? how to view your enemy? how to invest your life? You may be tempted to quit reading most good novels in the first 100-150 pages because they slowly lay the ground work for their characters and plot. One of the reasons that we don’t read more and better literature may simply be that we are lazy.

The Love of Reading, Part 2

2007-05-02T10:35:00.000-05:00

Whenever historians list the greatest U.S. Presidents, Thomas Jefferson is always included. What was the source of his greatness? Jefferson biographer, Fawn Brodie, believes it was rooted in his early training which she called an “apprenticeship for greatness.” While most law students served an apprenticeship of no more than two years, Thomas Jefferson was tutored by George Wythe for five full years. (Patrick Henry boasted that he studied no more than six weeks. That’s something to be proud of?!)

Jefferson’ training consisted of five years of “uninterrupted reading, not only in the law but also in ancient classics, English literature, and general political philosophy.” As a young man “when most of his friends were hunting, gambling, cockfighting, speculating, marrying young, or wenching among slaves, he seems to have buried himself in books and the kind of books most of his friends avoided as difficult or esoteric.”

Jefferson’s lifelong commitment to reading was obvious when he advised a young lawyer to spend his pre-dawn hours reading "in physical studies, Ethics, Religion, natural and sectarian, and natural law.” Then from 8 A.M to noon he should read the law, from twelve to one in politics, and in the evening criticism, rhetoric, and oratory. Over half of a lawyer’s day should be spent in reading. Wow! This commitment to reading became a “necessity for Jefferson, like music and gardening, a special nutrient without which he withered.”

When I look back on my life, I shudder to think how withered my life would be without reading. Books (including the Scriptures) have been my primary source of learning how to parent, how to be a husband, how to educate my children, how to steward God’s gifts, how to prepare for eternity, how to care for my body, and much, much more.

Sadly, nearly 40% of American adults seldom or never read a book. The average American spends less than two hours reading each week--this includes light reading like newspapers and letters.

Harry Truman said the “not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers.” Like Jefferson, do you want to be an effective leader? in your home? at work? at church? Then you would be wise to develop the discipline of reading.

The Love of Reading, Part 1

2007-04-15T07:31:00.000-05:00

Roald Dahl, the immensely popular children’s author (James and the Giant Peach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The BFG, etc.) was certainly one of my boys’ favorite authors. (Well, O.K., he is one of my favorites, too!) His imagination, wit, and eloquence combined to create marvelous literature.

Most of Dahl’s childhood, however, was very bleak. His education took place in an English boarding school, which Dahl described as “days of horror, of fierce discipline, of no talking in the dormitories, no running in the corridors, no untidiness of any sort, no this or that or the other, just rules, rules and still more rules. And the fear of the dreaded cane hung over us like the fear of death.” He hated school and the feelings were reciprocal. His report cards described him as “incapable” and “of limited ideas.”

But one Saturday morning a woman was hired to look after the boys while the school’s staff had a morning to themselves. Mrs. O’Connor loved literature and spent most of those Saturday’s reading to the boys. “Her enthusiasm and love of books were so contagious and spellbinding that she became the highlight of the school week for Dahl. Within a year he’d become an insatiable reader, and Dahl credits Mrs. O’Connor with turning him into a reader—which made it possible to become a writer.

A lifelong devotion to reading good literature is the cornerstone for all learning. Educator Jim Trelease explains why he believes teachers should read regularly to their students: When you take time to read to your class you are not neglecting the curriculum. Reading is the curriculum. The principal ingredient of all learning and teaching is language. Not only is it the tool with which we communicate the lesson, it is also the product the student hands back to us.

Similarly, Emilie Buchwald has written that “children are made readers on the laps of their parents.” One of my fondest childhood memories is my mother reading books to me--Swiss Family Robinson, The Little House on the Prairie books, The Hardy Boys. With our boys, vacations were a time to indulge in books--reading in the car, at the dinner table, at bedtime. We packed age-appropriate books about the flora and fauna and the history of the places we visited.

Children need time to read. Train them to read quietly in their rooms while you prepare dinner. Give them time in the evenings before bed to read by themselves. ("Do you want to turn your light out now or would you like to read for a while?") But remember--you can’t pass on what you don’t possess. If you aren’t a reader it is unlikely that your children will be readers.

The Tomb of Jesus?

2007-03-27T10:14:00.001-05:00

Part 2, The Biblical Witness

When James Cameron's documentary claims that finding The Burial Cave of Jesus “is the biggest archaeological story of the century,” is this bad news for the good news? Not at all. Soon after the news of the possible find of Jesus’ bones came out, I had a non-Christian friend gloat to me: “So, this disproves Christianity, right?” This documentary gave me my first good oppor-tunity to talk to him about Jesus.

As opposed to the unfounded assertions of the documentary, the testimony of numerous eye-witnesses is clear: Jesus was bodily resurrected from a rich man’s tomb. (Thus there are no bones to find.) Jesus repeatedly (Matthew 16:21; 17:22f; 20:18f) predicted this (“the Son of Man must suffer many things ... and after 3 days will rise again.”) It was proclaimed by the angels at the tomb (“Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here. He is risen.” Lk.24:5,6). It was believed by the disciples (“It is true! The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon.) During the 40 days the resurrected Christ met with his disciples, hundreds saw him alive. (I Cor.15:6). (Some have conjectured that the disciples so wanted Jesus to be alive again that they hallucinated his resurrection. But do 500 people have a mass, unified hallucination?!)

But what evidence do we have that the Biblical eye-witnesses are reliable? Much indeed. First, what event could have caused the dramatic change in the disciples? When Jesus was arrested, his followers fled. Peter wouldn’t even admit his allegiance to Jesus to an insignificant servant girl. But a few months later, he boldly preached a risen Christ in the streets of Jerusalem. Would the disciples have risked the murderous wrath of the Jewish officials for a rotting carcass lying in a coffin? I don’t think so. Chuck Colson has pointed out that when Richard Nixon’s presidency was sinking, his closest aides jumped ship and testified against him to save their own skins. Self-preservation is one of our strongest urges.

Furthermore, even if we grant the possibility that the disciples concocted this story about a Living Jesus, wouldn’t his enemies have exhumed the corpse and dragged it through the city streets to disprove this dangerous “heresy”? A dead body would have buried Christianity before it sprang to life.

Be prepared to “give an answer for the hope within us” when people talk about the purported burial cave of Jesus. The belief that best fits the facts is that HE IS RISEN!

The Tomb of Jesus?

2007-03-07T08:46:00.000-06:00

Part 1: The Archaeological Facts

James Cameron who produced the movie, The Titanic, is trying to float a theory that a recent (1980) discovery of a tomb in Jerusalem is the tomb of Jesus’ family and one of the ossuaries (coffins) in the tomb contains his bones. But the iceberg of facts sinks this theory faster than the Titanic.

First, where would we expect to find the crypt of Jesus of Nazareth? Not in Jerusalem but in Jesus’ ancestral home of Nazareth.

Secondly, this tomb is the tomb of a wealthy family. It has a large central room surrounded by alcoves which contained the ossuaries of the different family members. Jesus was a poor man from a poor family. It is very unlikely that they could have afforded the tomb that was discovered.

Cameron’s documentary also claimed that the names on the coffins was a major piece of evidence. But even though some of the names were the same, others didn’t fit. And the names in Jesus’ family were very common. One source contends that Mary was a name that was given to nearly one-fourth of all girls born at this time!

Furthermore, the documentary claims that one of the coffins contained the remains of Mary Magdalene. What is the evidence for this? Simply that one of the coffins contained the bones of a “Mariamene” (which is the Greek name for Mary). Then the documentary suggests (much like the Da Vinci Code did last year) that Mary Magdalene and Jesus were married. And the evidence for this wild claim? DNA samples of the supposed bones of Jesus and the bones of “Mariamene” show they didn’t share any family blood. But even if “Mariamene” and “Jesua” were married, there isn’t more than a speck of evidence that they were the Jesus and Mary Magdalene of the Bible.

If all of this seems like a giant leap, it is. Israeli archaeologist, Amos Kloner, who has researched the tomb thoroughly and has written about those findings, claims that there isn’t “any proof whatsoever” for the documentary’s claims. Another researcher believes it is all “about money and headlines.”

Forgiveness: Part 7

2007-02-15T15:35:00.000-06:00

John and Diane were close friends of ours who shared numerous family vacations with us when our kids were young. Though we saw tension in their marriage we didn’t think it was anything fatal and were shocked when John moved out of his home and eventually asked for a divorce. He had become involved with another woman and eventually married her.

Some years later we were with Diane for a few days and we asked her what she had learned about forgiveness. She explained that she had had to learn how to forgive John again and again and again. When she was lonely, she had to forgive him for deserting her. When she struggled financially, she had to forgive him for not providing security for her. When they struggled with issues related to their children, she had to forgive him for destroying the family unity.

Forgiveness is not a once-for-all-time event. It is a state which must be maintained. When Joseph’s brothers came trembling to him when their dad died, fearful that Joseph’s forgiveness had been a sham to please Dad, Joseph repeated his enduring perspective: “God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Every time Joseph was tempted to become bitter for his lost years or his lost family life or his lost innocence, he probably repeated to himself: “God intended it for good.”

Therefore, to maintain our forgiveness we must be very careful how we view the past. David Augsburger explains: “You may recall the hurt but you may not relive it. No constant reviewing, no rehashing of the old hurt, no going back to sit on the old gravestones where past grievances lie buried.” There is no indication that Joseph ever relived the day he was thrown into the pit or the day he was sold as a slave or the day he was thrown into the dungeon. Instead, he diligently performed his God-given tasks--whether it was serving a prison warden or the Pharaoh.

Forgiveness, especially for life’s deepest hurts, is “a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey.” May God give us the strength and grace to forgive “seventy times seven.”

Forgiveness, Part 6

2007-01-30T16:02:00.001-06:00

“The Cost of Unforgiveness”

As I have meditated on Joseph’s life, I have wondered, When did he forgive his brothers? Though not stated explicitly, I think it happened early in Joseph’s trials. Why do I believe this? Because the fruit of unforgiveness would have prevented him from successfully serving Potiphar, the prison warden, and Pharaoh.

I have a friend named Jeff who for the last 40 years has lived an unstable, alcohol-dependent life. During one of our conversations, my slightly drunk friend became riled when the subject of his dad came up. He yelled: “And when I was in 8th grade he bought me right-handed golf clubs!” Left-handed Jeff has let that bitter memory drip poison into his life for over 40 years! Does time heal wounds? Only when it is combined with forgiveness.

How many of you would willingly let the person who has hurt you do it again? Would Joseph have wanted his brothers to throw him in a pit, threaten to kill him, and sell him again into slavery? Heaven forbid! But Jeff is letting his father continue to abuse him in his memories. If Jeff doesn’t learn how to forgive, his dad will keep abusing him – even after Dad is dead!

Reliving painful memories corrodes our strength for daily living. As Jesus said, “Each day has enough trouble of its own.” If I relive yesterday’s trouble, I won’t have the strength for today’s trouble.

Unforgiveness, then, is simply too costly to me: “Hatred is self-destructive. It is cheaper to pardon than to resent. The high cost of anger, the extravagant expense of hatred, and the unreasonable interest on grudges make resentment out of the question!”

Forgiveness: Part 5

2007-01-12T14:06:00.000-06:00

“Defining Forgiveness”

When Donald Trump called Rosie O’Donnell a “low-life” and a “mental midget”, what would it mean for Rosie to forgive Donald? (Understand—this is completely hypothetical!) The primary New Testament word for forgiveness means literally to “release” or “let go”. In the same way that Joseph relinquished his opportunities to punish his brothers, Rosie would have to give up her verbal counterattacks (no more comparing Don to a “snake oil salesman.”)

And this desire to return evil for evil, must be relinquished again and again. Throughout the rest of Joseph’s life, he never brought up his brothers’ sin again. In fact, many years after their reconciliation, the brothers dredged up the past when Dad died. They were afraid that Joseph had only been waiting for Jacob’s death. But Joseph still would not blame them, clinging to his enduring conviction that “God intended it for good.” And when they offered themselves as his slaves, Joseph turned them down. Complete forgiveness releases the offending person from any obligations. Joseph asked for no apologies, no reformation, no restitution. Forgiveness steps “outside the systems of law” and steps “into the world of mercy.”

If there is no God, then Rosie and Donald should exact a pound or two of flesh. But Joseph believed in a different sort of justice. When his brothers expressed fear of retaliation, he asked: “Am I in the place of God?” When he forgave, he was releasing his brothers to the True Judge who will give to each person “what is due him for things done in the body.”

Jay Adams has written that when I forgive, I am making three promises:

I will not bring the matter up to you.
I will not bring the matter up to others.
I will not bring the matter up to myself.

Trump and O’Donnell have repeatedly broken all three of these promises. (It’s sad to watch two adults humiliate themselves in such a public brawl.) Adams’ last promise—to not bring the matter up to myself—is the basis of the other two. When I don’t hold onto bitter memories, I won’t use my tongue to hurt you or your name.

“We Three(?) Kings(?) of Orient(?) ...”

2006-12-23T10:09:00.000-06:00

... so the beloved Christmas carol begins. Unfortunately, the opening line has at least three historical errors. First, we don’t know the number of men. Second, they weren’t kings. And third, they didn’t travel from the Orient!

Who were these mysterious travelers? And what does their presence mean to the Christmas story? These travelers were “magi”. They were apparently from Mesopotamia or Persia (present day Iraq) and were “priest-sages, extremely well educated for their day, were specialists in medicine, religion, astronomy, astrology, divination, and magic.” Since these practices were strictly forbidden in the Old Testament (Deut.18:11), what are they doing in one of the most holy events in all of history?!

Their testimony (which created quite a stir in Jerusalem) was that they were looking for “the one who has been born king of the Jews” and had come to “worship him.” Wow! How did they get so right what most of God’s people got so wrong? Since these pagan worshipers were genuinely seeking the Truth, God used what they knew (the stars) to guide them to Him.

As I share the gospel with non-Christians, I frequently encourage them to ask God if my message is true or not. If there is a God who truly cares about people finding Him, then he will reveal truth to genuine seekers. Our job, then, isn’t so much to convince people that Jesus is their savior as it is get them to become seekers like the magi. If the Christmas story is true, then God will bring them to the Truth in his time and his way.

The presence of the Magi reminds us that the gospel is for the whole world. Christ came to preach peace to those who were “far away and peace to those who were near.” And sometimes the furthest, the most unlikely are the ones who find the true peace that Jesus offers.

Merry Christmas!

Forgiveness: Part 4

2006-12-12T10:04:00.001-06:00

“Forgiveness Doesn’t Whitewash Sin”

Even though Joseph knew that God had used his brothers’ sin to do good, Joseph did not disinfect their sin: You meant evil against me; but God meant it for good. Though Joseph came to understand that God had used his tragedies for good, he was under no illusion that his brothers’ actions were anything but evil. When someone has truly abused you it is important that you don’t sanitize their sin: “Oh, that’s no big deal.” You will never be able to forgive until you have analyzed and acknowledged the full scope of your brother’s sin. (Your analysis may determine that the offense wasn’t as great as you thought it was.)

Nor does a whitewash help the sinner--Joseph’s brothers needed God’s forgiveness even more than their brother’s. Walter Wangerin explains: “It may seem saintly for the wounded party to suffer his pain in silence, and it is surely easier to keep the silence than risk opening wounds; but ... it encourages no change in the sinner.” If I mute your sin and say nothing about it, it may prevent you from dealing with your sin before a Holy God. Jesus told me to remove the tree from my eye so that I can help my brother remove the irritating speck from his eye. Without my truthful but gracious words, the speck might remain.

Furthermore, even though Joseph forgave his brothers and invited them to live near him, forgiveness and reconciliation are separate matters. (The games Joseph played with his grain-seeking brothers may have been designed to see whether he could live near them. Had they changed during the past 20 years?) A wife whose husband has been abusive must forgive him. But it may not be wise to let him back into the house--not all abusers should get their jobs back.

It takes wisdom to know when and how reconciliation should be pursued. Otherwise, the forgiver may simply become a doormat.

Forgiveness: Part 3

2006-11-28T10:26:00.000-06:00

“God’s Good Work”

Joseph was enslaved, slandered, imprisoned, and abandoned because of the jealous hatred of his brothers. What had he done to deserve such cruelty? He was merely a spoiled brat who took advantage of his position as Dad's favorite.

But now that his grain-seeking brothers had come to Egypt, he had the opportunity to avenge their wickedness. Joseph eventually chose not to seek revenge. Why not? When Joseph first revealed himself as his brothers' long-lost sibling, three times (Gen.45:4-8) he emphasized God’s baffling control over evil circumstances:

It was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.
God sent me ahead of you to preserve a remnant for you.
It was not you who sent me here, but God.

“God sent me.... God sent me.... God sent me.” Sinful human will combined mysteriously with divine will to save Jacob’s family from a greater tragedy.

Were Joseph’s brothers, then, merely puppets in the hands of an all-powerful God? Were they truly free or under God’s control? The problem is that the Bible doesn’t cast this question in either/or, but in both/and. Man is free and God is in control. How can these both be true? I don’t know. But Joseph could forgive because he saw God bring good from his brothers’ evil.

It may take a long time before we see God’s fingerprints in our suffering. Joseph had no idea why he suffered all those years. But when he watched his brothers bow at his feet, he “remembered his dreams.” What dreams? The dreams of his brothers’ obeisance. (And the dreams his brothers found so offensive.) But now he knew that those dreams had been sent by God. He now knew that God had foreseen these events long ago. He now knew that this whole experience was somehow a part of God’s greater plans.

Many times we must forgive before we discern the good that God will bring from the hurt. Only our faith sustains us, knowing that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” If you were sexually abused as a child, God will bring good out of that evil. If you were ignored by a self-absorbed father, God will bring good out of that evil. If you lost your job because a co-worker spitefully and secretly attacked you, God will bring good out of that evil. If a brother cheated you out of your inheritance, God will bring good out of that evil. We serve a God who is bigger than any sin and who will provide everything we truly need to live a joyously productive Christian life.

Forgiveness: Part 2

2006-11-13T11:33:00.000-06:00

“The Reluctance to Forgive"

When a famine in Canaan became severe, Jacob was forced to send ten of his sons to Egypt to buy life-sustaining grain. (Benjamin, the new favorite, stayed home.) When they arrived, they were given an audience with the architect of Egypt’s surplus of grain. What a twist of fate! The man was none other than their brother, Joseph. When the brothers stood before Joseph, they didn’t recognize an older, Eyptianized Joseph. But Joseph recognized them immediately.

Put yourself in Joseph’s shoes. These are the brothers who conspired to destroy you. Their cruelty was the cause of incredible suffering--sold to slave traders, re-sold to an Egyptian official, falsely accused of rape, imprisoned for that charge, and more. But now your day has come. You have the opportunity and authority to grind these bullies to a pulp. What will you do?

Joseph didn’t seem to know what to do with them so “he pretended to be a stranger and spoke harshly to them.” He accused them of spying and threw them all in prison. Then he released all but Simeon, warning them that Simeon would only be released if they returned with their brother Benjamin. Was Joseph toying with them? punishing them?

The Bible is not like bedtime fairy tales which offer simple problems and simple solutions. Forgiveness for deep hurts is seldom swift or simple—and it wasn’t for Joseph. Why? Because forgiveness often feels like we are letting people get away with something. Joseph didn’t want his brothers “to admit [they] made a mistake, flip an apology in [his] direction like a fifty-cent gratuity, and go on as if [they] had done nothing worse than burping before dessert.”

Like Joseph, we may want others to feel some of our pain:

The wife who bitterly complains to her husband about his work schedule, knowing that her nagging bothers him. She wants him to share the pain that she and the kids experience from his absence.
The sharp-tongued co-worker who hangs on to the dagger of bitterness so that he can stick it into his lazy workmate who won’t carry his load.
A brother who frequently recounts the cruel deeds of an older brother, hoping to embarrass the brother who caused him so much agony as a child.

If we are honest, we often enjoy tormenting those who have tormented us.

Forgiveness: The Only Remedy

2006-10-31T09:05:00.000-06:00

Imagine growing up in a large family--you had eleven brothers. But one of your brothers was Dad’s favorite. On one occasion your joyous Dad came home with a brand new, expensive leather coat for the favorite. But then Dad herded the rest of you to Goodwill to pick out your used, winter coats. Now Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, ... and he made him a richly ornamented robe for him. As a result, you developed ill feelings toward this brother who strutted around the house in his special coat. When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him. Now your brother not only flaunted his possession, but he also boasted about his special position. Listen to this dream I had: We were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it. Your brother’s arrogance created a growing, smoldering anger in you and your siblings. And they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said.

Many of us have been deeply wounded by the sins and insensitivity of others. Some of those painful memories hit us with the “blunt impact of a sledgehammer, with enough force to knock [us] loose from the present.” As a result, we would be willing to trade “almost anything for a magic sponge to wipe just a few moments off the tables of time.”

The only way to remove this “nettle in our memory” is through “a surgical procedure called forgiveness. It is not as though forgiving is the remedy of choice among other options. It is the only remedy.” Over the next several posts I plan to use the story of Joseph and his brothers to discuss forgiveness--the only cure for broken hearts.

As the story of Joseph reveals, the abuses in relationships are seldom one-sided. Dad committed the sin of favoritism (which he learned at his mother’s knee) and the sin of indifference (he made feeble attempts to resolve these conflicts). Joseph sinned by flaunting his role as the favorite. Joseph’s brothers sinned by nursing a hatred of Joseph.

All of this produced a cauldron of animosity and bitterness which boiled over into violence. Joseph, who was the most privileged, became the most abused. Thus, this is primarily a story about how he came to forgive his brothers.

Perfect Kids, Part 2

2006-10-16T11:01:00.000-05:00

Near the end of Jesus’ ministry two of his disciples came to him with an urgent request. But before they made their request they wanted Jesus to pledge that he would grant their request. Now really--how gullible did they think he was?! How would you respond if your child said: "I have something I desperately want. But before I make my request, you have to promise to give it to me." You would laugh into next year. Even so, Jesus asked them what they wanted: “Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory.”

Now put yourself in Jesus’ shoes--you have been with these disciples for 2-3 years, coaching, cajoling, correcting, caring for them. These are the men you chose to carry your eternal message to the ends of the earth. And this childish request came only a few days after Jesus caught the Twelve arguing about who was the greatest among them. Ugh! My response would have been: “You want, what?! Have you learned nothing you bumbling idiots?! How many times have I told you that it is servants who are the greatest in God’s kingdom?!”

But this wasn't Jesus' method. He quietly gathered them around him, gently explaining, again, that this was not how things would be. Though their attitudes were normal among worldly people, he softly and simply reproached them: “Not so with you.” Unfortunately, there is little of this grace in many Christian homes. These parents bark out correction like a hard-nosed CEO: "Cut that out!" "Stop that!" "Don't you ever say that again!” "Can't you ever do anything right?"

Though we obviously can’t abandon standards, we must periodically review those standards. Is it reasonable for

· a 5 year-old to keep his room as spotless as an adult's?
· siblings to always remember to be quiet while the baby sleeps?
· a teen to be home before his curfew 100% of the time?
· a child to never whine about her chores?

Maturity is a slow, snail-like process that needs nurturing.

Faltering kids need gracious and consistent correction. When your exhausted toddler refuses to pick up his toys he may need your help more than he needs a spanking. When a 5 year-old hits his sister because she won’t share her treat, it may be sufficient to remind him that he can’t treat his sister that way. When your angry teen shouts, "You never let me do anything!", the best response may be: "Please change your tone of voice so we can talk about this calmly."

Imperfection is a part of being human. But our response to these imperfections will help or hinder our kids’ progress toward maturity.

"Perfect Kids, Part 1"

2006-10-01T21:37:00.000-05:00

Over ten years ago, I wrote:

Though I have been a Christian for over 20 years, I must confess that there are stubborn sins that tenaciously hang on despite laboring with God to remove them. A few of my many short-comings include:

· My compliments are about as frequent as July snow.
· I forget appointments as I am driving to them!
· I make suggestions sound like commands.
· I groundlessly justify myself when I should simply apologize.

I won't bore you or embarrass you with a total list of my defects, but you get the point. Am I discouraged by my failings? At times. But normally my flaws don’t crush me because I know that imperfection is a part of being human. As the saying goes, no one is perfect.

So with this insight into human nature, what kind of expectations do I have of my three teenage boys? I expect them to ALWAYS remember my instructions. I expect them to speak graciously in ALL circumstances to their brothers. I expect them to ALWAYS be attentive when I speak to them. I expect them NEVER to use their fists to settle an argument. I expect them to NEVER make fun of another child. I expect them to be ALWAYS respectful of me as their father. I expect them to NEVER become angry during a family discussion. And when they fail to meet these "reasonable" standards, I bellow at their infirmities: "I am sick and
tired of you talking to your brother like that. Cut it out!"

Before Cathy and I had children, we read several books about parenting. It didn't sound too difficult--we would be perfect parents; our kids would be perfect children. Right? Wrong! Our expectations crashed into reality. And after nearly 2 decades of parenting, we still frequently LOWER our expectations of our boys. They won't always be respectful. They won't always be gracious. They won't always remember their responsibilities. As I hope others will be patient with my failings, I also need to be patient with my children’s failings.

Surviving Our Troubles: First Responses

2006-09-18T21:28:00.000-05:00

Impatience may be our most defining national trait. We borrow against future income. We run red lights to save 30 seconds. We fret if a church service runs a few minutes late.

But we aren’t alone. The Israelites were impatient to remove the threat of the violent Assyrians. As a result, their diplomats scurried south to make an alliance with the Egyptians, the only other Super Power. But God was not pleased:

"Woe to the obstinate children," declares the Lord,
to those who carry out plans that are not mine,
forming an alliance, but not by my Spirit,
who go down to Egypt without consulting me;
who look for help to Pharaoh's protection,
... but do not look to the Holy One of Israel,
or seek help from the Lord.

Why is my natural response in large and small storms to seek my own counsel first? Why do I wait until the Egyptians disappoint me before I turn to God?

As I was writing this post I became frustrated with how it was being expressed—and then remembered that I had been struggling with words rather than depending on the Word! Amazing--even when I write about dependence I find it difficult to depend.

Rather than rushing to correct a child with a bad attitude, rather than taking the first job offered after being fired, rather than whining to others about how a best friend hurt us, rather than bolting to a new church when a pastor disappoints us, our first response should always be to turn to God.

The great news is that we have a Father who is committed to guiding us down life’s bumpy roads:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. (Prov.3:3,4)

Surviving Our Troubles: “Life’s Imbedded Thorns”

2006-08-28T22:13:00.000-05:00

“Life’s Imbedded Thorns”

You think you have problems, listen to the Apostle Paul’s list: He was imprisoned frequently, stoned ruthlessly, flogged repeatedly, and shipwrecked tragically. He lived always on the edge: “in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers.” This sounds more like the script from an Indiana Jones movie than the life-story of an itinerant gospel preacher!

Unfortunately, many of us expect the Christian life to be a picnic with a few minor irritations like flies in the potato salad or a few bug bites -- we don’t expect a hungry lion lurking in the bushes. But Paul’s life reminds us that life is a battle against an Enemy who “prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

Paul was nearly devoured by his “thorn in the flesh.” When he first received the thorn (a physical ailment?), he called it a “messenger of Satan.” But by the time the thorn had worked its way deep into Paul’s soul, it was something he would “boast” about because it taught him that God’s “grace is sufficient,” that God’s “power is made perfect in weakness.” (II Cor.12:7-10) Why won’t God heal a broken relationship with my sibling? remove my financial struggles? restore my child’s health? Not all of my problems are designed to be wholly solved. These thorny problems remain to keep me humble, dependent on God’s power.

God answered Paul’s prayer for relief from suffering with a resounding “NO!” What was Paul’s agenda? He wanted the thorn promptly removed. What was God’s agenda? To leave it firmly imbedded. He leaves painful barbs in our lives to remind us that life is too much, that we are too weak, that our problems are too overwhelming--if we don’t rely on Him.

The Da Vinci Code: Facts vs. Faith?

2006-07-30T20:50:00.000-05:00

Dan Brown apparently believes that the historical claims made by Christianity are false. His hero, Robert Langdon, explains: “Every faith is based on fabrication. That is the definition of faith -- acceptance of that which we imagine to be true, that which we cannot prove.” Sophie was troubled by this perspective: “My friends who are devout Christians definitely believe that Christ literally walked on water, literally turned water into wine, and was born of a literal virgin birth.” Though Langdon would never accept the literal truth of those events, believing those lies is not necessarily bad: “Living in that reality helps millions of people cope and be better people.”

Near the end of the movie, Langdon expressed a similar perspective. Though he didn’t believe the ancient documents could prove that Jesus was anything other than a great man, he told Sophie that when he nearly drowned as a boy, he prayed to Jesus. Langdon’s advice for Sophie was: “What matters is what you believe.” Even though Jesus is probably dust in some unknown grave in Palestine, praying fervently to him will somehow transform reality and you will receive what you ask for.

Is my belief all that matters? Are the historical claims of Christianity meaningless? Not in the least. The object of our faith is much more critical than our faith. If I were to go to any nearby lake tomorrow and attempt to ice skate across it, it wouldn’t matter how much faith I have, I would get very wet! On the other hand, if I go to any of those lakes in January and attempt the same feat, it doesn’t matter if I am quaking in my skates, the foot of ice on the surface of the lake will carry me across the lake. The object (the ice) is far more important than my faith in getting me across the lake.

Christianity is an historical religion. Without its history, we have next to nothing: “If Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is useless and so is your faith.”

Dan Brown’s treatment of Biblical history denigrates and confuses the faith. Christians believe in a real, risen, reigning Jesus. He alone gives substance and support to our growing faith. Faith in anything else, no matter how deep, will end in disappointment and death.

The Da Vinci Code: Worshiping the Goddess

2006-07-17T10:01:00.001-05:00

The fictional Robert Langdon of Harvard claimed that the church successfully waged “a campaign of propaganda that demonized the sacred feminine, obliterating the goddess from modern religion forever.” (p.124) Why would the church want to banish the goddess? Langdon claimed that the church was threatened by the belief that sex was the means “through which [a person] became spiritually whole.” If worshipers could “commune directly with God”, then this “left the Church out of the loop, undermining their self-proclaimed status as the sole conduit to God.” The church sought to “demonize sex and recast it as a disgusting and sinful act” as a way of holding onto its power over people.

Though at times the church came close to demonizing sex, Brown’s flattering view of these fertility religions is worse. What were these pagan religions really like? Goddess worship presented a sickening combination of sex and violence -- Hollywood was not the first to join these two! The famous archaeologist, W.F. Albright, described this female goddess' thirst for blood: “`With might she hewed down the people of the cities, she smote the folk of the sea-coast, she slew the men of the sunrise.’ After filling her temple (it seems) with men, she barred the gates so that none might escape, after which `she hurled chairs at the youths, tables at the warriors, footstools at the men of might.’ The blood was so deep that she waded in it up to her knees -- nay up to her neck. Under her feet were human heads, above her human hands flew like locusts. In her sensuous delight she decorated herself with suspended heads, while she attached hands to her girdle. Her joy at butchery is described in even more sadistic language: `Her liver swelled with laughter, her heart was full of joy, the liver of Astarte was full of exultation.’ Afterwards she was satisfied and washed her hands in human gore.”

Why does it matter that Langdon has these ancient religions so wrong? Because his benign treatment is used to sell sex as a means of salvation. When Langdon told his students that “sex is natural -- a cherished route to spiritual fulfillment,” a perceptive student asked: “Are you saying that instead of going to chapel, we should have more sex?” This is the natural conclusion to this philosophy. And it is a conclusion that leads to all sorts of sexual and even sadistic perversions since this false god can’t ultimately satisfy. Why not an affair? Why not group sex? Why not combine sex with worship?

But the worship of sex always leads to death. When we forsake the worship of the One True God and worship the gifts he has given us, then we begin a downward spiral toward death and destruction.

The Da Vinci Code: Sex, the Path to God?

2006-06-30T10:08:00.000-05:00

Sophie Neveu’s grandfather, Jacques Suaniere, was the leader of the goddess worship cult which was part of his work as the grand master of the Priory of Scion. As the grand master he participated in a religious ceremony which included having sexual intercourse with one of the female leaders of the cult. Sophie became alienated from her grandfather when she witnessed this strange and terrifying ceremony as a child.

Though the movie does not make this a major issue, the book has many references to the religion of this feminine goddess. Unfortunately, Dan Brown gives a more favorable depiction of these ancient fertility religions than he does of Christianity. For example, he claimed that the “church launched a smear campaign against the pagan gods and goddesses, recasting their divine symbols as evil.” (p.37)

What were these religions like and is Brown’s depiction of them accurate? These pagan fertility cults were found in nearly all ancient cultures. This female goddess of fertility had various names (Asherah, Ishtar, Astarte, Ba’alat, etc.) and was thought to be responsible for the fertility of the land. The idea in these religions was that sex was the means of connecting with and receiving blessing from the goddess. The sex ritual that Sophie’s grandfather participated in was like the ancient practice of “Hieros Gamos” (i.e., “holy marriage”) in which the head priestess had sexual intercourse with the head priest or king. Brown claims that this “holy marriage” was a spiritual act. Historically, intercourse was the act through which male and female experienced God. Physical union with the female remained the sole means through which man could become spiritually complete and ultimately achieve gnosis -- knowledge of the divine. Since the days of Isis, sex rites had been considered man’s only bridge from earth to heaven. (p.308)

Wow! Brown (through the voice of Harvard professor Robert Langdon) apparently believes that these “joyous rites to celebrate fertility and the Goddess” (p.453) are a means of experiencing God. This is sex as salvation. Sex as a god to be worshipped. Sex as the means of escape from this painful world. Lest anyone think this is mere fiction, Brown assured his fans in the Parade Magazine article that the “sacred feminine” ideas were maintained in the movie script.

But were these pagan rites truly joyous? Did those who worshiped the goddess truly experience God? See the next post.

The Da Vinci Code: An Open-minded Pursuit of Truth?

2006-06-21T12:04:00.000-05:00

A recent issue of Parade Magazine reported that Dan Brown hoped the movie about his book, The Da Vinci Code, would be a “quiet invitation to think about faith, religion and history with a fresh, open-minded perspective.” Should we be opened-minded to the possibility that Jesus was married and produced offspring? that Jesus was simply a “mortal prophet”? that nearly everything we have been taught about Jesus is wrong? Certainly! These questions about who Jesus was/is are paramount because of the audacious claims Jesus made about himself. He asserted that he is “the way, the truth and the life” and that “no one comes to the Father except through” him. An open-minded pursuit of the truth about Jesus may be critical in determining where a person spends eternity.

But Dan Brown may not view open-mindedness in the same way that I do. I wonder if his approach isn’t more like G.K. Chesterton’s description of H.G. Wells: “I think he thought the object of opening the mind is simply opening the mind. Whereas, I am incurably convinced we open our minds to shut them on something solid.” Some people are perennial doubters. Their goal seems to be to disbelieve, deride, disparage anything and everything. As a result, they remain lifelong cynics.

In the next few weeks my posts will attempt to unravel some of the claims of The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. Are Brown’s theories valid? What evidence is there to support his claims? Though the truth of Christianity can never be completely proved, there is a wealth of evidence that should enable us to close our minds on something substantial.

2006-06-08T11:24:00.001-05:00

Surviving Our Troubles: Expecting Hardships

How would you like to sign up with two million other travelers for a several-month camping trip through a blistering desert? Oh, and by the way, you will do this without the benefit of modern camping equipment or known food and water sources. Ouch!

God’s people embarked on such a trip after being rescued from the oppressive Egyptians. But a journey that God designed to last about half of a year, became a nightmare that lasted nearly half of a century. During this time, the Israelites were crushed by challenges that were designed to strengthen them.

Why were they staggered by each new hardship? I believe they failed because they believed their hardships were all behind them. They had survived the plagues that devastated Egypt. They had been released from their bondage. They had miraculously crossed the Red Sea. They had seen the dreaded Egyptian army drown in that same sea. And now they were experiencing God’s visible leading in the pillar of fire and the cloud. “Promised land, here we come!”

But their prior troubles were only the birth pangs of trouble. In the desert they predictably ran short of food and water (there were no catering services in the Sinai!). But they also had unexpected problems with their leader (Moses disappeared for 40 days) and with new enemies (e.g., the Amalekites). But whether their adversities could have been anticipated or not, they responded to all of them with robust grumbling and whining. At one point they became so irate and irrational that they contemplated a return to Egypt. (What were they going to do -- re-enlist as slaves?!)

Trouble is as much a part of this life as breathing. Life is filled with financial, relational, emotional, physical, and familial troubles. We think problems are momentary interruptions which will soon pass -- when this conflict at work is resolved or my child’s health improves or I get out of debt then normal, trouble-free living will return. But trouble will dog us throughout this life. Jesus warned us: “In this world you will have trouble.” That’s a promise. Serious conflict in your marriage will be followed by a nagging health problem which will be followed by a layoff from your job which will be followed by a broken relationship with your brother which will be followed by your teen’s poor report card which will be followed by the loss of a best friend ... and on and on.

The Apostle Peter warned his friends: “Do not be surprised at the painful trial your are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.” Problems shouldn’t shock us. They are opportunities to trust God for wisdom and strength to deal with these daily battles.

Surviving Our Troubles, Part 1

2006-05-21T20:38:00.000-05:00

Surviving Our Troubles: “Solution Talk”

One day when Jesus was in Jerusalem for one of the Jewish feasts, he took a side trip to the pool of Bethesda -- a pool that purportedly had healing powers. (Tradition said that on occasion an angel would stir the waters and the first one in the water after that stirring would be healed.) As a result of the pool’s reputation and its covered colonnades, it became a gathering place for a “great number of disabled people -- the blind, the lame, and the paralyzed.”

One of the pool’s patrons was a man who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. Standing over the cripple, Jesus asked him: “Do you want to get well?” Jesus’ question -- which deserved a hearty: “Of course!” -- was answered with a weak complaint: “Sir, I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” This man, who was broken in body and in soul, kept returning to the pool out of habit, not out of hope.

Why did Jesus ask such an obvious question? Because not everyone wants to get well. As I was recently waiting in a doctor’s office, I overheard two women try to top each other’s stories from their medical history -- “Well, I had surgery one time and had to stay in the hospital for 3 months!” I could tell that they both relished telling their painful stories. But were they interested in getting well? I’m not sure.
Why don’t sick people want to get well? Because solving problems is hard work. It is easier to whimper over your friend’s rejection than to forgive her and seek reconciliation. It is easier to moan about your fatigue than to develop an exercise program that will restore your energy. It is easier to commiserate with the complainers than to enlist with the committed. It is easier to discard a dying marriage than to learn how to love again. It is easier to stay depressed than to change the thought patterns that feed your sadness. It is easier to criticize the ministries of your church than to join one of those ministries and try to make a difference.

Psychologist and author Mary Pypher’s counseling philosophy is based on “solution talk” rather than “problem talk.” The person who wants to get well is the person who fixes his eyes on solutions: “Lord how should I view this situation differently? What actions can I take to begin solving this problem? Don't let me merely fuss or fret. Show me how to survive this ordeal.”

Stepford Wives

2006-05-04T08:50:00.000-05:00

Claire (played by Glenn Close) was a brilliant scientist who murdered her husband and his girlfriend when she caught them in bed together. Horrified by the ugliness of her deed and the world around her, she asked: “What could I do to make the world more beautiful?” Her answer was to turn her dead husband into a robot who then recruited other men who wanted “perfect” wives. Claire believed most women were “over-stressed, over-booked and under-loved” and wanted a “better world where men are men and women are loved and cherished.”

Who wouldn’t want a little less chaos in their world? a trouble-free marriage? a safe world for children? an end to drunken drivers? Claire’s husband, Mike, explained to Joanna (Nicole Kidman) and her husband, Walter (Matthew Broderick) the benefits of scientific engineering: “If you could streamline your partner, if you could overhaul every annoying habit and every physical flaw, every moment of whining and nagging and farting in bed, just imagine being able to enjoy your mate only at their best.” Sounds appealing, doesn’t it?

But what kind of world would that be? If Stepford is any indication, it is not an appealing world. When Walter was tempted by the appeal of the perfect wife, Joanna asked him: “Is this what you really want? women who behave like slaves?” And then she asked: “These machines, these Stepford wives, can they say “I love you”? When informed that they could say it in 58 languages, Joanna, with pleading eyes, asked Walter: “But do they mean it?” She then planted a passionate kiss on her husband’s lips.

Walter ultimately chose to give his wife her freedom -- believing that a free, though imperfect love, was far-superior to the counterfeit, coerced love of a computer-chip wife.

God had a similar choice to make. He could have created a “Stepford” world where there are no victims or violence, arguing or apathy, criticism or coldness. Instead, He created a world where the pots can complain to the potter, where “the sculptures can spit at the sculptor.” Like Walter, God didn’t want robotic perfection.

William Thompson imagined the questions God pondered while creating us: “What if I veil My Divinity so that the creatures [won’t be] overwhelmed by My overpowering Presence? Will the creatures love Me? Can I be loved by creatures I have not programmed to adore me forever? Can love arise out of freedom?” God, like Walter, took the risk of freedom. He knew that force would never produce love. Our God delights in the passionate embrace of free human beings.

Marital Building Blocks, Part 5

2006-04-18T09:33:00.000-05:00

God shouts: “Get naked!” to marriage partners -- “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” At times, this involves the shedding of clothes, but even more the shedding of pretense. This disrobing of our identities can be difficult in the early years of marriage because courtship is often an elaborate game of Hide-and-Seek. If I am trying to win your love, I may apply some makeup to my uglier traits.

Fortunately for us hiders, marriage is designed to strip our masquerades. Mike Mason explains: “One of the hardest things in marriage is the feeling of being watched.” This “constant surveillance ... can wear one down like a bright light shining in the eyes, and that leads inevitably to the crumbling of all defenses, all the customary shams and masquerades of the personality.” Our attempts to hide from each other are about as feeble as a child holding his hands over his eyes and proclaiming: “You can’t find me!”

When our family bought our first hand-held computer game, I became quickly, though unknowingly, addicted. One day I was sitting in the living room chair when Cathy left the house to run some errands. I was so immersed in the game that I lost track of time. When I heard her returning, I glanced at my watch and realized that I had been playing the game for nearly two hours! Of course I didn’t want my wife to see me still playing the game so I quickly stuffed it under my chair and grabbed a book. As I sat there, a stabbing question penetrated my charade: “What are you doing, you big phony?!”

During the early years of my marriage I was asked by friends if I was surprised by what I learned about Cathy. I responded: “Yes, but not nearly as surprised as what I learned about myself.” It is in the everyday interactions of marriage that we see our true selves. Our mates “are mirrors in which we are constrained to see ourselves, not as we would like to be, but as we are.”

It is distressing to have our sins uncovered. Sadly, many people run from one mirror to another not realizing that they are running from themselves as much as they are running from their spouse. God alone can give us the unlikely desire to know the truth about ourselves. And how does he “slip us this bitter pill? Fortunately, the pill is lavishly coated with the mystery we call love” -- which alone “can shield us from the horror or knowing what we are really like.”

Marital Building Blocks, Part 4

2006-03-27T08:39:00.000-06:00

There is one word that is conspicuously left out of God’s marriage manual (Genesis 1-3). It is the word “love.” Instead, couples are commanded to “cleave” (NIV: “be united”) to each other. When two marry, they are called to stick together. They are to form a bond that will endure through sickness and in health. It is this "til-death-do-us-part" commitment, rather than romantic feelings of love, that creates the one-flesh unity: "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh."

Feelings of love wax and wane. As Mike Mason has written, emotional love won't sustain a marriage for very long: Marriages which are dependent on love fall apart, or at best are in for a stormy time of it. But marriages which consistently look back to their vows, to those wild promises made before God, find a continual source of strength and renewal. It is not passion that stirs me out of a warm bed on a winter night to tend to a sick grandchild while my exhausted wife catches up on sleep. Nor is it passion which motivates me to pay bills or change a dirty diaper (yuk!) or vacuum the house. I do these acts ungrudgingly (or at least I try to do them ungrudgingly!) because I have made a commitment to serve my mate.

But this one flesh relationship does not mean that we don’t need others. Carole Mayhall warns: I have seen too many wives try to force their husbands to meet their every need--a feat no human can do--and in the forcing have destroyed what could have been a beautiful relationship. Both husbands and wives need a variety of relationships to become whole people. No person can meet our every need.

If I am called to meet the needs of my spouse, what are those needs? Wisdom demands that I make her needs a subject of scrutiny. Through the years I have learned that she does not handle the pressure of an impending trip very well with all its extra errands, laundry, and packing added to her normal responsibilities. As a result, she can become a bit irritable. So what does God ask me to do? To stick with her in her grumpiness -- to help with some of her errands, to cut back on my schedule, to not snap back when I become irritated with her irritation!

Cleaving then is a commitment. It is a promise to love and serve your partner whether he becomes bitter or fat or unemployed or argumentative or boring or inattentive or jealous or selfish or ugly or lazy or insensitive or greedy or sickly. We have taken vows before God to love our deeply flawed mates for life. May God give us the grace and the strength to just that.

Marital Building Blocks, Part 3

2006-03-13T08:30:00.000-06:00

Thomas Jefferson, the third President of the United States, lost his wife when his daughters were young and never remarried. He apparently transferred the emotional bond with his wife to his daughters, becoming very dependent on their devotion. On one occasion a lonely Jefferson wrote to Martha: “I am chilled by my solitude. It makes me wish the more that you and your sister were here to enjoy it. I value the enjoyments of life only in proportion as you participate them with me.” His possessive love was apparently reciprocated. After Martha had been married for nearly a decade she wrote to her father that no “new ties can weaken the first and best of nature.” No wonder Martha’s husband had severe mental problems. He was in competition with his father-in-law for the love of his wife.

God knew that the transition from our biological families to our created families would not be easy. So Genesis guides us in this process: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” One of the very first challenges for newly-weds is to “leave” their birth families. But what does this mean? Mike Mason explains that “marriage is not a joining of two worlds, but an abandoning of two worlds in order that one new one might be formed.” The birth family must no longer be the primary source of affection or advice or aid.

I distinctly remember the first time I became ill after Cathy and I were married. Do you know who I wanted to comfort me? You guessed it. I wanted Mom! She was the one who had nursed me for 20 years. When I was home sick, she would bake me chocolate chip cookies and change my sheets each day and say all the appropriate words: “Oh, I’m sure you feel awful, honey.” Cathy had not had any practice in taking care of a sick person. After a day or two of being sick, her attitude was something like: “Don’t you feel better yet?” We are thankful that we lived nearly 1000 miles from our parents so that we were forced to learn how to care for each other “in sickness and in health.”

Even when the kids have a proper perspective, the parents may try to hang onto their former roles. Parents may be too pushy in telling their kids what jobs to take or how to invest their money or how to discipline their children. I know a young couple whose mother was continually critiquing her married daughter’s large and small choices -- “You’re not going to buy a dog, are you?! That would be foolish since you both work fulltime.” After repeated violations, this young woman’s wise husband went to his mother-in-law and explained as graciously as possible: “You can’t talk to my wife that way.”

Does this mean that parents can’t help their children financially? can’t offer advice? can’t live nearby? Not at all. But they must give them enough space so that they can become their own family, making their own choices.

Marital Building Blocks, Part 2

2006-02-20T09:06:00.000-06:00

It is often said that in choosing a mate, “opposites attract.” Sometimes these personality differences can be profound:

Some love cluttered, knick-knacky rooms, while others need bare simplicity. Some people compulsively plan the future, while others take full pleasure in the present. Some must eat lightly but regularly throughout the day, while others eat according to appetite, irregularly. Some crave silence and find it necessary for intimacy, while others have to talk. Some hold to old customs and practices, cherishing pictures, memories, and family re-unions, while others ditch the pat joyfully to risk some new, uncertain thing. (Walter Wangerin)

God said he would create a helper “suitable” for Adam. The Hebrew word for “suitable” means literally “corresponding to.” God’s plan is that these differences compliment, rather than compete against, each other.

I was attracted to Cathy not only because she was cute and confident, but also because she was conscientious. I could always depend on her to be on time, to carry out her responsibilities, to fulfill a promise. On the other hand, Cathy was attracted to me because I am more spontaneous -- after all if you focus too much on being responsible you might miss out on some fun. Why would anyone want to study on the first warm, wind-free day of spring?!

The challenge for couples with these sometimes gaping differences is to learn “to play a duet in the same key, to the same rhythm.” God puts opposites together so that each will learn from the other’s strengths. Cathy had to learn that deadlines are often less important than spending time with a friend, that a tidy house was a lesser priority than a developing child. I had to learn that I couldn’t be responsible without lists and schedules and calendars.

But the lessons aren’t learned easily and the failure to adjust to these differences can erode a marriage. Before we were married, I was impressed and attracted by Cathy’s ability to get things done. But I didn't realize that once we were married she would make me one of her projects -- now she wanted me to get places on time! And Cathy didn’t realize that my spontaneity could devolve into irresponsibility -- household repairs might be placed on indefinite delay. In a good marriage there is a continual process of learning how to profit from each others strengths while not being bankrupted by their weaknesses.

Marital Building Blocks, Part 1

2006-02-09T13:23:00.000-06:00

"We-just-don't-love-each-other-anymore" is the most common excuse for ending a marriage. But is a lack of love the primary reason for today's fragile state of marriage? I don’t think so. When God introduced the idea of marriage in Genesis, the word “love” was as scarce as clothes were. There were other ideas which formed the building blocks for a healthy marriage.

First, marriage is designed for companionship. At the conclusion of each day of creation, God wrote an epitaph: “And God saw that it was good. . . . And God saw that is was good. . . . And God saw that it was good.” But even before Adam and Eve’s rebellion, God declared that something was not good: “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Though Adam enjoyed intimate fellowship with his Creator in a perfect environment, he was still incomplete. God created us to be social beings who need other people. Marriage is probably our best opportunity to enjoy this companionship.

When Cathy and I were dating we were together constantly -- meeting between classes, sharing meals, attending sporting events, taking long walks, joining a campus Bible study, participating in retreats, etc. Unfortunately, as author Mike Mason points out, most married couples don’t maintain anything close to this type of commitment. Instead, “great amounts of energy are channeled into other concerns, into friendships and social life, into careers, into the raising of offspring, into every conceivable cause except the cause of marriage itself.”

A husband works at an insurance agency while his wife teaches at a public grade school. He hunts and fishes with his buddies while she participates in a book club with her girlfriends. He serves on the finance committee at church while she teaches a girls’ Sunday School class. With such disjointed lives many of these couples drift apart.

Knowing that relationship building demands chunks of time, God gave the following instructions to new husbands: “If a man has married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to his wife.” (Deut.24:5) If marriages are going to be strong and help fulfill our great need for companionship, then husbands and wives must lavish time on each other in significant ways. Cathy and I have attempted to do this by sharing housework and yard work, reading books to each other, ministering to some of the same people, riding bikes together, entertaining in our home, nurturing our grandchildren.

New Format

2006-01-31T12:15:00.000-06:00

I am in the process of making some changes on this blog. I will send more information within a week or two.

2006-01-03T11:29:00.000-06:00

Leadership, Part 6

Ephesus was apparently filled with wanna-be leaders. But many of them wanted to use their authority to bully others. Committed to “myths”, they had departed from the “sound instruction of our Lord Jesus Christ,” and become “conceited.” In spite of their inflated view of themselves, Paul’s measure of them was that “they do not know what they are talking about or what they so confidently affirm.”

These counterfeit leaders were a serious threat to the health of the church. Because of “an unhealthy interest in controversies and arguments,” they left a messy trail of “envy, quarreling, malicious talk, evil suspicions and constant friction”. Paul summed up their influence: “they promote controversies rather than God’s work.” It was such men that caused Paul to state that a leader must not be “quarrelsome.” Unfortunately, these troublemakers are found in most churches. They care more about promoting their own will rather than God’s will. It doesn’t occur to them that God could speak through anyone else. If you work on a ministry team with them, they will relentlessly argue for their position, even secretly lobbying others outside of the meetings. They believe they are in combat with others -- and they aim not to lose! If they don’t get their way, they criticize, whine, and complain about what is happening -- or what is not happening.

The temptation for a godly leader is to battle these phonies with the same weapons they use. But Paul warned: "Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. The Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to all, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth." The godly doesn't get dragged into these senseless and harmful arguments but continues to "gently instruct" others in the truth. He knows that God is the only one who can bring these troublemakers to repentance.

Cancel Christmas?!

2005-12-23T17:03:00.000-06:00

There is a fascinating discussion taking place among Christians about the choice of several churches to cancel their Christmas Day services. There have been articles in the secular (The Chicago Tribune & The Lexington Herald Leader) and Christian press (Christianity Today's Weblog). The discussion deals directly with the issue of Christian freedom.

Why did these churches cancel the service? One spokeswoman for Willow Creek Church in the Chicago area said: "It's being lifestyle-friendly for people who are just very, very busy." Another Willow Creek staff member explained that they "see it as not having church on Christmas. We see it as decentralizing the church on Christmas -- hundreds of thousands of experiences going on around Christmas trees. The best way to honor the birth of Jesus is for families to have a more personal experience on that day." But if it is good to have "a more personal experience" then "why not decentralize the church every week?" Similarly, Fuller Seminary professor, Robert Johnston, didn't like the emphasis on individual family worship: "What's going on here is a redefinition of Christmas as a time of family celebration rather than as a time of the community faithful celebrating the birth of the Savior. There is a risk that we will lose one more of our Christian rituals, one that's at the heart of our faith."

But is Christmas day worship “at the heart of our faith”? Willow Creek says that they haven’t had a Christmas Day service since the last time Christmas fell on a Sunday -- and that one service was poorly attended. Willow Creek estimated that they would have about 50,000 worshipers at various services the week preceding Christmas. And they produced and distributed a Christmas DVD that people could play in their homes.

What does Scripture say? In Romans 14 Paul wrote: "One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers everyday alike." (v.5) Paul defined this issue as a “disputable matter,” thus giving a Christian the freedom to view certain days as sacred or not. (The Catholic Church does not give its worshipers this kind of freedom. A Catholic priest explained that Christmas day is "a holy day of obligation, which means for the faithful, Mass attendance is required.") All that is required is that each person “should be fully convinced in his own mind” about his viewpoint. God is more concerned that I live my life “to the Lord” -- that I am conscious of Him in all that I do -- than what day I worship.

It seems, then, that we have the freedom to view Christmas Day as a special day of worship or not. Different churches and different individuals within these churches, will come to different conclusions as they look to God for direction. The key is that whatever we do, we do it with our hearts and minds on the incredible condescension that God accomplished in Bethlehem’s stable: “And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord shone around them and they were terrified. But the angel said to them: “Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in strips of cloth and lying in a manger.” Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying: `Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.’”

Leadership, Part 5

2005-12-12T20:57:00.000-06:00

How can a person rule others if he can’t rule himself? Paul’s next character trait for a leader is that he must be “self-controlled.” This is a disciplined person. He schedules regular time with God. He watches only the second half of a football game so he can help his wife with housework. He limits his spending so that he won’t have to work overtime to pay for his toys. He is able to decline an offer to golf with his buddies because Saturday morning is the best time to be with his kids.

It is easier to describe what a disciplined person looks like than how he becomes disciplined. Paul told the Corinthians: “I beat my body and I make it my slave so that ... I will not be disqualified for the prize.” The disciplined person is able to set aside immediate gratification for future rewards -- the athlete labors for a trophy, the Christian for “a crown that will last forever.” Paul made his body subservient to a higher purpose -- to preach the gospel. He was motivated by eternity.

“Lord, I know that fellowship with you is the only way I will develop an eternal perspective.”
“Lord, the results of this football game will be insignificant in light of eternity. You have called me to love my wife and she needs my help today.”
“Lord, I know that the toys I am tempted to buy will not make me happy. Only you can bring true joy.”
“Lord, I know that no one in heaven will ask about my golf handicap. But you will ask about my faithfulness in teaching my children -- who will live forever.”

Leadership, Part 4

2005-12-05T19:13:00.000-06:00

Paul’s lengthy list of qualifications for leadership in I Timothy provides a glimpse into the essential traits required of a Christian leader. Though no one (except Jesus) perfectly mirrors these qualifications, they provide an ideal to measure progress toward maturity.

In my last post I talked about temperance as one of the critical traits. Paul also explained that a leader must be “above reproach” and “respectable.” John Stott believes these words point toward a leader’s public performance -- it “has to do with irreproachable observable conduct.” This type of person would “have a good reputation with outsiders.”

I recently read a biography of a well-known Christian coach. Though this man was highly thought of the Christian community, few of his players respected him. They thought that his coaching didn’t match his faith. They said he was heartless with correction. He appeared indifferent when players were hurting. He was callous when cutting players. He didn’t maintain any relationship with former players. Didn’t Jesus say that love is the essential mark of a Christian? Didn’t Paul say that if I don’t have love “I am nothing”? This coach justified his actions by stating that he didn’t want to get too close to his players because he was afraid it would prejudice his difficult choices. That’s like saying I don’t want to get to close to my kids because it my effect my ability to discipline them. This is nonsense. Love certainly effects our judgment -- but usually for the better.

If I want to be a godly leader, it isn’t just my life at church that must be above reproach. I must ask myself: How do I react to a hard foul during pick-up basketball? How do I treat a waitress who can’t get my order right? How do I speak about my political opponents? How do I respond to a grouchy neighbor who complains about the noise my grandkids are making? “Father, I want all of my words and ways to bring honor to you.”

Leadership, Part 3

2005-11-29T15:02:00.000-06:00

The Christian Temperance Union was highly intemperate. As C.S. Lewis has rightly pointed out, to be temperate means “going the right length and no further.” The Temperance Union when far beyond the dictates of Scripture, defining temperance as abstaining. The Apostle Paul explained a Christian leader is “not given to drunkenness.” He did not say, “not given to drink.” In fact, he even advised his spiritual son, Timothy, to “use a little wine” for his frequent illnesses.

But temperance is not just about drinking alcohol. We turned down my dad’s offer to pay for satellite T.V. because I would probably become intemperate in watching televised sports -- especially in the winter. Must I abstain from watching televised sports to avoid sin? Not if the watching is kept within proper bounds. A person who is spiritually mature can enjoy God’s good gifts without letting them control him. But if televised sports controls my mind or hinders my studies or distracts me from fathering, then I am being intemperate. A person can be intemperate in innumerable ways: “A man who makes his golf or his [motorcycle] the centre of his life or a woman who devotes all her thought to clothes or bridge or her dog, is being just as “intemperate” as someone who gets drunk every evening.”

Though some addictions -- addicts are created by intemperance -- are judged more leniently by Christians, God isn’t fooled: “[Drunkenness] does not show on the outside so easily; bridge-mania or golf-mania do not make you fall down in the middle of the road. But God isn’t deceived by externals.”

Leadership, Part 2

2005-11-21T09:17:00.000-06:00

In I Tim.2 Paul begins a lengthy section on male leadership. (This doesn’t mean that women can’t be leaders. There are simply differences in where and how that leadership is expressed.) But how should this male leadership be exercised? “I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing.” (I Tim.2:8) Paul said that the proper expression of leadership begins with prayer.

What normally happens when there are conflicts? Paul explained that we are to pray “without anger or disputing” because he knew our tendencies in conflict. Letting our anger flare and jumping into the fray, we try to persuade, argue, explain, justify. We want it our way and we want it now!

“Stop teasing your brother!”
“Can’t we have a little peace and quiet around here?!”
“No, I was not upset! What makes you think I was upset?!”
"Can't you handle a little correction?"

Biblical leadership is not heavy on commands or demands. It is heavy on service. And what better way to serve others than by praying for them?

Throughout his earthly ministry Jesus put an emphasis on prayer (Mk.1:35-39) -- he even thought it more important than sleep! (Ouch! It is painful to reflect on how important sleep is to me.) Prayer was also a higher priority than ministry or other’s agendas.

Our world desperately needs men whose first response to conflict is to lift their hearts to God’s throne, releasing their attempts to control situations and seeking God’s guidance and strength. “Lord, help me to see this conflict as you do. Help me see my own role in this conflict accurately. Help me not to become defensive. Help me not look for excuses. Help me not to act before I have heard from you and given you time to work.”

Developing Leaders, I Timothy 1

2005-11-10T10:13:00.000-06:00

Leadership is a hot, if not new, topic. Nearly 2000 years ago the apostle Paul was concerned about developing leaders to help him preach the gospel. Paul’s short letters to one of these recruits, Timothy, gives us a glimpse into the nature of mature Christian leadership and how it develops.

Paul’s impact as developer of leaders was based on the depth of his relationship to his recruits. Timothy -- who had a Christian mother but a pagan father -- was called Paul’s “true son in the faith.” (1:3) Like all boys, Timothy probably longed for a biological father who would have led and guided him into the truth. But Paul became his spiritual father. Though Timothy struggled at times with fulfilling his ministry (he withdrew when he experienced rejection), Paul seldom blasted him. Even when he disappointed Paul, Paul told his son that he “longed to see him.”

Not long ago I was having a conversation with a man who has been in Bible studies of mine for the past 15-20 years. He thanked me for my input in his life but then added: “I wish we had had more time together.” I know what he was asking for. He wanted more lunches or an occasional walk or an afternoon of fishing -- time to enjoy being together which would include a more leisurely pace to our conversations. Some issues can’t be discussed in a thirty minute appointment. Paul had this kind of casual time with Timothy as they traveled from city to city establishing and encouraging new churches.

Virginia Stem Owens has written that when parents talk about having “quality” time with their kids, they are often hoping that they can “dehydrate life to avoid the dull spots.” Her point is that it is in those “dull spots” that we find some of the best opportunities to pass on our values to our kids -- driving in a car together, watching a movie, working in the yard. If we want to influence those we are leading, we must plan chunks of unstructured time with them.

Confession

2005-11-06T09:38:00.000-06:00

As you have recognized I haven't updated this for the past two weeks. Three weeks ago my dad broke his hip and last week my wife broke her foot. I'm working on a new series on leadership -- I'll have a new post in a few days. Thanks for your patience.