Marriage, Part 10

"Naked and No Shame"

God shouts, “Get naked!” -- “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” At times this nakedness involves the shedding of our clothes, but even more, the shedding of our false identities. This disrobing can be difficult in the early years of marriage because courtship is often an elaborate game of Hide-and-Seek. If I am trying to win your love, I may apply some makeup to my blemishes!

This stripping of our masquerades is a good, though often painful, task. Mike Mason explains: “One of the hardest things in marriage is the feeling of being watched.” This “constant surveillance can wear one down like a bright light shining in the eyes, which leads inevitably to the crumbling of all our defenses, all our customary shams and masquerades of the personality.” Our attempts to hide from each other are about as feeble as a child holding his hands over his eyes and proclaiming: “You can’t find me!”
 
Other relationships are not as revealing. In a friendship you can go home, move to another city, avoid certain places. But in a marriage it is nearly impossible to hide physically or psychically. “We may feel like we are boxed into an interrogation room--hot, cramped, without food, until we break down and confess our deepest secrets.” We may want “to do anything to get out of the box.” ( Mason)
 
When I purchased my first hand-held computer game, I became quickly, though unknowingly, addicted. One day I was sitting in our living room as Cathy left the house to run some errands. I was so immersed in the game that I lost track of time—imagine that! When I heard her returning, I glanced at my watch and realized that I had been playing the game for nearly two hours! Of course I didn’t want my wife to see me still playing the game so I quickly stuffed it under my chair and grabbed a book. As I sat there, a stabbing question penetrated my charade: “What are you doing, you big phony?!”

During the early years of my marriage I was asked by friends if I was surprised by what I learned about Cathy that I hadn't known before we were married. I said: “Yes, but not nearly as surprised as what I learned about myself.” It is in the everyday interactions of marriage that we see our true selves. Our mates “are mirrors in which we are constrained to see ourselves, not as we would like to be, but as we are.” Sadly, many people run from one mirror to another, not realizing that they are running from themselves as much as they are running from their spouse.

Marriage: Part 9

Reviving a Broken Marriage 

In the world’s first wedding sermon, God listed the key ingredients in a successful marriage: "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh." When two marry, they are called to form a bond that will endure through the good times and the bad times. It is a "til-death-do-us-part" commitment, rather than romantic feelings that creates an enduring unity.  

The problem with feelings is that they are not always trustworthy. Jane in Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte) fell in love with Mr. Rochester. But there was a problem. Her wealthy lover was still married to a mentally ill women who lived in an upper room in his mansion. Rochester invited Jane to move into his home and live as his mistress. Though her heart screamed “Yes”, she turned him down. She explained: “I will keep the law given by God. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad—as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against the law’s [inflexibility].” Jane turned from her deceptive desires and turned toward God’s truth.

Jane’s choice provides a powerful picture of cleaving. Cleaving  is a promise to love and serve your partner whether he becomes bitter or fat or unemployed or argumentative or boring or inattentive or jealous or selfish or ugly or lazy or insensitive or greedy or sickly. You have promised before God and friends to love your deeply flawed mate for life.
 

Whenever my wife stumbles, I feel no great desire to compose a love poem to her! It is my commitment, not some romantic feelings, that prods me to keep loving her even when I have negative feelings toward her. May God give me the grace and the strength to do just that.

 

Marriage, Part 8

REVIVING A BROKEN MARRIAGE

  

Why are so many marriages floundering? Many break down because couples hold “the faulty idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on being in love for ever. And when they find they are not, they think they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change.” (Keller)

But expecting the “in love” state to last more than a few years is hazardous. Think about it . . . “What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?” Marital love must change, must mature if it is to survive.

A mature, marital love certainly includes romantic feelings. C.S. Lewis explains how a warm, marital love can be maintained: “Do not waste time bothering whether you love your [spouse]; act as if you did.” His point? You don’t have to feel love to give love.

If your passion for your mate has cooled, that is O.K. Act like you do have those feelings—buy her flowers; give her a night off from the kids so she can enjoy dinner with her girlfriends; hire a sitter so the two of you can enjoy an overnight at a local hotel; fix that broken faucet that she has been grumbling about. Your deeds of love will eventually transform your feelings of love—and probably your mate’s as well!

We will never revive our broken marriages without God’s help. He has promised that if we “seek first his kingdom”, he will see that our other needs are met. Keller explains the impact of right and wrong priorities: ”When you seek happiness more than you seek Me, you will get neither.” But “when you seek me more than happiness you will get both.” The one who seeks God first, will find reserves when his marriage hits the inevitable rough spots.

Marriage, Part 7

Those Marvelous, Maddening Differences

Cathy lives by lists--grocery lists, shopping lists, ap­pointment lists, phone lists, household repair lists. I make a list once or twice a year and then quickly misplace it. Cathy is punctual, while I could show up 30 minutes late for a meeting with the President of the United States. Cathy is cold-natured, but I sweat at twenty below. Cathy relishes social gather­ings; I prefer solitude. Cathy enjoys the anticipation of planned events; I like spontaneity.

So, did I marry the wrong woman? Should I have found someone more like myself? No! No! No! Our profound differences are God-designed because marriage's intent is to compliment or complete individuals. The old adage that opposites attract is not only spot-on, it is also Biblical. After God created Adam he announced: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." The Hebrew word translated "suitable", literally means "corresponding to". Cathy has strengths where I have weaknesses; and I have strengths where she is weak.

Early in our marriage Cathy and I were leaving on a long trip. I carried our baggage to the car and began packing the trunk. When the trunk was full, I stuffed the remaining items in the back seat. When Cathy saw my work, she pulled everything out and repacked the car. When she was finished, everything fit into the trunk--with room to spare. My first response was anger--how dare she show me up like that! But once I realized that the ability to pack a trunk was not the measure of my manhood(!), I gladly relinquished the task to her. Her organizational abili­ties have been a tremendous blessing to me.

But all is not fun and games, These differences can become a breeding ground for conflict. He thinks the best vacation is a camping and fishing trip. She prefers a luxury suite at the Radisson. He comes from a family that barely noticed birthdays. Her family treated each birthday like a Bi-Centennial celebration!

What is God up to when he joins two dissimilar people? He is sharpening dull axes—and this grinding creates sparks! When I forget that punctuality is important to Cathy and make her unnecessarily late, I come face to face with my own selfishness. “Help me, Lord, submit to and grow from this sharpening process.”

What Is the Purpose for Marriage?

Marriage, Part 6

 

When I was in 3^rd or 4^th grade love began to creep in along the edges of my life.

Scene #1: I am playing basketball in my driveway with my friends while 3-4 girls try to sneak up on us. We are not unaware of their covert actions, so we purposely let the basketball roll down the hill toward them so we can chase them.

Scene #2: I am now in sixth grade enjoying my first “date”—taking a girl to the county fair. Unfortunately, I run out of money. But fortunately, my date has money to loan. Hallelujah! I win a large stuffed bear. But what do I do with the bear that was won with my date’s money? The only logical choice—I take it home and give it to my 3 year old brother!

Scene #3: I am now a freshman in college and serenading the girl who will eventually become my wife. I do this because she says it is the only way she will go out with me on both weekend nights.

What is this love that I was chasing? The Apostle Paul explains that love is more action than feeling: “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy." Paul taught that the essence of marriage is a sacrificial commitment to the good of the other. And what can be better than helping your mate become holy?

Time is an essential ingredient in this pursuit of holiness. Though some time can be spent on light activities—attending a movie or a child’s sporting event--don't neglect the more substantial tasks:

·        Spend some of your coming vacation reading aloud a Christian biography.

·         Attend your church’s family camp. (Don’t let your summer be hijacked by your kids’ athletic coaches!)  

·         Join a couples’ Sunday School class or a home Bible study.

·         Work together as volunteers in a local charity.

·         Develop a prayer list for the issues that your spouse faces.

A deeper oneness develops when two people journey together toward the goal of spiritual maturity, supporting each other through “the dangers and challenges along the way.”  My goal as a husband should be “to sanctify her”, to help her become “holy and blameless”, to work toward the removal of “all spiritual stains, flaws, sins, and blemishes.” (Tim Keller)

Leaving Your Parents

Marriage, Part 5: 

The first time I became ill after Cathy and I were married, can you guess who I wanted to comfort me? Yup. I wanted Mom! She was the one who had nursed me, and nursed me well, for 20 years. When I was home sick, she would bake chocolate chip cookies and change my sheets frequently and say all the appropriate words: “Oh, I’m sure you feel awful, honey.” On the other hand, Cathy had not had any practice in taking care of a sick person. After a day or two of being sick, her attitude was something like: “Don’t you feel better yet?” Today we are thankful that we lived nearly 1000 miles from our parents so that we were forced to learn how to care for each other “in sickness and in health.”

 

Our experience was not unusual. One of the first challenges for newly-weds is to “leave” their birth families: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Gen.2:24,25.  

Even when the newlyweds have a healthy perspective on their biological family, some parents still try to hang onto their former roles. One mother who had habitually critiqued her daughter's choices, didn't change after the wedding -- “You’re not going to buy a dog, are you?! That would be foolish since you both work fulltime.” After observing a pattern of inappropriate advice, this young woman’s wise husband gently talked with his mother-in-law about new boundaries between Mom and her daughter.

Does this mean that parents can’t help their children financially? can’t offer advice? can’t live nearby? Not at all. But parents must give the couple enough space so that they can become their own family, making their own choices, making their own mistakes. 

President Thomas Jefferson lost his wife when his daughters were young and never remarried. He apparently transferred the emotional bond with his wife to his married daughters. On one occasion a lonely Jefferson wrote to Martha: “I am chilled by my solitude. It makes me wish the more that you and your sister were here to enjoy it. I value the enjoyments of life only in proportion as you participate in them with me.” His possessive love was apparently reciprocated. After Martha had been married for nearly a decade she wrote to her father that no “new ties can weaken the first and best of nature.” No wonder Martha’s husband had severe mental problems! He was in competition with his father-in-law for the love of his wife.

Marriage, Part 4

"Marriage Is (Almost) Impossible"

Marriage is difficult. And it becomes almost impossible if we expect it to be easy. A friend of mine was in a conversation about marriage with a man in a deeply troubled marriage. This Christian man asked my friend, “I thought God wouldn’t give me more than I can handle?” My friend wisely replied, “I hate to disagree, but I think that is exactly what God does. He gives us more than we can handle so that we will learn how to depend on Him rather than ourselves.”

The best thing you can do for your marriage is to learn how to get your life, your strength, your perspective from God. In Tim Keller’s words, we have to “know where the filling station is, and even more important, that it exists. Marriage is part of God’s design to lead us where we are out of our depths, where we know that unless God works, we will drown.”

Our task is NOT to burden our mates with the job of fixing us. I am convinced that our marriage didn’t drown because Cathy and I didn’t expect too much from each other. We knew that God was the only one capable of fixing what was/is broken in each of us. When we let God fill us up, “we have enough love “in the bank” to be generous to each other when we aren’t getting much kindness at the moment.”  

Did you marry a wounded person? someone who was abused by a parent? someone bullied and rejected by his classmates? Be careful about the type and amount of support that you give them. Henry Cloud claims that often these damaged people need LESS encouragement: Telling your troubled spouse “to try harder is one of the worst things you could possibly do. The best thing you can do is to discourage him from believing he can do it on his own.” We want troubled people to give up on themselves so they can depend on God instead.