Marital Building Blocks, Part 2

It is often said that in choosing a mate, “opposites attract.” Sometimes these personality differences can be profound:

Some love cluttered, knick-knacky rooms, while others need bare simplicity. Some people compulsively plan the future, while others take full pleasure in the present. Some must eat lightly but regularly throughout the day, while others eat according to appetite, irregularly. Some crave silence and find it necessary for intimacy, while others have to talk. Some hold to old customs and practices, cherishing pictures, memories, and family re-unions, while others ditch the pat joyfully to risk some new, uncertain thing. (Walter Wangerin)

God said he would create a helper “suitable” for Adam. The Hebrew word for “suitable” means literally “corresponding to.” God’s plan is that these differences compliment, rather than compete against, each other.

I was attracted to Cathy not only because she was cute and confident, but also because she was conscientious. I could always depend on her to be on time, to carry out her responsibilities, to fulfill a promise. On the other hand, Cathy was attracted to me because I am more spontaneous -- after all if you focus too much on being responsible you might miss out on some fun. Why would anyone want to study on the first warm, wind-free day of spring?!

The challenge for couples with these sometimes gaping differences is to learn “to play a duet in the same key, to the same rhythm.” God puts opposites together so that each will learn from the other’s strengths. Cathy had to learn that deadlines are often less important than spending time with a friend, that a tidy house was a lesser priority than a developing child. I had to learn that I couldn’t be responsible without lists and schedules and calendars.

But the lessons aren’t learned easily and the failure to adjust to these differences can erode a marriage. Before we were married, I was impressed and attracted by Cathy’s ability to get things done. But I didn't realize that once we were married she would make me one of her projects -- now she wanted me to get places on time! And Cathy didn’t realize that my spontaneity could devolve into irresponsibility -- household repairs might be placed on indefinite delay. In a good marriage there is a continual process of learning how to profit from each others strengths while not being bankrupted by their weaknesses.

Marital Building Blocks, Part 1

"We-just-don't-love-each-other-anymore" is the most common excuse for ending a marriage. But is a lack of love the primary reason for today's fragile state of marriage? I don’t think so. When God introduced the idea of marriage in Genesis, the word “love” was as scarce as clothes were. There were other ideas which formed the building blocks for a healthy marriage.

First, marriage is designed for companionship. At the conclusion of each day of creation, God wrote an epitaph: “And God saw that it was good. . . . And God saw that is was good. . . . And God saw that it was good.” But even before Adam and Eve’s rebellion, God declared that something was not good: “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Though Adam enjoyed intimate fellowship with his Creator in a perfect environment, he was still incomplete. God created us to be social beings who need other people. Marriage is probably our best opportunity to enjoy this companionship.

When Cathy and I were dating we were together constantly -- meeting between classes, sharing meals, attending sporting events, taking long walks, joining a campus Bible study, participating in retreats, etc. Unfortunately, as author Mike Mason points out, most married couples don’t maintain anything close to this type of commitment. Instead, “great amounts of energy are channeled into other concerns, into friendships and social life, into careers, into the raising of offspring, into every conceivable cause except the cause of marriage itself.”

A husband works at an insurance agency while his wife teaches at a public grade school. He hunts and fishes with his buddies while she participates in a book club with her girlfriends. He serves on the finance committee at church while she teaches a girls’ Sunday School class. With such disjointed lives many of these couples drift apart.

Knowing that relationship building demands chunks of time, God gave the following instructions to new husbands: “If a man has married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to his wife.” (Deut.24:5) If marriages are going to be strong and help fulfill our great need for companionship, then husbands and wives must lavish time on each other in significant ways. Cathy and I have attempted to do this by sharing housework and yard work, reading books to each other, ministering to some of the same people, riding bikes together, entertaining in our home, nurturing our grandchildren.