Marital Building Blocks, Part 2

It is often said that in choosing a mate, “opposites attract.” Sometimes these personality differences can be profound:

Some love cluttered, knick-knacky rooms, while others need bare simplicity. Some people compulsively plan the future, while others take full pleasure in the present. Some must eat lightly but regularly throughout the day, while others eat according to appetite, irregularly. Some crave silence and find it necessary for intimacy, while others have to talk. Some hold to old customs and practices, cherishing pictures, memories, and family re-unions, while others ditch the pat joyfully to risk some new, uncertain thing. (Walter Wangerin)

God said he would create a helper “suitable” for Adam. The Hebrew word for “suitable” means literally “corresponding to.” God’s plan is that these differences compliment, rather than compete against, each other.

I was attracted to Cathy not only because she was cute and confident, but also because she was conscientious. I could always depend on her to be on time, to carry out her responsibilities, to fulfill a promise. On the other hand, Cathy was attracted to me because I am more spontaneous -- after all if you focus too much on being responsible you might miss out on some fun. Why would anyone want to study on the first warm, wind-free day of spring?!

The challenge for couples with these sometimes gaping differences is to learn “to play a duet in the same key, to the same rhythm.” God puts opposites together so that each will learn from the other’s strengths. Cathy had to learn that deadlines are often less important than spending time with a friend, that a tidy house was a lesser priority than a developing child. I had to learn that I couldn’t be responsible without lists and schedules and calendars.

But the lessons aren’t learned easily and the failure to adjust to these differences can erode a marriage. Before we were married, I was impressed and attracted by Cathy’s ability to get things done. But I didn't realize that once we were married she would make me one of her projects -- now she wanted me to get places on time! And Cathy didn’t realize that my spontaneity could devolve into irresponsibility -- household repairs might be placed on indefinite delay. In a good marriage there is a continual process of learning how to profit from each others strengths while not being bankrupted by their weaknesses.