Marital Building Blocks, Part 3

Thomas Jefferson, the third President of the United States, lost his wife when his daughters were young and never remarried. He apparently transferred the emotional bond with his wife to his daughters, becoming very dependent on their devotion. On one occasion a lonely Jefferson wrote to Martha: “I am chilled by my solitude. It makes me wish the more that you and your sister were here to enjoy it. I value the enjoyments of life only in proportion as you participate them with me.” His possessive love was apparently reciprocated. After Martha had been married for nearly a decade she wrote to her father that no “new ties can weaken the first and best of nature.” No wonder Martha’s husband had severe mental problems. He was in competition with his father-in-law for the love of his wife.

God knew that the transition from our biological families to our created families would not be easy. So Genesis guides us in this process: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” One of the very first challenges for newly-weds is to “leave” their birth families. But what does this mean? Mike Mason explains that “marriage is not a joining of two worlds, but an abandoning of two worlds in order that one new one might be formed.” The birth family must no longer be the primary source of affection or advice or aid.

I distinctly remember the first time I became ill after Cathy and I were married. Do you know who I wanted to comfort me? You guessed it. I wanted Mom! She was the one who had nursed me for 20 years. When I was home sick, she would bake me chocolate chip cookies and change my sheets each day and say all the appropriate words: “Oh, I’m sure you feel awful, honey.” Cathy had not had any practice in taking care of a sick person. After a day or two of being sick, her attitude was something like: “Don’t you feel better yet?” We are thankful that we lived nearly 1000 miles from our parents so that we were forced to learn how to care for each other “in sickness and in health.”

Even when the kids have a proper perspective, the parents may try to hang onto their former roles. Parents may be too pushy in telling their kids what jobs to take or how to invest their money or how to discipline their children. I know a young couple whose mother was continually critiquing her married daughter’s large and small choices -- “You’re not going to buy a dog, are you?! That would be foolish since you both work fulltime.” After repeated violations, this young woman’s wise husband went to his mother-in-law and explained as graciously as possible: “You can’t talk to my wife that way.”

Does this mean that parents can’t help their children financially? can’t offer advice? can’t live nearby? Not at all. But they must give them enough space so that they can become their own family, making their own choices.