Divorce: Renewing a Broken Marriage

The Pharisees asked Jesus: "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" (Mt.19:8). Wrong question! The legality of divorce is not the place to begin a discussion about divorce.

Jesus reminded the Pharisees that God weaves the souls of a husband and a wife together: "they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Their first question should have been about how to maintain this God-founded unity.

The disciples were stunned by Jesus’ high standard: "If this is the situation between a man and his wife, then it is better not to marry." They didn't believe it was humanly possible to fulfill such a commitment. They were right--without God's help marriage is impossible. That’s why marital conflict should send us to our knees before it sends us to our lawyer.

There’s so much that you can do to resuscitate a dying marriage:

• Get honest. Do you ask God to reveal your marital sins? to teach you how to love an unlovely mate? Even after nearly four decades of marriage, I still find it nearly as hard to say "I was wrong" as I do to lift a thousand pounds. I still make my suggestions sound like commands. I still can be as stubborn as a South Dakota winter. Without continually opening myself to God, I can become complacent or blind to my sins—thus demoralizing my wife and making it harder for her to deal with her own shortcomings.
• Get help. Find someone with a growing marriage who will pray with you, who will teach you, who will be honest with you. But be careful—not all friends are created equal. Some will advise you to dump a marriage that can be revived. Look for a different friend!
• Get educated. How successful would you be at your job without schooling? without reading books or journals? without attending seminars? Similarly, how can you expect to have a successful marriage without training? Read a book on marriage each year. Attend an occasional seminar. Join a Bible study on marriage.

No one has an “etch-a-sketch” marriage—the past cannot be erased: Second [marriages] come with 3 small children, a low-paying job, and the ghosts of the failed marriage. Some come with a sense of having been torn away from one's children and not knowing how to re-establish a home. Some second chances begin with loneliness and a feeling of being unloved and unlovable.
Since divorce is seldom the relief that people anticipate, dig in, plant some seeds, pull some weeds, wait for a harvest. A healthy marriage is one of life's choicest fruits.