“Wall-to-Wall Parenting”: Part 4

"Give Them Space"

We often become over-involved in our kids’ lives because we feel responsible for constructing our children’s future, “one two-by-four at a time.” So, “to prevent even the tiniest mishap, we believe we should act as stage managers responsible for all production details: casting, costumes, scenery, music, script changes, and making sure no one ever misses a cue or flubs a line. And boy, does that keep us busy!”

It is our fear that drives much of our over-parenting—our fear that our children might stumble. We think it is our calling to keep our children blissful and successful. But as Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld has written, we have forgotten that both joy and sorrow are natural parts of everyone’s life: As the expression goes, into every life some rain must fall. Close friends spend wonderful sleepovers together; sometimes they fight. Sometimes they make up; other times they remain lifelong enemies. Some nights you have wonderful dreams; on others you have nightmares. Arms get broken; walls gets scaled. Challenges are overcome; life defeats you temporarily. Santa gets you just what you want; Santa gets it all wrong. Toys give great pleasure; sometimes a treasured one breaks. Pets run away and get run over. [Some dogs] have wonderful poppies that friends want for their own; some have pup-pies no one else wants so you have to take them to the pound. The new school is great and you make friends even though you miss the old ones; the new school that you thought was going to be terrific actually is terrible; teachers can be wonderful, inspiring; teachers can be unfair; some teachers simply ought to find an-other line of work.

Parents can not and should not protect their children from every painful experience. Our “compulsion to have our fingers in every mud pie our children make” is not healthy for our kids. Though they occasionally need our coaching, eventually they must develop the drive, the discipline, and the skills to depend on God, rather than us, to solve their problems. When they have a problem with a friend or a coach or their health, encourage them to turn to God first--He is certainly a better counselor than we are!

As I conclude this series on the over-involved parent, remember: You will find it easier to determine the limits of your job as a parent, when you put God at the center of your family life. What is your primary focus—your relationship with God or your relationship with your children?If we build our lives around our children, they will grow up self-obsessed rather than God- and other-obsessed. And what will we do when they are gone? We joke about the empty-nest syndrome but part of it caused by our over-commitment to our kids.