Marriage, Part 3 

Wedding Vows 

"Wedding vows are not a declaration of present love but a mutually binding promise of future love." Tim Keller

"We-just-don't-love-each-other-anymore" is a common excuse for ending a marriage. But is a lack of love the primary  reason for marital breakups? I think not. When God introduced the idea of marriage in Genesis, the word “love” was as scarce as clothes were: “A man will leave his father and his mother, and they will become one flesh.”

Commitment is widely proclaimed in most wedding vows—brides and grooms promise to love each other for a lifetime. Walter Wangerin explains the purpose and power of these vows: “A promise made, a promise witnessed, a promise heard, remembered, and trusted -- this is the groundwork of marriage." These promises are a “special harbor in high seas.”

Even a statistical analysis of marriage supports hanging onto your mate. Over 60% of married people say they are “happy” with their marriage. And 5 years later, nearly 90% of those who aren’t happy today, will be happy if they hold on to their marriage. Most troubled marriages get better with age.

 Some couples will boast: “We don’t need a piece of paper to hold us together.” Sorry—statistics show otherwise. Cohabitation is even more unstable than marriage. Three-fourths of unmarried couples who produce a child will break up before the child’s sixteenth birthday. And it is on to the next partner. Those who reject marriage “never do find any real stability. Instead of growing into maturity with one partner, they go over and over the same basic ground in each new liaison.” Keller

Conventional wisdom might lead a couple to a trial arrangement: "Let’s see if we are compatible before we marry.” But all a trial period does is make it easier to end the relationship. When “they don’t merge their entire lives—socially, economically, legally,” they seldom endure the inevitable hardships of their relationship. Walter Wangerin concludes: [If they choose to live together] before a public wedding, “it’s like starting a job without a contract; there are no secure assurances, and one might be fired on a whim, at a change in the economy, for spite, or for expedience.”

Sittser: Marriage is not an experiment. It is a commitment.

Marriage, Part 2

Friends for Life: Our Need for Companionship

At the end of each day of creation, God wrote an epitaph: “And God saw that it was good.” But even before Adam and Eve’s sinned, God declared that something in Eden was not good: “It is not good for man to be alone.” Though this first couple enjoyed intimate fellowship with their Creator and lived in an unspoiled world, they were still incomplete. God created us to be social beings who need others. Marriage may be our best opportunity to enjoy this companionship.

When Cathy and I were dating we were together constantly -- meeting between classes, sharing meals, attending sporting events, taking long walks, joining a campus Bible study, participating in retreats.

But much of modern life pulls couples apart. A husband works at an insurance agency while his wife teaches in a grade school. He hunts and fishes with his buddies while she participates in a book club with her girlfriends. He serves on the finance committee at church while she teaches a Sunday School class. With such disjointed lives many couples drift apart.

Knowing that relationship building takes time, God gave the following instructions to new husbands: “If a man has married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to his wife.” (Deut.24:5) Wow! A yearlong honeymoon! If marriages are going to be strong, then husbands and wives must lavish time on each other in significant ways. Cathy and I have continued to cultivate our bond by sharing housework and yard work, reading books to each other, mentoring other couples, watching a favorite television program, exercising together, entertaining in our home, nurturing grandchildren.

Such extravagance may feel like a “waste” of time. Why would God ask us to pour ourselves out for our mates when there is so much aching human need? Because marriage is the school where we learn how to love another person: “If we cannot love our own favorite person through all of their ups and downs and trials and changes, then how will we ever love the poor and the unlovely and the forgotten of the world?” (Mike Mason)

My marriage “is the place where love must first be practiced before it can truly be practiced anywhere else.”

Marriage: The Basics, Part 1

Introduction

A House Beautiful magazine article offered advice to the wives whose husbands were returning from World War II: “You, to whom the veteran is returning, are entrusted with the biggest morale job in history. Your part in the remaking of this man is to fit his home to him, understanding why he would want it this way, forgetting your own preferences. After all, it is the boss who has come home.” This quaint description of married life from the 1940’s reminds us of one of the greatest truths about the Bible—the Bible never goes out-of-date. It speaks powerfully and purposefully to every culture, to every century, to every marriage. This staying power is one of the reasons why I believe the Bible contains the words of the Living God. What other source can do this?

This post is the beginning of a series I will do on marriage. Though the coming posts will venture into other territory, I will stay on this theme of marriage because marriage plays such a vital role in what God wants to accomplish in people’s lives.

God didn’t waste any time revealing the nature of Christian marriage. In the first three chapters of Genesis, God revealed many of the basic truths that I will return to again and again throughout this series. Marriage is God’s idea. And if “God invented marriage, then those who enter it should make every effort to understand and submit to his purposes for it.” (Tim Keller)

If there is no Creator then it makes sense to fiddle with the definition of marriage. But if marriage and its structure has been given to us by God, then we tread on rough ground if we try to remake it.

Gardening the Soul, Part 6

Are We Truly Hearing God's Voice?

Isaiah has directed the thirsty to "come”, “listen", and now, to "forsake.” 

Let the wicked forsake his way,
  and the evil man his thoughts.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
  neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
As the heavens are higher than the earth, 
  so are my ways higher than your ways
  and my thoughts than your thoughts. Is.55:9,10

Pruning our corrupt thoughts and ways as we embrace God's infinitely higher thoughts and ways is the final step—and the step that shows that we are drinking from God’s word.

There is a close connection between hearing and doing in the Bible—the New Testament word for "hear" is often translated "obey.” But many of us are content to adopt God’s thoughts with incorporating them into our ways. When workers at a U.S. corporation were surveyed, they reported that their lives were "too crowded, their time with their children too limited." Furthermore they wanted "extra time at home."  Attempting to help employees balance work and home, this family-friendly company offered part-time, "flexplace" (working at home), and "flextime" (choosing when they would start their day) work. And new mothers were allowed to work part-time but retain full-time benefits. What was the result? Flextime was the only policy that workers used significantly. It's one thing to say you want more family time; it is quite another to act on that idea.

What thoughts is God asking you to translate into “ways”?

Ø  Has God revealed a selfish attitude toward your leisure? Then begin practicing his higher ways by inviting a lonely neighbor for dinner or by mentoring a fatherless child.

Ø  Has God reminded you that a friend is in pain? Then call her today to offer some comfort.

Ø  Has God reminded you that your ways have not included any regular fellowship with him? Then change the pattern of your days to include him.

Ø  Has God reminded you that you and your wife need regular time without the kids? Then hire a weekly babysitter for you and your wife’s date night.

Your auditory canals are clogged if God’s thoughts are not also transforming your ways. 

As I reflect on my own watering habits, I am humbled by how frequently I fail to water my own life adequately. I expend great effort hauling buckets of water to thirsty people, but don't see my own arid places. Today as I labored over these words, asking God to help me deliver these critical truths, I stopped dipping my bucket long enough to let the waters become still. As I gazed into those calmed waters I saw my own reflection – I have been complaining too much about my ailing body. Listening to God is an art that requires practice -- and we stumble frequently as we tune our ears to God's frequency. 

Gardening the Soul, Part 5

The Habit of Drinking

Isaiah's repeated calls to "come" and to "listen" to God imply a recurrent showering of our lives with God's truth. One recent summer my state had been in an extended drought that left the ground rock-hard. Then when a thunderstorm dumped a quick, heavy rain, the ground's hardness prevented much of the water from being absorbed. The plants would have benefited more from a slow, all-day soaker.

Similarly, it is the slow, steady soaking of God's word that most effectively waters my life. If I go for long periods of time without drinking from God's word, I become increasingly hardened to God's voice. The prophet Isaiah warned: Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near. (v.6)

A friend of author Philip Yancey wanted to know if God would forgive him if he dissolved his fifteen-year marriage that had produced three children and no crushing problems. Yancey didn't answer the question immediately, being afraid that a "Yes" answer would only strengthen his friend's resolve to end his marriage. As Yancey thought and prayed, he finally answered:

Can God forgive you? Of course. You know the Bible. [But] what we have to go through to commit sin distances us from God—we change in the very act of rebellion—and there is no guarantee we will ever come back. You ask me about forgiveness now, but will you even want it later, especially if it involves repentance?

Sin packs the ground of our hearts, forming a hardpan between God and us. The longer our rebellion, the thicker that barrier becomes. Yancey's friend steeled his heart toward God and abandoned his family. As yet, there has been no evidence of any softening toward God. Only land that drinks in the rain often falling on it . . . receives the blessing of God. (Heb.6:7) It is the habit of drinking we must establish.

Gardening the Soul, Part 4

Listening to God

Isaiah's invitation to come to God has a catch -- we must come with open ears. "Listen, listen to me, . . . Give ear . . . hear me . . . ." God sounds like a frustrated parent.

"Listen up!"

"You're not listening to me."

"Did you hear what I said?"

“Are you deaf?!”

"Look at me while I am talking to you."

"We better go to the doctor and have your hearing checked!"

I tell my child, "You're not listening to me."  He complains that he did, perfectly repeating my words. But I'm not satisfied because I know he hasn't really grasped the meaning of my words. This was the problem in Isaiah's day and why he pleaded with them: "In your hearing, hear!" As God's child I can read my Bible daily. I can gain mountains of Biblical knowledge. I can memorize long sections of God's word. But I may still be deaf to what God is saying to me.

Katie Cocker, in the Lee Smith novel, The Devil's Dream, was a country singer who married her capable but crooked manager. Wayne was a violent drunkard whose all-consuming passion was to turn Katie into a star, but by any means. Soon after Wayne was arrested for his money-raising schemes, Katie went to the hospital to recover from nervous exhaustion. As she laid in bed, she could see more clearly what sort of man she had married:  

I had to admit, in my heart, that I had known, someplace deep down where I was not admitting it, that he was up to no good. I knew he was breaking the law. I reckon I had come to think Wayne was above the law, or beyond it some way. But I also knew better. You always know everything, don't you? You won't let yourself know you know it, a lot of times you can't let yourself know it, because you can't stand to know what you know. 

The fame and the fortune caused Katie to shut her ears to the rumblings of her husband's corrupt life. She muffled her conscience so that it wouldn’t threaten her "good" life. Don’t we treat God similarly? We banish his convicting words from our conscious thoughts, pretending that we aren't really hearing his unsettling voice. We want to cling to our fumbling, though familiar, life. Ignorance is bliss . . . for a while.

Have you been plugging up your ears so that you can mute God’s voice?  When you are truly listening you are telling God, “I will do whatever you want me to do. I will go wherever you want me to go. I will think whatever you want me to think.”

Gardening the Soul: Part 3

Watering Your Life

Isaiah was confident that pouring God's word into our lives would cause them to blossom:

  As the rain and snow fall from heaven,  
  and do not return without watering the earth,
  making it bud and flourish, . . .  
  so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
  it will not return to me empty,
  but will accomplish what I desire
  and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. (55:10,11)

There is an endless cycle of watering the land. Water falls as rain or snow, is soaked up by the ground, absorbed by plants, transpires into the atmosphere, and again, descends as rain or snow. This cycle has its intended impact, causing the earth to bud and flourish. This prospering of the earth is a picture for us: As the rain . . . so is my word. God showers the earth with his word. But before cycling back to God, it will achieve the purpose for which he sent it--producing fruitful lives.

Dr. Larry Crabb believes we have radically changed our view of how people bud and flourish. Instead of each person being a "fallen soul hungry for God," each person is a "psychological self capable of being damaged.” The old way seeks healing through an intimate bond with Christ and his word. The new way seeks healing by unraveling the complex dynamics of the soul—something only "professionals" can accomplish. Dr. Elizabeth Loftus explains the goal of most modern therapy:

  The central question—“Who am I?"—has been reduced by modern psychotherapy to "How did I get this way?" To understand who we are and why we are the way we are, many therapists encourage us to go back to our childhoods and find out what happened to us there. If we are in pain, we are told there must be a cause; if we cannot locate the cause, we have not looked deep enough. And on goes the search to find the truth of our lives in the memories we have and the memories we have lost.

I know a woman who has spent years rummaging in the murky memories of her adolescence trying to recall the details of suspected sexual abuse. And some therapists believe that memories can be retrieved from one and two year-old children. Is that really possible?

Though the past can certainly enlighten the present, the dominant view of the Bible is that healing occurs when we develop a love for God through his word. Have you felt rejected by an absent father? Jesus promised: I will never leave you or forsake you. (Heb.13:5) Have you been ridiculed for a physical flaw? God's word informs you that man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. (I Sam.16:7) Were your needs ignored after your parents' disturbing divorce? Jesus encourages you that your heavenly Father knows what you need before you ask him. (Mt.6:8) As Isaiah promised, watering our lives with God's word will unfailingly produce a fruitful life.

 

Gardening the Soul: Part 2

An Invitation from God: Isaiah 55

Possibly the most stunning aspect of the feast described by Isaiah is that I am not ushered to a distant corner of the banquet hall but am graciously invited to commune at the head table. As I carefully re-read the invitation, I notice these words: "listen to me. . . come to me. . . hear me.” The invitation to come to the living waters is also an invitation to commune with the Host of the party. As J.I. Packer reminds us, "God sends His word to us in the character of both information and invitation. It comes to woo us as well as to instruct us."

Thus, whenever I come to God's word, I am not coming to some dated, dusty book. I find the life-nourishing words of the living God speaking to me. A.W. Tozer explains:

A loving Personality dominates the Bible, walking among the trees of the garden and breathing fragrance over every scene. Always a living Person is present, speaking, pleading, loving, working, and manifesting Himself whenever and wherever His people have the receptivity to receive the manifestation.

I recently visited a Christian college classroom that was studying the gospels. After some small group sharing, the professor concluded with a lecture. But he never opened his Bible. He never quoted the Bible. He cited a few Biblical references but spent most of his time reading quotes from other sources. Though there is a critical role for Christian books (I hope someone reads my books!), these books cannot be a substitute for teaching students how to meet with God through his word.

Thomas a Kempis understood the need to hear God’s voice. He prayed: "Often I am wearied by all I read and hear. In you is all that I desire and long for. Therefore let all teachers keep silent, and let all creation be still before You; [may] You, O Lord, speak alone." Too often, I depend on others—friends or preachers or books or radio—to water my garden. I must develop the ability to draw water for myself, drinking deeply from God’s well.

Is there an emptiness in your busyness? Do you frequently experience an aching loneliness even though your days are filled with stimulating people and meaningful work? Then shut this book. Find a quiet place. Take your Bible and a notebook—read, listen, write, ask, give thanks. Ask God to pour his living water into your parched soul.

Gardening the Soul, Part 1

Drink Up!

Wall Drug Store in Wall, South Dakota has become a watering hole for many western family vacations. The store built its business by advertising free ice water to thirsty tourists. (Did other establishments charge for it?!) God has a similar offer:

 

Come, all you who are thirsty,

  come to the waters;
and you, who have no money,
  come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk,
  without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
  and your labor on what does not satisfy.
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
  and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
  hear me, that your soul may live. (Isaiah 55:1-3)

I am repeatedly invited to "come", to drink from these free waters. These waters expand into a banquet—the richest of fare. A number of years ago while living in Tampa we were invited to a lavish, end-of-year party at one of the city's country clubs. What a feast! There were bowls of fresh fruits—cantaloupe, strawberries, pineapple; freshly baked breads and muffins; bowls of diverse salads—a tangy potato salad, an exquisite crab salad; plates loaded with crisp, southern fried chicken; a rack of medium-rare prime rib; numerous vegetables: steamed broccoli, honey-glazed carrots. But the prize for my palate was the seafood: mounds of boiled shrimp, steamed crabs, even broiled lobster tails. As a guest it was all free, with only one limit—the size of my stomach!

But God calls us to come to an even more extravagant feast: eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. This “soul food” is eternally more delectable than that all-you-can-eat gourmet buffet. It alone will quench my deepest thirsts. 

Isaiah's invitation is sent to all you who are thirsty. Though all human seedlings are thirsty, not all recognize their thirst. A few years ago I was explaining the course requirements for Intro to the Bible class when one of the students asked: "Why do I need to study the Bible? I figure that on a scale of one to ten, I am about a six or a seven. Why do I need this book and this class?”  What a challenge! I was requiring these students to sacrifice their Saturday mornings, to read large sections of the Bible, to write a lengthy research paper. But if I couldn't explain the relevance of this work, I would have lost one student, and possibly, many more. I screamed a silent "Help!" toward heaven. God brought this answer to my mind: "During the early years of my marriage I thought I was a pretty good husband. If I had graded our marriage I would have given it about a "B"—that was averaging my "A" and Cathy's "C"! Each time we had a conflict, Cathy ended up tearfully confessing her faults. I graciously accepted her apologies and promised to pray for her! But during my second year in seminary, I enrolled in a course on family life. And as I was confronted with what the Bible taught about marriage, my prayers began to change. `Lord, I am the one who is most parched. Change me. Apart from regular drinks from God’s word I can be deceived. I may think I am a 6 or 7. But in reality I may be only a 2 or 3.

 

Gardening the Soul: Intro

Gardening on the northern plains has unique thrills. I suspect southerners don't experience the same euphoria that we polar gardeners do when spring arrives. The snow and the cold have imprisoned us for so long, that we become down right giddy when a shovel will slide into frost-free ground.

But the high doesn't last long. After spring's initial rush, we have to hunker down into the drab, daily grind of tending the garden through the long, languid summer. The problem with life is that it is so "daily"!

A couple of summers ago I stopped by a parking-lot greenhouse to select a few more annuals to fill out our garden. It was early Monday morning and dour-faced workers were scurrying around in a chaotic frenzy—whoever was responsible for the greenhouse over the blistering weekend, had failed to water the seedlings. There were thousands of stressed seedlings, sadly hanging their heads. The staff had begun the joyless task of throwing out tray after tray of scorched seedlings.

The life and productivity of every living plant is dependent upon water. Though newly sprouted seedlings and one hundred year-old oak trees have somewhat different needs, each would die without water. Knowing my plants' need for water and the uncertainty of timely rains in South Dakota, I spend considerable time analyzing the moisture in the soil, listening to weather reports, eyeing the sky, praying for rain, checking my rain gauge, and watering. During the growing season our yard is frequently criss-crossed with hoses. I recall only once asking God to halt excessive rains. He did—and it didn't rain measurably for the next three months. (A South Dakota native should know better!) For this plains’ gardener, a moderate, all-day rain is a great joy!

The ancient Israelites—who also lived in a rain-marginal land—understood the blessing of ample rain. And they used the watering of the land as a metaphor for God's watering of their lives:

 

Let my teaching fall like rain
    and my words descend like dew,
 like showers on new grass,
   like abundant rain on tender plants. (Deut.32:2)
   

When summer rain arrives after a dry period, the tender grasses and plants lap it greedily. Within hours they are greener, taller, livelier. It is the same for me. When I lap up God's “teaching” and his “words”, this tender plant shoots up as well.

Over the next several blogs I will explore the theme of how God waters our lives so that even if we live “in a sun-scorched land”, we “will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”  Is.58:11

Discovering Our Identity, Part 7

Most of us have identities that have been shaped, in part, by our earthly fathers. Who am I? I am Al Schock’s son. His life stamped my life in abundant ways. I still share his love for thunderstorms, weather, South Dakota, the soil, hunting pheasants, and politics. He was also a potent model of forgiveness, generosity, and care for others. At his funeral several people told me that working for Al Schock was their best and most enjoyable job.

As a child of God, I am called to develop and display God-like character in this godless world: Don’t complain or argue so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars. Phil.2:14-16.

During my college years, I played a lot of pickup basketball with the school’s coaches and wellness faculty. One day after a rather intense session, one of the coaches took me aside and scolded me: “Bernie, you are one of the best players on the court. But no one wants to play with you because you are such a whiner. You call little touch fouls, especially if you miss a shot. And you seldom admit you committed a foul when someone calls one on you.” Ouch! As a child of God who wanted to “shine like a star”, I had a lot of work to do. My star was clouded over by my obnoxious character.

Jesus proclaimed that love for our enemies demonstrates that we belong to the Father’s forever family: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your father in heaven. (Matt.5:44)  During World War II, German pastor Heinrich Gruber couldn’t join his nation’s plunge into unspeakable evil. He observed that when his German brothers don their uniforms, they doff their consciences. But that didn’t stop Gruber from sheltering Jews and boldly sharing the gospel with many Nazis. When the infamous Adolf Eichmann asked Gruber why he wanted to help the Jews, Gruber bravely recounted Jesus’ parable of the Good Samaritan: “Once there lay on the Jericho road a Jew who had fallen among thieves. Then a man passed by who was not a Jew, and helped him. The Lord whom I alone obey tells me, ‘Go and do likewise.’” Though sharing the gospel with the Nazis greatly increased the risks he was taking, he “believed the Gospel of Jesus Christ was powerful enough to change the heart of even the most ruthless Nazi. Therefore he tried to approach every Nazi he met as someone who needed redemption.”

Discovering Our Identity, Part 6

I HAVE A NEW FAMILY

Jesus could be downright rude. When He was told that his Mom and his brothers had come to see him while he was teaching a crowd of his followers, he certainly offended them when he asked the crowd: ‘Who are my mother and my brothers?’ Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.’ (Mark 3:31-34)

Jesus’ birth family had planned an intervention. In their minds, the family’s oldest son was clearly delusional: When Jesus’ family heard about [all that he was doing], they went to take charge of him, for they said, “He is out of his mind”. . . (Mark 3:21) Their big brother had gone crazy. He needed to be rescued for the sake of himself and the family’s honor.

In the ancient Mediterranean world

the individual draws his honor from the group, and likewise, has the potential of dishonoring his family. How Jesus fares reflects on his family as a whole. . . If Jesus had permitted them to take control of him, he would have given into their agenda for the sake of family peace. . . . Jesus rebuffs his family by referring to a higher standard than family, to a different kind of family, a new community.”

Jesus did not bow to their will. This encounter shows that Jesus was advocating a new priority for his followers—faith family takes precedence over blood family.

Jesus was not a cult leader who wanted to cut his followers off from their families so he could control them. Jesus still believed that we should care for our relatives. When he was hanging from the cross and noticed his mother and the Apostle John standing there, he told his Mom: Dear woman, here is your son. And to John he said, Here is your mother. Though our faith family should be our first priority, we can’t ignore the needs of our biological family as well.

How do we live out this truth in practice? Who receives the bulk of your hospitality? Who do you vacation with? Who do you spend your holidays with? A simple way to begin living out this priority is to include people from your faith community when you celebrate a holiday or go on a vacation. Everyone will be enriched by the experience.