Forgiveness: The Only Remedy

Imagine growing up in a large family--you had eleven brothers. But one of your brothers was Dad’s favorite. On one occasion your joyous Dad came home with a brand new, expensive leather coat for the favorite. But then Dad herded the rest of you to Goodwill to pick out your used, winter coats. Now Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, ... and he made him a richly ornamented robe for him. As a result, you developed ill feelings toward this brother who strutted around the house in his special coat. When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him. Now your brother not only flaunted his possession, but he also boasted about his special position. Listen to this dream I had: We were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it. Your brother’s arrogance created a growing, smoldering anger in you and your siblings. And they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said.

Many of us have been deeply wounded by the sins and insensitivity of others. Some of those painful memories hit us with the “blunt impact of a sledgehammer, with enough force to knock [us] loose from the present.” As a result, we would be willing to trade “almost anything for a magic sponge to wipe just a few moments off the tables of time.”

The only way to remove this “nettle in our memory” is through “a surgical procedure called forgiveness. It is not as though forgiving is the remedy of choice among other options. It is the only remedy.” Over the next several posts I plan to use the story of Joseph and his brothers to discuss forgiveness--the only cure for broken hearts.

As the story of Joseph reveals, the abuses in relationships are seldom one-sided. Dad committed the sin of favoritism (which he learned at his mother’s knee) and the sin of indifference (he made feeble attempts to resolve these conflicts). Joseph sinned by flaunting his role as the favorite. Joseph’s brothers sinned by nursing a hatred of Joseph.

All of this produced a cauldron of animosity and bitterness which boiled over into violence. Joseph, who was the most privileged, became the most abused. Thus, this is primarily a story about how he came to forgive his brothers.

Perfect Kids, Part 2

Near the end of Jesus’ ministry two of his disciples came to him with an urgent request. But before they made their request they wanted Jesus to pledge that he would grant their request. Now real­ly--how gullible did they think he was?! How would you respond if your child said: "I have something I desperately want. But before I make my request, you have to promise to give it to me." You would laugh into next year. Even so, Jesus asked them what they wanted: “Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory.”

Now put yourself in Jesus’ shoes--you have been with these disciples for 2-3 years, coaching, cajoling, correcting, caring for them. These are the men you chose to carry your eternal message to the ends of the earth. And this childish request came only a few days after Jesus caught the Twelve arguing about who was the greatest among them. Ugh! My response would have been: “You want, what?! Have you learned nothing you bumbling idiots?! How many times have I told you that it is servants who are the greatest in God’s kingdom?!”

But this wasn't Jesus' method. He quietly gathered them around him, gently explaining, again, that this was not how things would be. Though their attitudes were normal among worldly people, he softly and simply reproached them: “Not so with you.” Unfortunately, there is little of this grace in many Christian homes. These parents bark out correction like a hard-nosed CEO: "Cut that out!" "Stop that!" "Don't you ever say that again!” "Can't you ever do anything right?"

Though we obviously can’t abandon standards, we must periodically review those standards. Is it reasonable for

· a 5 year-old to keep his room as spotless as an adult's?
· siblings to always remember to be quiet while the baby sleeps?
· a teen to be home before his curfew 100% of the time?
· a child to never whine about her chores?

Maturity is a slow, snail-like process that needs nurturing.

Faltering kids need gracious and consistent correction. When your exhausted toddler refuses to pick up his toys he may need your help more than he needs a spanking. When a 5 year-old hits his sister because she won’t share her treat, it may be sufficient to remind him that he can’t treat his sister that way. When your angry teen shouts, "You never let me do anything!", the best response may be: "Please change your tone of voice so we can talk about this calmly."

Imperfection is a part of being human. But our response to these imperfections will help or hinder our kids’ progress toward maturity.

"Perfect Kids, Part 1"

Over ten years ago, I wrote:

Though I have been a Christian for over 20 years, I must confess that there are stubborn sins that tenaciously hang on despite laboring with God to remove them. A few of my many short-comings include:

· My compliments are about as frequent as July snow.
· I forget appointments as I am driving to them!
· I make suggestions sound like com­mands.
· I groundlessly justify myself when I should simply apologize.


I won't bore you or embarrass you with a total list of my defects, but you get the point. Am I discouraged by my failings? At times. But normally my flaws don’t crush me because I know that imperfection is a part of being human. As the saying goes, no one is perfect.

So with this insight into human nature, what kind of expec­tations do I have of my three teenage boys? I expect them to ALWAYS remember my instructions. I expect them to speak gracious­ly in ALL circumstances to their brothers. I expect them to ALWAYS be attentive when I speak to them. I expect them NEVER to use their fists to settle an argument. I expect them to NEVER make fun of another child. I expect them to be ALWAYS respectful of me as their father. I expect them to NEVER become angry during a family discussion. And when they fail to meet these "reasona­ble" standards, I bellow at their infirmities: "I am sick and
tired of you talking to your brother like that. Cut it out!"

Before Cathy and I had children, we read several books about parenting. It didn't sound too difficult--we would be perfect parents; our kids would be perfect children. Right? Wrong! Our expectations crashed into reality. And after nearly 2 decades of parenting, we still frequently LOWER our expectations of our boys. They won't always be respectful. They won't always be gracious. They won't always remember their responsibilities. As I hope others will be patient with my failings, I also need to be patient with my children’s failings.