Divorce: Impact on Children

Why are children the biggest losers in the severing of marital ties? Because stable, healthy marriages comprise the scaffolding upon which children mount successive developmental stages. When that structure collapses, the children's world is temporarily without supports.

Children lose their protection because of the nature of divorce: In most crisis situations, such as a fire, parents instinctively reach out and grab hold of their children, bringing them to safety first. In the crisis of divorce, however, mothers and fathers put children on hold, attending to adult problems first. As Mary Pipher explains, children need parents who will talk to them, supervise them, help them stay organized and support them when they are down. Rocked by shock, grief, and anger, divorcing parents often just don’t have the energy to give. And many are busy with new challenges: job hunting, returning to school, dating.

When children of divorce see their parents struggling, it can be terrifying. Elizabeth Marquardt, a child of divorce, explained: As children, seeing our mother or father scared or hurt was frightening. They were, after all, our line of defense against the scary world outside. They were supposed to be bigger than that world. Kids have an expectation that parents will keep them safe and are shocked when they are unable to offer much support. And in a complete reversal of roles, some of these parents turn tragically to their children for support!

Furthermore, many children of divorce are forced to grow up prematurely. When Marquardt was five years old she would fly alone to visit her dad. By nine, she could walk or bike almost anywhere alone. Though she was praised for her “maturity”, she was suffering: "If I was mature on the outside, inside I was still a child, often lonely, sometimes confused, and sometimes very scared. When I was home alone or taking care of my brother, I imagined strangers peeping in our windows. Unfortunately, my parents didn’t have room for feelings such as these. My mother was too overwhelmed, and my father lived too far away." And unfortunately, when these needy teens express their deep pain, they are likely to do it in dangerous ways. Often they feel that their parents broke the rules and so now they can too.

Approximately two-thirds of couples who divorce had a low-conflict marriage. (And as stated earlier, only a minority of people who are unhappy in their marriage today will still be unhappy in five years.) Is it too much to ask them to hang onto a mediocre marriage so that their children will have a stable environment to grow up in?