The Journey of Forgiveness
John and Diane were close friends of ours who shared numerous family vacations with us when our kids were young. Though we saw tension in their marriage we didn’t think it was anything fatal and were shocked when John moved out of his home and eventually asked for a divorce. He had become involved with another woman and eventually married her.
Some years later we were with Diane for a few days and we asked her what she had learned about forgiveness. She explained that she had had to learn how to forgive John again and again and again. When she was lonely, she had to forgive him for deserting her. When she struggled financially, she had to forgive him for not providing security for her. When they struggled with issues related to their children, she had to forgive him for destroying the family unity.
Diane learned what Joseph learned: forgiveness is not a once-for-all-time event. It is a state which must be maintained. When Joseph’s brothers came trembling to him when their dad died, fearful that Joseph’s forgiveness had been a sham to please Dad, Joseph repeated his enduring perspective: God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. (Gen.50:20). Every time Joseph was tempted to become bitter for his lost years or his lost family life or his lost innocence, he probably repeated to himself: God intended it for good, to save many lives. God intended it for good, to save many lives. God intended it for good, to save many lives.
Therefore, to maintain our forgiveness we must be very careful how we view the past. David Augsburger explains: “You may recall the hurt but you may not relive it. No reviewing, no rehashing of the old hurt, no going back to sit on the old gravestones where past grievances lie buried.” There is no indication that Joseph ever relived the day he was thrown into the pit or the day he was sold as a slave or the day he was thrown into the dungeon. Instead, he diligently carried out his God-given tasks.
Forgiveness, especially for life’s deepest hurts, is “a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey.” May God give you the grace to forgive “seventy times seven.”
2012/04/25
2012/04/02
Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us, Part 7
Forgiveness Removes the Poison
I have a friend who has lived an unstable, alcohol-dependent life for the past forty years. During one of our conversations, my slightly drunk friend became riled when the subject of his dad came up. He yelled: “And when I was in 8th grade he bought me right-handed golf clubs!” My left-handed friend has let that bitter memory drip poison into his life for over 40 years! Does time heal wounds? Only when it is combined with forgiveness.
How many of you would willingly let the person who has hurt you do it again? Would Joseph have given his brothers permission to throw him in a pit, threaten to kill him, and sell him again into slavery? Heaven forbid! But my friend is letting his father continue to abuse him in his memories. If he doesn’t learn how to forgive, his dad will keep abusing him, even after Dad is dead!
Reliving painful memories has corroded my friend’s strength for life's daily challenges. As Jesus said, “Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Joseph certainly forgave his brothers early in his trials. Otherwise, the rot of unforgiveness would have sapped his energy for serving Potiphar, the prison warden, and Pharaoh.
The longer we delay forgiving the sinner, the more entrenched the hurt becomes: “It is wiser to begin working toward forgiveness before the sting has begun to swell. Before the molehill mushrooms into a mountain. Before bitterness sets in like an infection.” If I have a splinter in my toe, I don't relish digging it out. But it is not nearly as horrific as leaving it until gangrene sets in and I have to amputate my toe!
Unforgiveness, then, is simply too costly to me: “It is cheaper to pardon than to resent. The high cost of anger, the extravagant expense of hatred, and the unreasonable interest on grudges make resentment out of the question!”
I have a friend who has lived an unstable, alcohol-dependent life for the past forty years. During one of our conversations, my slightly drunk friend became riled when the subject of his dad came up. He yelled: “And when I was in 8th grade he bought me right-handed golf clubs!” My left-handed friend has let that bitter memory drip poison into his life for over 40 years! Does time heal wounds? Only when it is combined with forgiveness.
How many of you would willingly let the person who has hurt you do it again? Would Joseph have given his brothers permission to throw him in a pit, threaten to kill him, and sell him again into slavery? Heaven forbid! But my friend is letting his father continue to abuse him in his memories. If he doesn’t learn how to forgive, his dad will keep abusing him, even after Dad is dead!
Reliving painful memories has corroded my friend’s strength for life's daily challenges. As Jesus said, “Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Joseph certainly forgave his brothers early in his trials. Otherwise, the rot of unforgiveness would have sapped his energy for serving Potiphar, the prison warden, and Pharaoh.
The longer we delay forgiving the sinner, the more entrenched the hurt becomes: “It is wiser to begin working toward forgiveness before the sting has begun to swell. Before the molehill mushrooms into a mountain. Before bitterness sets in like an infection.” If I have a splinter in my toe, I don't relish digging it out. But it is not nearly as horrific as leaving it until gangrene sets in and I have to amputate my toe!
Unforgiveness, then, is simply too costly to me: “It is cheaper to pardon than to resent. The high cost of anger, the extravagant expense of hatred, and the unreasonable interest on grudges make resentment out of the question!”
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