Marital Building Blocks, Part 2

It is often said that in choosing a mate, “opposites attract.” Sometimes these personality differences can be profound:

Some love cluttered, knick-knacky rooms, while others need bare simplicity. Some people compulsively plan the future, while others take full pleasure in the present. Some must eat lightly but regularly throughout the day, while others eat according to appetite, irregularly. Some crave silence and find it necessary for intimacy, while others have to talk. Some hold to old customs and practices, cherishing pictures, memories, and family re-unions, while others ditch the pat joyfully to risk some new, uncertain thing. (Walter Wangerin)

God said he would create a helper “suitable” for Adam. The Hebrew word for “suitable” means literally “corresponding to.” God’s plan is that these differences compliment, rather than compete against, each other.

I was attracted to Cathy not only because she was cute and confident, but also because she was conscientious. I could always depend on her to be on time, to carry out her responsibilities, to fulfill a promise. On the other hand, Cathy was attracted to me because I am more spontaneous -- after all if you focus too much on being responsible you might miss out on some fun. Why would anyone want to study on the first warm, wind-free day of spring?!

The challenge for couples with these sometimes gaping differences is to learn “to play a duet in the same key, to the same rhythm.” God puts opposites together so that each will learn from the other’s strengths. Cathy had to learn that deadlines are often less important than spending time with a friend, that a tidy house was a lesser priority than a developing child. I had to learn that I couldn’t be responsible without lists and schedules and calendars.

But the lessons aren’t learned easily and the failure to adjust to these differences can erode a marriage. Before we were married, I was impressed and attracted by Cathy’s ability to get things done. But I didn't realize that once we were married she would make me one of her projects -- now she wanted me to get places on time! And Cathy didn’t realize that my spontaneity could devolve into irresponsibility -- household repairs might be placed on indefinite delay. In a good marriage there is a continual process of learning how to profit from each others strengths while not being bankrupted by their weaknesses.

Marital Building Blocks, Part 1

"We-just-don't-love-each-other-anymore" is the most common excuse for ending a marriage. But is a lack of love the primary reason for today's fragile state of marriage? I don’t think so. When God introduced the idea of marriage in Genesis, the word “love” was as scarce as clothes were. There were other ideas which formed the building blocks for a healthy marriage.

First, marriage is designed for companionship. At the conclusion of each day of creation, God wrote an epitaph: “And God saw that it was good. . . . And God saw that is was good. . . . And God saw that it was good.” But even before Adam and Eve’s rebellion, God declared that something was not good: “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Though Adam enjoyed intimate fellowship with his Creator in a perfect environment, he was still incomplete. God created us to be social beings who need other people. Marriage is probably our best opportunity to enjoy this companionship.

When Cathy and I were dating we were together constantly -- meeting between classes, sharing meals, attending sporting events, taking long walks, joining a campus Bible study, participating in retreats, etc. Unfortunately, as author Mike Mason points out, most married couples don’t maintain anything close to this type of commitment. Instead, “great amounts of energy are channeled into other concerns, into friendships and social life, into careers, into the raising of offspring, into every conceivable cause except the cause of marriage itself.”

A husband works at an insurance agency while his wife teaches at a public grade school. He hunts and fishes with his buddies while she participates in a book club with her girlfriends. He serves on the finance committee at church while she teaches a girls’ Sunday School class. With such disjointed lives many of these couples drift apart.

Knowing that relationship building demands chunks of time, God gave the following instructions to new husbands: “If a man has married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to his wife.” (Deut.24:5) If marriages are going to be strong and help fulfill our great need for companionship, then husbands and wives must lavish time on each other in significant ways. Cathy and I have attempted to do this by sharing housework and yard work, reading books to each other, ministering to some of the same people, riding bikes together, entertaining in our home, nurturing our grandchildren.

New Format

I am in the process of making some changes on this blog. I will send more information within a week or two.

Leadership, Part 6

Ephesus was apparently filled with wanna-be leaders. But many of them wanted to use their authority to bully others. Committed to “myths”, they had departed from the “sound instruction of our Lord Jesus Christ,” and become “conceited.” In spite of their inflated view of themselves, Paul’s measure of them was that “they do not know what they are talking about or what they so confidently affirm.”

These counterfeit leaders were a serious threat to the health of the church. Because of “an unhealthy interest in controversies and arguments,” they left a messy trail of “envy, quarreling, malicious talk, evil suspicions and constant friction”. Paul summed up their influence: “they promote controversies rather than God’s work.” It was such men that caused Paul to state that a leader must not be “quarrelsome.” Unfortunately, these troublemakers are found in most churches. They care more about promoting their own will rather than God’s will. It doesn’t occur to them that God could speak through anyone else. If you work on a ministry team with them, they will relentlessly argue for their position, even secretly lobbying others outside of the meetings. They believe they are in combat with others -- and they aim not to lose! If they don’t get their way, they criticize, whine, and complain about what is happening -- or what is not happening.

The temptation for a godly leader is to battle these phonies with the same weapons they use. But Paul warned: "Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. The Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to all, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth." The godly doesn't get dragged into these senseless and harmful arguments but continues to "gently instruct" others in the truth. He knows that God is the only one who can bring these troublemakers to repentance.

Cancel Christmas?!

There is a fascinating discussion taking place among Christians about the choice of several churches to cancel their Christmas Day services. There have been articles in the secular (The Chicago Tribune & The Lexington Herald Leader) and Christian press (Christianity Today's Weblog). The discussion deals directly with the issue of Christian freedom.

Why did these churches cancel the service? One spokeswoman for Willow Creek Church in the Chicago area said: "It's being lifestyle-friendly for people who are just very, very busy." Another Willow Creek staff member explained that they "see it as not having church on Christmas. We see it as decentralizing the church on Christmas -- hundreds of thousands of experiences going on around Christmas trees. The best way to honor the birth of Jesus is for families to have a more personal experience on that day." But if it is good to have "a more personal experience" then "why not decentralize the church every week?" Similarly, Fuller Seminary professor, Robert Johnston, didn't like the emphasis on individual family worship: "What's going on here is a redefinition of Christmas as a time of family celebration rather than as a time of the community faithful celebrating the birth of the Savior. There is a risk that we will lose one more of our Christian rituals, one that's at the heart of our faith."

But is Christmas day worship “at the heart of our faith”? Willow Creek says that they haven’t had a Christmas Day service since the last time Christmas fell on a Sunday -- and that one service was poorly attended. Willow Creek estimated that they would have about 50,000 worshipers at various services the week preceding Christmas. And they produced and distributed a Christmas DVD that people could play in their homes.

What does Scripture say? In Romans 14 Paul wrote: "One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers everyday alike." (v.5) Paul defined this issue as a “disputable matter,” thus giving a Christian the freedom to view certain days as sacred or not. (The Catholic Church does not give its worshipers this kind of freedom. A Catholic priest explained that Christmas day is "a holy day of obligation, which means for the faithful, Mass attendance is required.") All that is required is that each person “should be fully convinced in his own mind” about his viewpoint. God is more concerned that I live my life “to the Lord” -- that I am conscious of Him in all that I do -- than what day I worship.

It seems, then, that we have the freedom to view Christmas Day as a special day of worship or not. Different churches and different individuals within these churches, will come to different conclusions as they look to God for direction. The key is that whatever we do, we do it with our hearts and minds on the incredible condescension that God accomplished in Bethlehem’s stable: “And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord shone around them and they were terrified. But the angel said to them: “Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in strips of cloth and lying in a manger.” Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying: `Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.’”

Leadership, Part 5

How can a person rule others if he can’t rule himself? Paul’s next character trait for a leader is that he must be “self-controlled.” This is a disciplined person. He schedules regular time with God. He watches only the second half of a football game so he can help his wife with housework. He limits his spending so that he won’t have to work overtime to pay for his toys. He is able to decline an offer to golf with his buddies because Saturday morning is the best time to be with his kids.

It is easier to describe what a disciplined person looks like than how he becomes disciplined. Paul told the Corinthians: “I beat my body and I make it my slave so that ... I will not be disqualified for the prize.” The disciplined person is able to set aside immediate gratification for future rewards -- the athlete labors for a trophy, the Christian for “a crown that will last forever.” Paul made his body subservient to a higher purpose -- to preach the gospel. He was motivated by eternity.

• “Lord, I know that fellowship with you is the only way I will develop an eternal perspective.”
• “Lord, the results of this football game will be insignificant in light of eternity. You have called me to love my wife and she needs my help today.”
• “Lord, I know that the toys I am tempted to buy will not make me happy. Only you can bring true joy.”
• “Lord, I know that no one in heaven will ask about my golf handicap. But you will ask about my faithfulness in teaching my children -- who will live forever.”

Leadership, Part 4

Paul’s lengthy list of qualifications for leadership in I Timothy provides a glimpse into the essential traits required of a Christian leader. Though no one (except Jesus) perfectly mirrors these qualifications, they provide an ideal to measure progress toward maturity.

In my last post I talked about temperance as one of the critical traits. Paul also explained that a leader must be “above reproach” and “respectable.” John Stott believes these words point toward a leader’s public performance -- it “has to do with irreproachable observable conduct.” This type of person would “have a good reputation with outsiders.”

I recently read a biography of a well-known Christian coach. Though this man was highly thought of the Christian community, few of his players respected him. They thought that his coaching didn’t match his faith. They said he was heartless with correction. He appeared indifferent when players were hurting. He was callous when cutting players. He didn’t maintain any relationship with former players. Didn’t Jesus say that love is the essential mark of a Christian? Didn’t Paul say that if I don’t have love “I am nothing”? This coach justified his actions by stating that he didn’t want to get too close to his players because he was afraid it would prejudice his difficult choices. That’s like saying I don’t want to get to close to my kids because it my effect my ability to discipline them. This is nonsense. Love certainly effects our judgment -- but usually for the better.

If I want to be a godly leader, it isn’t just my life at church that must be above reproach. I must ask myself: How do I react to a hard foul during pick-up basketball? How do I treat a waitress who can’t get my order right? How do I speak about my political opponents? How do I respond to a grouchy neighbor who complains about the noise my grandkids are making? “Father, I want all of my words and ways to bring honor to you.”