Most people who seek a divorce think they are getting away from a troublesome spouse--what many are fleeing is themselves. Mike Mason explains that the closer we are drawn to another person the more we are revealed in the other's light, revealed for what we are. Others are mirrors in which we see ourselves, not as we would like to be, but as we are. Whenever we pull away, searching in one mirror after another for a more pleasing image, what we are really doing is avoiding the truth about ourselves.
In the early years of our marriage Cathy and I battled frequently. We didn't even have the self-control to keep our fights private--I doubt either of our families would have bet a dollar on a 10th, or even a 5th, wedding anniversary! Being convinced that the weight of our problems rested on her, I prayed diligently that God would change her. But my prayers seemed to have little effect. So what was the solution? Was it time to admit my mistake and go fishing in the pond again? Thank God I didn't. Eventually through the Scriptures, and the patience of my wife, I was given sight. She didn’t need near as much help as I did: Lord, forgive me for being so blind. Remove my selfishness and pride. Help me become the husband you want me to be.
When my gardening tools need sharpening I take them to a friend who has a grinding wheel. As I lay the shovel on that rotating stone the sparks fly like it is the 4th of July. If my shovel could speak, it would probably scream at the stone’s grinding away of its nicks and notches. But if it avoids the stone, it looses its effectiveness. So it is in life. It is in the friction of intimacy that our rough edges can be revealed and removed. We must remember the counsel of Solomon: As iron sharpens iron, so does one person sharpen another. (Prov.27:17).
2007/10/25
2007/10/04
Divorce: Divine Math
God, through the prophet Malachi, stated bluntly: I hate divorce. Why does divorce grieve God so deeply? Jesus explained that divorce negates God's original design: "For this reason a
man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. "
When two people wed, something profoundly spiritual takes place. Marriage is more than a legal contract. It is more than a sexual union. A new math is discovered: 1 + 1 = 1. God has joined together a husband and a wife into a spiritual unity. And when that unity is ripped apart, they feel the pain of dismemberment. A divorce . . . is not like the pieces of a puzzle coming apart, with precisely defined, individualized parts remaining whole and intact. It is more like trying to make two bodies out of a single body. Ouch!
Dr. Judy Wallerstein who has been studying the long-term effects of divorce for the past 30 years, began her research with the prejudice that divorce would be painful, but the wounds would soon heal. Her findings shouted a different message. Decades after the divorce, Wallerstein observed: I was braced for a few tears, reluctance to look back, lingering attachments, and maybe occasional regret that a divorce had ever happened. But I did not expect the experience to endure so fully for so many, with high drama, passions, vivid memories, fantasy relationships, jagged breaks in development, intense anger.
She concluded: There is no evidence that time alone diminishes feelings or memories; that hurt and depression are overcome; or that jealousy, anger, and outrage will vanish. Some experiences are just as painful ten years later; some memories haunt us for a lifetime. God designed us to have one partner for life. When this pledge is broken, it produces sour fruit.
There are certainly conditions in which divorce is the only option. (The Scriptures make provision for these divorces.) But the majority of divorces come out of relationships that could easily be saved. All marriages go through difficult times. One study found that only a minority of people who are unhappy in their marriages today still feel that way only five years later.
Hang on. Divorce is seldom a cure for unhappiness. And there are experiences that are far worse than enduring a mediocre marriage.
man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. "
When two people wed, something profoundly spiritual takes place. Marriage is more than a legal contract. It is more than a sexual union. A new math is discovered: 1 + 1 = 1. God has joined together a husband and a wife into a spiritual unity. And when that unity is ripped apart, they feel the pain of dismemberment. A divorce . . . is not like the pieces of a puzzle coming apart, with precisely defined, individualized parts remaining whole and intact. It is more like trying to make two bodies out of a single body. Ouch!
Dr. Judy Wallerstein who has been studying the long-term effects of divorce for the past 30 years, began her research with the prejudice that divorce would be painful, but the wounds would soon heal. Her findings shouted a different message. Decades after the divorce, Wallerstein observed: I was braced for a few tears, reluctance to look back, lingering attachments, and maybe occasional regret that a divorce had ever happened. But I did not expect the experience to endure so fully for so many, with high drama, passions, vivid memories, fantasy relationships, jagged breaks in development, intense anger.
She concluded: There is no evidence that time alone diminishes feelings or memories; that hurt and depression are overcome; or that jealousy, anger, and outrage will vanish. Some experiences are just as painful ten years later; some memories haunt us for a lifetime. God designed us to have one partner for life. When this pledge is broken, it produces sour fruit.
There are certainly conditions in which divorce is the only option. (The Scriptures make provision for these divorces.) But the majority of divorces come out of relationships that could easily be saved. All marriages go through difficult times. One study found that only a minority of people who are unhappy in their marriages today still feel that way only five years later.
Hang on. Divorce is seldom a cure for unhappiness. And there are experiences that are far worse than enduring a mediocre marriage.
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