Marriage, Part 10

"Naked and No Shame"

God shouts, “Get naked!” -- “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” At times this nakedness involves the shedding of our clothes, but even more, the shedding of our false identities. This disrobing can be difficult in the early years of marriage because courtship is often an elaborate game of Hide-and-Seek. If I am trying to win your love, I may apply some makeup to my blemishes!

This stripping of our masquerades is a good, though often painful, task. Mike Mason explains: “One of the hardest things in marriage is the feeling of being watched.” This “constant surveillance can wear one down like a bright light shining in the eyes, which leads inevitably to the crumbling of all our defenses, all our customary shams and masquerades of the personality.” Our attempts to hide from each other are about as feeble as a child holding his hands over his eyes and proclaiming: “You can’t find me!”
 
Other relationships are not as revealing. In a friendship you can go home, move to another city, avoid certain places. But in a marriage it is nearly impossible to hide physically or psychically. “We may feel like we are boxed into an interrogation room--hot, cramped, without food, until we break down and confess our deepest secrets.” We may want “to do anything to get out of the box.” ( Mason)
 
When I purchased my first hand-held computer game, I became quickly, though unknowingly, addicted. One day I was sitting in our living room as Cathy left the house to run some errands. I was so immersed in the game that I lost track of time—imagine that! When I heard her returning, I glanced at my watch and realized that I had been playing the game for nearly two hours! Of course I didn’t want my wife to see me still playing the game so I quickly stuffed it under my chair and grabbed a book. As I sat there, a stabbing question penetrated my charade: “What are you doing, you big phony?!”

During the early years of my marriage I was asked by friends if I was surprised by what I learned about Cathy that I hadn't known before we were married. I said: “Yes, but not nearly as surprised as what I learned about myself.” It is in the everyday interactions of marriage that we see our true selves. Our mates “are mirrors in which we are constrained to see ourselves, not as we would like to be, but as we are.” Sadly, many people run from one mirror to another, not realizing that they are running from themselves as much as they are running from their spouse.