Forgiveness: Part 4

“Forgiveness Doesn’t Whitewash Sin”

Even though Joseph knew that God had used his brothers’ sin to do good, Joseph did not disinfect their sin: You meant evil against me; but God meant it for good. Though Joseph came to understand that God had used his tragedies for good, he was under no illusion that his brothers’ actions were anything but evil. When someone has truly abused you it is important that you don’t sanitize their sin: “Oh, that’s no big deal.” You will never be able to forgive until you have analyzed and acknowledged the full scope of your brother’s sin. (Your analysis may determine that the offense wasn’t as great as you thought it was.)

Nor does a whitewash help the sinner--Joseph’s brothers needed God’s forgiveness even more than their brother’s. Walter Wangerin explains: “It may seem saintly for the wounded party to suffer his pain in silence, and it is surely easier to keep the silence than risk opening wounds; but ... it encourages no change in the sinner.” If I mute your sin and say nothing about it, it may prevent you from dealing with your sin before a Holy God. Jesus told me to remove the tree from my eye so that I can help my brother remove the irritating speck from his eye. Without my truthful but gracious words, the speck might remain.

Furthermore, even though Joseph forgave his brothers and invited them to live near him, forgiveness and reconciliation are separate matters. (The games Joseph played with his grain-seeking brothers may have been designed to see whether he could live near them. Had they changed during the past 20 years?) A wife whose husband has been abusive must forgive him. But it may not be wise to let him back into the house--not all abusers should get their jobs back.

It takes wisdom to know when and how reconciliation should be pursued. Otherwise, the forgiver may simply become a doormat.

Forgiveness: Part 3

“God’s Good Work”

Joseph was enslaved, slandered, imprisoned, and abandoned because of the jealous hatred of his brothers. What had he done to deserve such cruelty? He was merely a spoiled brat who took advantage of his position as Dad's favorite.

But now that his grain-seeking brothers had come to Egypt, he had the opportunity to avenge their wickedness. Joseph eventually chose not to seek revenge. Why not? When Joseph first revealed himself as his brothers' long-lost sibling, three times (Gen.45:4-8) he emphasized God’s baffling control over evil circumstances:

It was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.
God sent me ahead of you to preserve a remnant for you.
It was not you who sent me here, but God.

“God sent me.... God sent me.... God sent me.” Sinful human will combined mysteriously with divine will to save Jacob’s family from a greater tragedy.

Were Joseph’s brothers, then, merely puppets in the hands of an all-powerful God? Were they truly free or under God’s control? The problem is that the Bible doesn’t cast this question in either/or, but in both/and. Man is free and God is in control. How can these both be true? I don’t know. But Joseph could forgive because he saw God bring good from his brothers’ evil.

It may take a long time before we see God’s fingerprints in our suffering. Joseph had no idea why he suffered all those years. But when he watched his brothers bow at his feet, he “remembered his dreams.” What dreams? The dreams of his brothers’ obeisance. (And the dreams his brothers found so offensive.) But now he knew that those dreams had been sent by God. He now knew that God had foreseen these events long ago. He now knew that this whole experience was somehow a part of God’s greater plans.

Many times we must forgive before we discern the good that God will bring from the hurt. Only our faith sustains us, knowing that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” If you were sexually abused as a child, God will bring good out of that evil. If you were ignored by a self-absorbed father, God will bring good out of that evil. If you lost your job because a co-worker spitefully and secretly attacked you, God will bring good out of that evil. If a brother cheated you out of your inheritance, God will bring good out of that evil. We serve a God who is bigger than any sin and who will provide everything we truly need to live a joyously productive Christian life.

Forgiveness: Part 2

“The Reluctance to Forgive"

When a famine in Canaan became severe, Jacob was forced to send ten of his sons to Egypt to buy life-sustaining grain. (Benjamin, the new favorite, stayed home.) When they arrived, they were given an audience with the architect of Egypt’s surplus of grain. What a twist of fate! The man was none other than their brother, Joseph. When the brothers stood before Joseph, they didn’t recognize an older, Eyptianized Joseph. But Joseph recognized them immediately.

Put yourself in Joseph’s shoes. These are the brothers who conspired to destroy you. Their cruelty was the cause of incredible suffering--sold to slave traders, re-sold to an Egyptian official, falsely accused of rape, imprisoned for that charge, and more. But now your day has come. You have the opportunity and authority to grind these bullies to a pulp. What will you do?

Joseph didn’t seem to know what to do with them so “he pretended to be a stranger and spoke harshly to them.” He accused them of spying and threw them all in prison. Then he released all but Simeon, warning them that Simeon would only be released if they returned with their brother Benjamin. Was Joseph toying with them? punishing them?

The Bible is not like bedtime fairy tales which offer simple problems and simple solutions. Forgiveness for deep hurts is seldom swift or simple—and it wasn’t for Joseph. Why? Because forgiveness often feels like we are letting people get away with something. Joseph didn’t want his brothers “to admit [they] made a mistake, flip an apology in [his] direction like a fifty-cent gratuity, and go on as if [they] had done nothing worse than burping before dessert.”

Like Joseph, we may want others to feel some of our pain:

• The wife who bitterly complains to her husband about his work schedule, knowing that her nagging bothers him. She wants him to share the pain that she and the kids experience from his absence.
• The sharp-tongued co-worker who hangs on to the dagger of bitterness so that he can stick it into his lazy workmate who won’t carry his load.
• A brother who frequently recounts the cruel deeds of an older brother, hoping to embarrass the brother who caused him so much agony as a child.

If we are honest, we often enjoy tormenting those who have tormented us.

Forgiveness: The Only Remedy

Imagine growing up in a large family--you had eleven brothers. But one of your brothers was Dad’s favorite. On one occasion your joyous Dad came home with a brand new, expensive leather coat for the favorite. But then Dad herded the rest of you to Goodwill to pick out your used, winter coats. Now Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, ... and he made him a richly ornamented robe for him. As a result, you developed ill feelings toward this brother who strutted around the house in his special coat. When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him. Now your brother not only flaunted his possession, but he also boasted about his special position. Listen to this dream I had: We were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it. Your brother’s arrogance created a growing, smoldering anger in you and your siblings. And they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said.

Many of us have been deeply wounded by the sins and insensitivity of others. Some of those painful memories hit us with the “blunt impact of a sledgehammer, with enough force to knock [us] loose from the present.” As a result, we would be willing to trade “almost anything for a magic sponge to wipe just a few moments off the tables of time.”

The only way to remove this “nettle in our memory” is through “a surgical procedure called forgiveness. It is not as though forgiving is the remedy of choice among other options. It is the only remedy.” Over the next several posts I plan to use the story of Joseph and his brothers to discuss forgiveness--the only cure for broken hearts.

As the story of Joseph reveals, the abuses in relationships are seldom one-sided. Dad committed the sin of favoritism (which he learned at his mother’s knee) and the sin of indifference (he made feeble attempts to resolve these conflicts). Joseph sinned by flaunting his role as the favorite. Joseph’s brothers sinned by nursing a hatred of Joseph.

All of this produced a cauldron of animosity and bitterness which boiled over into violence. Joseph, who was the most privileged, became the most abused. Thus, this is primarily a story about how he came to forgive his brothers.

Perfect Kids, Part 2

Near the end of Jesus’ ministry two of his disciples came to him with an urgent request. But before they made their request they wanted Jesus to pledge that he would grant their request. Now real­ly--how gullible did they think he was?! How would you respond if your child said: "I have something I desperately want. But before I make my request, you have to promise to give it to me." You would laugh into next year. Even so, Jesus asked them what they wanted: “Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory.”

Now put yourself in Jesus’ shoes--you have been with these disciples for 2-3 years, coaching, cajoling, correcting, caring for them. These are the men you chose to carry your eternal message to the ends of the earth. And this childish request came only a few days after Jesus caught the Twelve arguing about who was the greatest among them. Ugh! My response would have been: “You want, what?! Have you learned nothing you bumbling idiots?! How many times have I told you that it is servants who are the greatest in God’s kingdom?!”

But this wasn't Jesus' method. He quietly gathered them around him, gently explaining, again, that this was not how things would be. Though their attitudes were normal among worldly people, he softly and simply reproached them: “Not so with you.” Unfortunately, there is little of this grace in many Christian homes. These parents bark out correction like a hard-nosed CEO: "Cut that out!" "Stop that!" "Don't you ever say that again!” "Can't you ever do anything right?"

Though we obviously can’t abandon standards, we must periodically review those standards. Is it reasonable for

· a 5 year-old to keep his room as spotless as an adult's?
· siblings to always remember to be quiet while the baby sleeps?
· a teen to be home before his curfew 100% of the time?
· a child to never whine about her chores?

Maturity is a slow, snail-like process that needs nurturing.

Faltering kids need gracious and consistent correction. When your exhausted toddler refuses to pick up his toys he may need your help more than he needs a spanking. When a 5 year-old hits his sister because she won’t share her treat, it may be sufficient to remind him that he can’t treat his sister that way. When your angry teen shouts, "You never let me do anything!", the best response may be: "Please change your tone of voice so we can talk about this calmly."

Imperfection is a part of being human. But our response to these imperfections will help or hinder our kids’ progress toward maturity.

"Perfect Kids, Part 1"

Over ten years ago, I wrote:

Though I have been a Christian for over 20 years, I must confess that there are stubborn sins that tenaciously hang on despite laboring with God to remove them. A few of my many short-comings include:

· My compliments are about as frequent as July snow.
· I forget appointments as I am driving to them!
· I make suggestions sound like com­mands.
· I groundlessly justify myself when I should simply apologize.


I won't bore you or embarrass you with a total list of my defects, but you get the point. Am I discouraged by my failings? At times. But normally my flaws don’t crush me because I know that imperfection is a part of being human. As the saying goes, no one is perfect.

So with this insight into human nature, what kind of expec­tations do I have of my three teenage boys? I expect them to ALWAYS remember my instructions. I expect them to speak gracious­ly in ALL circumstances to their brothers. I expect them to ALWAYS be attentive when I speak to them. I expect them NEVER to use their fists to settle an argument. I expect them to NEVER make fun of another child. I expect them to be ALWAYS respectful of me as their father. I expect them to NEVER become angry during a family discussion. And when they fail to meet these "reasona­ble" standards, I bellow at their infirmities: "I am sick and
tired of you talking to your brother like that. Cut it out!"

Before Cathy and I had children, we read several books about parenting. It didn't sound too difficult--we would be perfect parents; our kids would be perfect children. Right? Wrong! Our expectations crashed into reality. And after nearly 2 decades of parenting, we still frequently LOWER our expectations of our boys. They won't always be respectful. They won't always be gracious. They won't always remember their responsibilities. As I hope others will be patient with my failings, I also need to be patient with my children’s failings.

Surviving Our Troubles: First Responses

Impatience may be our most defining national trait. We borrow against future income. We run red lights to save 30 seconds. We fret if a church service runs a few minutes late.

But we aren’t alone. The Israelites were impatient to remove the threat of the violent Assyrians. As a result, their diplomats scurried south to make an alliance with the Egyptians, the only other Super Power. But God was not pleased:

"Woe to the obstinate children," declares the Lord,
to those who carry out plans that are not mine,
forming an alliance, but not by my Spirit,
who go down to Egypt without consulting me;
who look for help to Pharaoh's protection,
... but do not look to the Holy One of Israel,
or seek help from the Lord.

Why is my natural response in large and small storms to seek my own counsel first? Why do I wait until the Egyptians disappoint me before I turn to God?

As I was writing this post I became frustrated with how it was being expressed—and then remembered that I had been struggling with words rather than depending on the Word! Amazing--even when I write about dependence I find it difficult to depend.

Rather than rushing to correct a child with a bad attitude, rather than taking the first job offered after being fired, rather than whining to others about how a best friend hurt us, rather than bolting to a new church when a pastor disappoints us, our first response should always be to turn to God.

The great news is that we have a Father who is committed to guiding us down life’s bumpy roads:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. (Prov.3:3,4)