Forgiveness: Part 7

John and Diane were close friends of ours who shared numerous family vacations with us when our kids were young. Though we saw tension in their marriage we didn’t think it was anything fatal and were shocked when John moved out of his home and eventually asked for a divorce. He had become involved with another woman and eventually married her.

Some years later we were with Diane for a few days and we asked her what she had learned about forgiveness. She explained that she had had to learn how to forgive John again and again and again. When she was lonely, she had to forgive him for deserting her. When she struggled financially, she had to forgive him for not providing security for her. When they struggled with issues related to their children, she had to forgive him for destroying the family unity.

Forgiveness is not a once-for-all-time event. It is a state which must be maintained. When Joseph’s brothers came trembling to him when their dad died, fearful that Joseph’s forgiveness had been a sham to please Dad, Joseph repeated his enduring perspective: “God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Every time Joseph was tempted to become bitter for his lost years or his lost family life or his lost innocence, he probably repeated to himself: “God intended it for good.”

Therefore, to maintain our forgiveness we must be very careful how we view the past. David Augsburger explains: “You may recall the hurt but you may not relive it. No constant reviewing, no rehashing of the old hurt, no going back to sit on the old gravestones where past grievances lie buried.” There is no indication that Joseph ever relived the day he was thrown into the pit or the day he was sold as a slave or the day he was thrown into the dungeon. Instead, he diligently performed his God-given tasks--whether it was serving a prison warden or the Pharaoh.

Forgiveness, especially for life’s deepest hurts, is “a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey.” May God give us the strength and grace to forgive “seventy times seven.”

Forgiveness, Part 6

“The Cost of Unforgiveness”

As I have meditated on Joseph’s life, I have wondered, When did he forgive his brothers? Though not stated explicitly, I think it happened early in Joseph’s trials. Why do I believe this? Because the fruit of unforgiveness would have prevented him from successfully serving Potiphar, the prison warden, and Pharaoh.

I have a friend named Jeff who for the last 40 years has lived an unstable, alcohol-dependent life. During one of our conversations, my slightly drunk friend became riled when the subject of his dad came up. He yelled: “And when I was in 8th grade he bought me right-handed golf clubs!” Left-handed Jeff has let that bitter memory drip poison into his life for over 40 years! Does time heal wounds? Only when it is combined with forgiveness.

How many of you would willingly let the person who has hurt you do it again? Would Joseph have wanted his brothers to throw him in a pit, threaten to kill him, and sell him again into slavery? Heaven forbid! But Jeff is letting his father continue to abuse him in his memories. If Jeff doesn’t learn how to forgive, his dad will keep abusing him – even after Dad is dead!

Reliving painful memories corrodes our strength for daily living. As Jesus said, “Each day has enough trouble of its own.” If I relive yesterday’s trouble, I won’t have the strength for today’s trouble.

Unforgiveness, then, is simply too costly to me: “Hatred is self-destructive. It is cheaper to pardon than to resent. The high cost of anger, the extravagant expense of hatred, and the unreasonable interest on grudges make resentment out of the question!”

Forgiveness: Part 5

“Defining Forgiveness”

When Donald Trump called Rosie O’Donnell a “low-life” and a “mental midget”, what would it mean for Rosie to forgive Donald? (Understand—this is completely hypothetical!) The primary New Testament word for forgiveness means literally to “release” or “let go”. In the same way that Joseph relinquished his opportunities to punish his brothers, Rosie would have to give up her verbal counterattacks (no more comparing Don to a “snake oil salesman.”)

And this desire to return evil for evil, must be relinquished again and again. Throughout the rest of Joseph’s life, he never brought up his brothers’ sin again. In fact, many years after their reconciliation, the brothers dredged up the past when Dad died. They were afraid that Joseph had only been waiting for Jacob’s death. But Joseph still would not blame them, clinging to his enduring conviction that “God intended it for good.” And when they offered themselves as his slaves, Joseph turned them down. Complete forgiveness releases the offending person from any obligations. Joseph asked for no apologies, no reformation, no restitution. Forgiveness steps “outside the systems of law” and steps “into the world of mercy.”

If there is no God, then Rosie and Donald should exact a pound or two of flesh. But Joseph believed in a different sort of justice. When his brothers expressed fear of retaliation, he asked: “Am I in the place of God?” When he forgave, he was releasing his brothers to the True Judge who will give to each person “what is due him for things done in the body.”

Jay Adams has written that when I forgive, I am making three promises:

I will not bring the matter up to you.
I will not bring the matter up to others.
I will not bring the matter up to myself.

Trump and O’Donnell have repeatedly broken all three of these promises. (It’s sad to watch two adults humiliate themselves in such a public brawl.) Adams’ last promise—to not bring the matter up to myself—is the basis of the other two. When I don’t hold onto bitter memories, I won’t use my tongue to hurt you or your name.

“We Three(?) Kings(?) of Orient(?) ...”

... so the beloved Christmas carol begins. Unfortunately, the opening line has at least three historical errors. First, we don’t know the number of men. Second, they weren’t kings. And third, they didn’t travel from the Orient!

Who were these mysterious travelers? And what does their presence mean to the Christmas story? These travelers were “magi”. They were apparently from Mesopotamia or Persia (present day Iraq) and were “priest-sages, extremely well educated for their day, were specialists in medicine, religion, astronomy, astrology, divination, and magic.” Since these practices were strictly forbidden in the Old Testament (Deut.18:11), what are they doing in one of the most holy events in all of history?!

Their testimony (which created quite a stir in Jerusalem) was that they were looking for “the one who has been born king of the Jews” and had come to “worship him.” Wow! How did they get so right what most of God’s people got so wrong? Since these pagan worshipers were genuinely seeking the Truth, God used what they knew (the stars) to guide them to Him.

As I share the gospel with non-Christians, I frequently encourage them to ask God if my message is true or not. If there is a God who truly cares about people finding Him, then he will reveal truth to genuine seekers. Our job, then, isn’t so much to convince people that Jesus is their savior as it is get them to become seekers like the magi. If the Christmas story is true, then God will bring them to the Truth in his time and his way.

The presence of the Magi reminds us that the gospel is for the whole world. Christ came to preach peace to those who were “far away and peace to those who were near.” And sometimes the furthest, the most unlikely are the ones who find the true peace that Jesus offers.

Merry Christmas!

Forgiveness: Part 4

“Forgiveness Doesn’t Whitewash Sin”

Even though Joseph knew that God had used his brothers’ sin to do good, Joseph did not disinfect their sin: You meant evil against me; but God meant it for good. Though Joseph came to understand that God had used his tragedies for good, he was under no illusion that his brothers’ actions were anything but evil. When someone has truly abused you it is important that you don’t sanitize their sin: “Oh, that’s no big deal.” You will never be able to forgive until you have analyzed and acknowledged the full scope of your brother’s sin. (Your analysis may determine that the offense wasn’t as great as you thought it was.)

Nor does a whitewash help the sinner--Joseph’s brothers needed God’s forgiveness even more than their brother’s. Walter Wangerin explains: “It may seem saintly for the wounded party to suffer his pain in silence, and it is surely easier to keep the silence than risk opening wounds; but ... it encourages no change in the sinner.” If I mute your sin and say nothing about it, it may prevent you from dealing with your sin before a Holy God. Jesus told me to remove the tree from my eye so that I can help my brother remove the irritating speck from his eye. Without my truthful but gracious words, the speck might remain.

Furthermore, even though Joseph forgave his brothers and invited them to live near him, forgiveness and reconciliation are separate matters. (The games Joseph played with his grain-seeking brothers may have been designed to see whether he could live near them. Had they changed during the past 20 years?) A wife whose husband has been abusive must forgive him. But it may not be wise to let him back into the house--not all abusers should get their jobs back.

It takes wisdom to know when and how reconciliation should be pursued. Otherwise, the forgiver may simply become a doormat.

Forgiveness: Part 3

“God’s Good Work”

Joseph was enslaved, slandered, imprisoned, and abandoned because of the jealous hatred of his brothers. What had he done to deserve such cruelty? He was merely a spoiled brat who took advantage of his position as Dad's favorite.

But now that his grain-seeking brothers had come to Egypt, he had the opportunity to avenge their wickedness. Joseph eventually chose not to seek revenge. Why not? When Joseph first revealed himself as his brothers' long-lost sibling, three times (Gen.45:4-8) he emphasized God’s baffling control over evil circumstances:

It was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.
God sent me ahead of you to preserve a remnant for you.
It was not you who sent me here, but God.

“God sent me.... God sent me.... God sent me.” Sinful human will combined mysteriously with divine will to save Jacob’s family from a greater tragedy.

Were Joseph’s brothers, then, merely puppets in the hands of an all-powerful God? Were they truly free or under God’s control? The problem is that the Bible doesn’t cast this question in either/or, but in both/and. Man is free and God is in control. How can these both be true? I don’t know. But Joseph could forgive because he saw God bring good from his brothers’ evil.

It may take a long time before we see God’s fingerprints in our suffering. Joseph had no idea why he suffered all those years. But when he watched his brothers bow at his feet, he “remembered his dreams.” What dreams? The dreams of his brothers’ obeisance. (And the dreams his brothers found so offensive.) But now he knew that those dreams had been sent by God. He now knew that God had foreseen these events long ago. He now knew that this whole experience was somehow a part of God’s greater plans.

Many times we must forgive before we discern the good that God will bring from the hurt. Only our faith sustains us, knowing that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” If you were sexually abused as a child, God will bring good out of that evil. If you were ignored by a self-absorbed father, God will bring good out of that evil. If you lost your job because a co-worker spitefully and secretly attacked you, God will bring good out of that evil. If a brother cheated you out of your inheritance, God will bring good out of that evil. We serve a God who is bigger than any sin and who will provide everything we truly need to live a joyously productive Christian life.

Forgiveness: Part 2

“The Reluctance to Forgive"

When a famine in Canaan became severe, Jacob was forced to send ten of his sons to Egypt to buy life-sustaining grain. (Benjamin, the new favorite, stayed home.) When they arrived, they were given an audience with the architect of Egypt’s surplus of grain. What a twist of fate! The man was none other than their brother, Joseph. When the brothers stood before Joseph, they didn’t recognize an older, Eyptianized Joseph. But Joseph recognized them immediately.

Put yourself in Joseph’s shoes. These are the brothers who conspired to destroy you. Their cruelty was the cause of incredible suffering--sold to slave traders, re-sold to an Egyptian official, falsely accused of rape, imprisoned for that charge, and more. But now your day has come. You have the opportunity and authority to grind these bullies to a pulp. What will you do?

Joseph didn’t seem to know what to do with them so “he pretended to be a stranger and spoke harshly to them.” He accused them of spying and threw them all in prison. Then he released all but Simeon, warning them that Simeon would only be released if they returned with their brother Benjamin. Was Joseph toying with them? punishing them?

The Bible is not like bedtime fairy tales which offer simple problems and simple solutions. Forgiveness for deep hurts is seldom swift or simple—and it wasn’t for Joseph. Why? Because forgiveness often feels like we are letting people get away with something. Joseph didn’t want his brothers “to admit [they] made a mistake, flip an apology in [his] direction like a fifty-cent gratuity, and go on as if [they] had done nothing worse than burping before dessert.”

Like Joseph, we may want others to feel some of our pain:

• The wife who bitterly complains to her husband about his work schedule, knowing that her nagging bothers him. She wants him to share the pain that she and the kids experience from his absence.
• The sharp-tongued co-worker who hangs on to the dagger of bitterness so that he can stick it into his lazy workmate who won’t carry his load.
• A brother who frequently recounts the cruel deeds of an older brother, hoping to embarrass the brother who caused him so much agony as a child.

If we are honest, we often enjoy tormenting those who have tormented us.