Sports for Your Unathletic Child
A clumsy child may find a walk through the house as dangerous as a walk through a mine field. It may be even more perilous for him to step onto a ball field where winners are praised and losers are ignored or berated. So, should unathletic children avoid sports? Not at all. Positive sports experiences can encourage a lifelong commitment to exercise, while also providing opportunities for fun and fellowship.
What can a parent do to encourage positive experiences for their athletically challenged child? First, take great care in selecting a sport. Avoid programs that place a heavy emphasis on winning or that don’t give each child an ample opportunity to play.
Second, you must be realistic. Admit that your child will never be a star. But he can still enjoy sports. When our son, Andrew, was seven years old, he had a boy on his soccer team who was dreadfully uncoordinated and equally unaggressive. But that child was blessed with a coach and a father who praised him for his effort and his determination. As a result, he loved soccer and played for several years.
Thirdly, be careful how you treat this child in comparison to how you treat his siblings. Dr. Chap Clark, who has authored several books on parenting, recounted a painful mistake he made with his boys. His first son was an immediate success on the soccer field, scoring a goal almost every game. Chap wanted to reward his son for his good play, so he took him for a post-game milkshake anytime he scored. But Chap’s second son wasn’t as talented as his older brother. Chap explained what happened: Somewhere near the end of his second year of soccer, I noticed a tear slip down his cheek as we drove by McDonald’s: “I guess I’ll never get a milkshake, huh, Dad?” Even as I type this, I feel myself withering on the inside. With every fiber of my being I wanted the best for my boy and to be his fan and encourager. It simply never occurred to me that rewarding one son ... would have such a painful impact on the other son.
Clark also believes that the reward of the milkshake sent both boys the wrong message. Sports for young athletes is about relationships and activity and fun. The milkshake had made it about scoring goals.
Finally, practice is essential for the unathletic child. Because he doesn’t have much natural talent, he will need to develop skills as a result of his own hard work. A parent can help by being available to play catch or pitch a baseball or retrieve a soccer ball.
2009/04/30
Guiding Children's Participation, Part 3
Build Confidence Through Praise
The Apostle Paul’s encouragement to young Christians provides a good model for how to build up our children: We instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living. Now, we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more. Paul’s strategy to stimulate further growth was to build on their successes. They had made a good start in pleasing God, but he wanted them to do so more and more.
The same principle should be used in praising our child athletes. If your daughter lacks some aggressiveness on the basketball court, don’t whine about her lack of intensity. Commend her for the time she battled for and snared a rebound. If your son made an error in a baseball game, talk about a good defensive play that he made—“You did a great job gauging the wind on that pop fly that you caught in the 2nd inning. Not many fifth-graders could make that play!”
Some parents withhold praise because they think it will give their child a “big head”. But most often, the braggart’s self-praise is a vain attempt to fill his need for approval. If you don’t praise him, he will praise himself.
But be careful--you can praise your child too much. Such “junk praise” is not worth much and it may seriously mislead him—which seems to be the case with many contestants on American Idol: "The less-than-skilled singers auditioning for American Idol is as staggering as it is sad. Simon Cowell, one of the judges on the show, has gained a reputation as being the “mean old bad guy” because he tells people the truth: some of them simply can’t sing. The fact that they’ve never been told this for fear of hurting their feelings is a troubling commentary on what we value today. "
When your child plays poorly, don’t falsely praise him by slapping him on the back and saying: “Good job!” He knows better and will resent your good-willed lie. At some point, your child may need to hear: “Tom, you’re a better basketball player than soccer player. Maybe you would like to put more time into developing your basketball skills.” Or, when a child moans about a poor performance, it might be appropriate to say, “I think you’re not improving because you have slacked off on your practice.”
For a child to be successful in the adult world, he needs to be able to discern his strengths and weaknesses, where he is gifted and not gifted. When parents offer too much approval and enthusiasm for anything and everything their child does, it disrupts the child’s growing ability to discern the truth about himself.
The Apostle Paul’s encouragement to young Christians provides a good model for how to build up our children: We instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living. Now, we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more. Paul’s strategy to stimulate further growth was to build on their successes. They had made a good start in pleasing God, but he wanted them to do so more and more.
The same principle should be used in praising our child athletes. If your daughter lacks some aggressiveness on the basketball court, don’t whine about her lack of intensity. Commend her for the time she battled for and snared a rebound. If your son made an error in a baseball game, talk about a good defensive play that he made—“You did a great job gauging the wind on that pop fly that you caught in the 2nd inning. Not many fifth-graders could make that play!”
Some parents withhold praise because they think it will give their child a “big head”. But most often, the braggart’s self-praise is a vain attempt to fill his need for approval. If you don’t praise him, he will praise himself.
But be careful--you can praise your child too much. Such “junk praise” is not worth much and it may seriously mislead him—which seems to be the case with many contestants on American Idol: "The less-than-skilled singers auditioning for American Idol is as staggering as it is sad. Simon Cowell, one of the judges on the show, has gained a reputation as being the “mean old bad guy” because he tells people the truth: some of them simply can’t sing. The fact that they’ve never been told this for fear of hurting their feelings is a troubling commentary on what we value today. "
When your child plays poorly, don’t falsely praise him by slapping him on the back and saying: “Good job!” He knows better and will resent your good-willed lie. At some point, your child may need to hear: “Tom, you’re a better basketball player than soccer player. Maybe you would like to put more time into developing your basketball skills.” Or, when a child moans about a poor performance, it might be appropriate to say, “I think you’re not improving because you have slacked off on your practice.”
For a child to be successful in the adult world, he needs to be able to discern his strengths and weaknesses, where he is gifted and not gifted. When parents offer too much approval and enthusiasm for anything and everything their child does, it disrupts the child’s growing ability to discern the truth about himself.
2009/03/18
Guiding Children's Participation, Part 2
The Cult of Winning
Don Simpson, one of the producers of the very popular Tom Cruise movie, Top Gun, said that he and his co-producer, Jerry Bruckheimer “side with the winners; we aren’t interested in the losers—they’re boring to us.” These filmmakers only reflect the predominant cultural view: you are hero if you win and a bum if you lose. And research has demonstrated that kids believe this lie--they think winners are better people!
When the culture worships winners, it stresses our kids. Psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler in her extensive work among teens has found that it “does not matter whether I am speaking with middle school or high school students, whether they come from urban areas or privileged suburban neighborhoods, or whether I am meeting with teens in focus groups or consulting privately with them in my office—almost without exception they tell me that they feel stressed by pressures to excel.”
This pressure to excel has been particularly hard on many girls who report being “totally stressed-out,” “overwhelmed,” and “completely exhausted.” Because the bar is set so high, many of them believe that to be successful they have to be extraordinary. “These teens think that besides acing every subject, they must also star in their school plays, shine in music, excel athletically, be popular, and win awards.”
The U.S.A.’s top marathoner, Ryan Hall, was almost a casualty to these pressures. Hall set very high goals for himself in running. But his “obsession” to make the 2004 Olympic Team, led to burn out. Some mornings he could barely get out of bed. He would “try desperately to go for a run, only to get 800 yards, give up and walk back home.” Hall explained: “There wasn’t anything wrong with my body; I was just emotionally and spiritually wrecked.” When he changed his goal to being faithful to God, he found freedom and greater “success”. He told God: “Whatever you want to do with it, do it. If you want to take me to the Olympics, great. If You don’t, that’s great, too.” Running became a delight again because he had the “freedom to not have to achieve something—to be able to just go out and do it for the love of doing it.”
Like Ryan Hall, our son wanted to be successful. (See previous post.) But he had to learn that in God’s world, he is successful when he is faithful: “It is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.” He was successful when he worked hard in practice, when he practiced on his own, when he didn’t grumble about the coach’s decisions, when he cheered his teammates (even the one playing ahead of him!). We reminded him that his performance might not look significant in the team’s season-ending statistics, but that God keeps a different set of books!
Don Simpson, one of the producers of the very popular Tom Cruise movie, Top Gun, said that he and his co-producer, Jerry Bruckheimer “side with the winners; we aren’t interested in the losers—they’re boring to us.” These filmmakers only reflect the predominant cultural view: you are hero if you win and a bum if you lose. And research has demonstrated that kids believe this lie--they think winners are better people!
When the culture worships winners, it stresses our kids. Psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler in her extensive work among teens has found that it “does not matter whether I am speaking with middle school or high school students, whether they come from urban areas or privileged suburban neighborhoods, or whether I am meeting with teens in focus groups or consulting privately with them in my office—almost without exception they tell me that they feel stressed by pressures to excel.”
This pressure to excel has been particularly hard on many girls who report being “totally stressed-out,” “overwhelmed,” and “completely exhausted.” Because the bar is set so high, many of them believe that to be successful they have to be extraordinary. “These teens think that besides acing every subject, they must also star in their school plays, shine in music, excel athletically, be popular, and win awards.”
The U.S.A.’s top marathoner, Ryan Hall, was almost a casualty to these pressures. Hall set very high goals for himself in running. But his “obsession” to make the 2004 Olympic Team, led to burn out. Some mornings he could barely get out of bed. He would “try desperately to go for a run, only to get 800 yards, give up and walk back home.” Hall explained: “There wasn’t anything wrong with my body; I was just emotionally and spiritually wrecked.” When he changed his goal to being faithful to God, he found freedom and greater “success”. He told God: “Whatever you want to do with it, do it. If you want to take me to the Olympics, great. If You don’t, that’s great, too.” Running became a delight again because he had the “freedom to not have to achieve something—to be able to just go out and do it for the love of doing it.”
Like Ryan Hall, our son wanted to be successful. (See previous post.) But he had to learn that in God’s world, he is successful when he is faithful: “It is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.” He was successful when he worked hard in practice, when he practiced on his own, when he didn’t grumble about the coach’s decisions, when he cheered his teammates (even the one playing ahead of him!). We reminded him that his performance might not look significant in the team’s season-ending statistics, but that God keeps a different set of books!
2009/02/18
Guiding Children's Participation, Part 1
“The Success of Failure”
When one of our sons was a junior in high school he played behind a boy on his basketball team who wasn’t nearly as talented as our son. (This wasn’t just a parental prejudice! Even a college coach made the same judgment). After one of his games in which he played little, he grumbled: “I work hard, practice extra, play well when I’m in the game, but get little playing time. Other guys never do any extra practicing, play O.K. to poorly, and get lots of playing time. I’m not sure I want to play next year.” Our discouraged son needed help.
The ability to interpret life accurately is fundamental to maturity. People are not shaped as much by their circumstances, as they are by their interpretation of those circumstances. Initially, we helped him see that his extra practice had paid off—he was leading the team in field goal percentage. Furthermore, we asked him to consider God’s purpose in all of this. Was God teaching him how to be content “in all circumstances”? to love his teammates? to trust God for his playing time? We prayed together that God would help him respond properly to the situation and that he would get an opportunity to play more significantly.
That opportunity came a few games later when one of the starters was out with an injury. We asked several people to pray for our son. We again prayed as a family. The result? He played little and poorly. Did God answer our prayers? Definitely! But not the way we had anticipated. Our deepest longings were that our son would learn how to walk with God. As a result of his poor performance, he went to his closet and dug out some information he had received at a Fellowship of Christian Athletes’ camp about how to deal with adversity. Studying that material helped him accept his situation. Our son was learning to connect with God in his pain.
As the season continued, our son had highs (e.g., a critical role in a district final win--10 points, 4 assists, 0 turnovers) and lows (e.g., little playing time during state tournament games). But he was learning (again and again!) to tell himself to put his hope in God, not in his circumstances: “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him.” (Ps.42:5). If the source of a child athlete’s happiness is praise or playing time or plaques, he will experience a great deal of unhappiness. Athletic success can never fill up a soul.
One observer of children’s development has written that maturity “grows primarily through overcoming adversity,” by which she meant “circumstances or events that oppose your desires, wishes, or ideals.” Sitting on the bench was definitely in opposition to our son’s desires or ideals! But our son’s “failure” became the basis of his “success”—he grew in ways that would not have happened had he been a consistent starter.
When one of our sons was a junior in high school he played behind a boy on his basketball team who wasn’t nearly as talented as our son. (This wasn’t just a parental prejudice! Even a college coach made the same judgment). After one of his games in which he played little, he grumbled: “I work hard, practice extra, play well when I’m in the game, but get little playing time. Other guys never do any extra practicing, play O.K. to poorly, and get lots of playing time. I’m not sure I want to play next year.” Our discouraged son needed help.
The ability to interpret life accurately is fundamental to maturity. People are not shaped as much by their circumstances, as they are by their interpretation of those circumstances. Initially, we helped him see that his extra practice had paid off—he was leading the team in field goal percentage. Furthermore, we asked him to consider God’s purpose in all of this. Was God teaching him how to be content “in all circumstances”? to love his teammates? to trust God for his playing time? We prayed together that God would help him respond properly to the situation and that he would get an opportunity to play more significantly.
That opportunity came a few games later when one of the starters was out with an injury. We asked several people to pray for our son. We again prayed as a family. The result? He played little and poorly. Did God answer our prayers? Definitely! But not the way we had anticipated. Our deepest longings were that our son would learn how to walk with God. As a result of his poor performance, he went to his closet and dug out some information he had received at a Fellowship of Christian Athletes’ camp about how to deal with adversity. Studying that material helped him accept his situation. Our son was learning to connect with God in his pain.
As the season continued, our son had highs (e.g., a critical role in a district final win--10 points, 4 assists, 0 turnovers) and lows (e.g., little playing time during state tournament games). But he was learning (again and again!) to tell himself to put his hope in God, not in his circumstances: “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him.” (Ps.42:5). If the source of a child athlete’s happiness is praise or playing time or plaques, he will experience a great deal of unhappiness. Athletic success can never fill up a soul.
One observer of children’s development has written that maturity “grows primarily through overcoming adversity,” by which she meant “circumstances or events that oppose your desires, wishes, or ideals.” Sitting on the bench was definitely in opposition to our son’s desires or ideals! But our son’s “failure” became the basis of his “success”—he grew in ways that would not have happened had he been a consistent starter.
2009/01/07
The Weaknesses of Children's Sports, Part 3
The Problem of Comparisons
Most Americans agree with former President Gerald Ford who believed that “there are few things more important to a country’s growth and well-being than competitive athletics.” But is competitive athletics an unqualified blessing for all children? Unfortunately not.
Sports repeatedly expose children to comparisons, revealing who can throw farther, kick harder, run faster, score more points, etc. One sports psychologist believes these constant comparisons can be especially damaging to the child who frequently ends up on the bottom: The important point is that many children engage in intense competition over extended periods of time with similar consequences being repeated over and over again. It is this repetition that makes developmental considerations relevant. Childhood is a time in which to develop the confidence of being able to do a job well. When a child regularly experiences negative comparisons, it may lead to feeling incompetent or unworthy.
Yet, you might ask, Isn’t sports just one area of a child’s life? Can’t poor performers in sports raise their confidence in other activities? Some do—but many do not. The problem is that few other activities are so observable to parents and peers. Novelist James Michener, even though he was making A’s in school, noted: I can’t recall a single instance in which any member of my community gave me any accolades for such accomplishment. In [my town] all that mattered was sports, and even today across America things are not much different.
A partial solution to the problem of comparisons is to measure a child’s performance against her past performances—the time she runs a race, the number of jumps she makes in a rope-jumping time trial, the number of times she kicks a ball in a soccer game, the number of rebounds she makes in a basketball game. If you keep individual statistics for your child, you will help her feel good when she has improved her performance.
Furthermore, the emphasis given to comparative differences will often determine how children are affected. Another sports psychologist explains: Unless you give everyone the same kind of trophy, you’re telling the loser, “You’re different from the winner.” But children know who the better ball players are. To give out trophies simply accentuates this difference. It makes the youngster who doesn’t have talent feel even less capable, and it give a distorted perspective to the child who gets the higher trophy.
Eventually children must use these comparative differences in positive ways—e.g., to push themselves to become better or to determine that their gifts lie elsewhere. In the meantime, we adults must protect the weaker athletes from being crushed by what they observe.
Most Americans agree with former President Gerald Ford who believed that “there are few things more important to a country’s growth and well-being than competitive athletics.” But is competitive athletics an unqualified blessing for all children? Unfortunately not.
Sports repeatedly expose children to comparisons, revealing who can throw farther, kick harder, run faster, score more points, etc. One sports psychologist believes these constant comparisons can be especially damaging to the child who frequently ends up on the bottom: The important point is that many children engage in intense competition over extended periods of time with similar consequences being repeated over and over again. It is this repetition that makes developmental considerations relevant. Childhood is a time in which to develop the confidence of being able to do a job well. When a child regularly experiences negative comparisons, it may lead to feeling incompetent or unworthy.
Yet, you might ask, Isn’t sports just one area of a child’s life? Can’t poor performers in sports raise their confidence in other activities? Some do—but many do not. The problem is that few other activities are so observable to parents and peers. Novelist James Michener, even though he was making A’s in school, noted: I can’t recall a single instance in which any member of my community gave me any accolades for such accomplishment. In [my town] all that mattered was sports, and even today across America things are not much different.
A partial solution to the problem of comparisons is to measure a child’s performance against her past performances—the time she runs a race, the number of jumps she makes in a rope-jumping time trial, the number of times she kicks a ball in a soccer game, the number of rebounds she makes in a basketball game. If you keep individual statistics for your child, you will help her feel good when she has improved her performance.
Furthermore, the emphasis given to comparative differences will often determine how children are affected. Another sports psychologist explains: Unless you give everyone the same kind of trophy, you’re telling the loser, “You’re different from the winner.” But children know who the better ball players are. To give out trophies simply accentuates this difference. It makes the youngster who doesn’t have talent feel even less capable, and it give a distorted perspective to the child who gets the higher trophy.
Eventually children must use these comparative differences in positive ways—e.g., to push themselves to become better or to determine that their gifts lie elsewhere. In the meantime, we adults must protect the weaker athletes from being crushed by what they observe.
2008/12/07
The Weaknesses of Children's Sports, Part 2
Ethical Compromise
The winning-is-the-only-thing attitude that pervades much of sports today will inevitably lead to ethical abuses. Willie Williams was an exceptional high school football player. He had one small problem: he had been arrested 12 times (one of those on a recruiting trip!) The University of Louisville, coached by Bobby Petrino at that time, still signed him to play for them--he was later kicked off UL’s team when he was arrested (surprise!) on a drug charge. Though Mr. Williams is one of the extreme cases, Dan Le Batard, sports columnist for the Miami Herald, concludes that you can’t win at the highest levels of a sport as savage and cutthroat as college football without compromising some of your educational mission along the way.
Educational mission? At times, those words are a joke. Jim Harrick’s final exam in “Coaching Principles” at the Univ. of Georgia--a class which included several athletes from his basketball team--included these challenging questions:
The winning-is-the-only-thing attitude that pervades much of sports today will inevitably lead to ethical abuses. Willie Williams was an exceptional high school football player. He had one small problem: he had been arrested 12 times (one of those on a recruiting trip!) The University of Louisville, coached by Bobby Petrino at that time, still signed him to play for them--he was later kicked off UL’s team when he was arrested (surprise!) on a drug charge. Though Mr. Williams is one of the extreme cases, Dan Le Batard, sports columnist for the Miami Herald, concludes that you can’t win at the highest levels of a sport as savage and cutthroat as college football without compromising some of your educational mission along the way.
Educational mission? At times, those words are a joke. Jim Harrick’s final exam in “Coaching Principles” at the Univ. of Georgia--a class which included several athletes from his basketball team--included these challenging questions:
- “How many halves are in a college basketball game?”
- “Diagram the half court line."
- “How many goals are there on a basketball court?”
- “How many players can play at a time from one team?”
Does it matter if I promise a young black man a good education but counsel him to take easy, meaningless courses to ensure his eligibility? Does it matter if I lie about my child’s age so that he can be successful among a younger group of athletes? Does it matter if a coach bends the rules so his kids can win? One youth coach witnessed the depth to which a fellow coach stooped to win: We have this must-play rule where every player is supposed to play a series every quarter. This coach worked out a scheme whereby he’d send the poor player, No.50, say, in with, say No.60. The woman who checks the subs—we call her the watchdog—checks off 50 and 60, coming in. Then as soon as 50 gets to the huddle he turns around and runs back off with the player 60 was sent in for. The watchdog wasn’t asked to check who went out, only who went in. No.50 never played. The process does matter. It matters to No.50 and to the other players who witness such deception. They are being given a Grade A lesson in the School of Winning—a school with a limited curriculum.
Christians in sports have also demonstrated an expedient ethic. We have used the witness of big-name athletes without knowing the depth of their commitment. We justify it by saying it will attract more kids to Jesus. But what happens when that athlete is arrested for a DUI? Or is seen cursing a referee? Or later confesses that his interest in religion was just a fad? How does this effect those young athletes who heard his witness? The means do matter.
2008/11/12
The Weaknesses of Children's Sports, Part 1
An Overemphasis On Winning
A friend’s 6 year-old daughter was recruited to play on a softball team. At the beginning of the season, the coaches told the girls: “The pitcher is the most important player on the team.” (How foolish! Kids instinctively know who are the most important players. Why accentuate that?) Not surprisingly, my friend’s daughter began to practice pitching. But when she had an opportunity to pitch during a scrimmage, she was so nervous that she didn’t perform well. Still, the coach promised she would pitch an inning in their first game. When her inning came, she took the mound and started warming up but the coach replaced her with another girl, explaining later: “We needed to win.” Say what?! Why did you need to win? Why was winning more important than the developing self-image of a young girl? My friend explained that even though her daughter is the best base stealer and hitter on the team, she has never gotten over her pitching "failure".
In sports today we place much too much emphasis on winning. Flip Saunders coached the Detroit Pistons for three years. During his tenure he won 70% of his games, leading his team to the conference finals three straight years. His reward for such solid coaching? He got fired after the 2008 season. Management explained: "There are no sacred cows here. You lose that sacred-cow status when you lose three straight years like this." Lose? We’re losers unless we win it all?!
Winning is not all that importnat to kids. While watching a baseball game with my son—he was about six at the time—he wanted to know why the home team didn’t get to bat in the bottom of the ninth. I thought it was obvious, but explained that since the home team was ahead, they would win the game whether they batted or not. He got a funny look on his face and said, “So what?” He thought the home team would feel cheated because they didn’t get to bat as many times as the losing team. For him, playing was paramount, winning was secondary. Surveys indicate that kids would rather play on a losing team than sit on the bench on a winning team. Those surveys indicate that kids participate in sports for the following reasons (listed in the order of their importance):
A friend’s 6 year-old daughter was recruited to play on a softball team. At the beginning of the season, the coaches told the girls: “The pitcher is the most important player on the team.” (How foolish! Kids instinctively know who are the most important players. Why accentuate that?) Not surprisingly, my friend’s daughter began to practice pitching. But when she had an opportunity to pitch during a scrimmage, she was so nervous that she didn’t perform well. Still, the coach promised she would pitch an inning in their first game. When her inning came, she took the mound and started warming up but the coach replaced her with another girl, explaining later: “We needed to win.” Say what?! Why did you need to win? Why was winning more important than the developing self-image of a young girl? My friend explained that even though her daughter is the best base stealer and hitter on the team, she has never gotten over her pitching "failure".
In sports today we place much too much emphasis on winning. Flip Saunders coached the Detroit Pistons for three years. During his tenure he won 70% of his games, leading his team to the conference finals three straight years. His reward for such solid coaching? He got fired after the 2008 season. Management explained: "There are no sacred cows here. You lose that sacred-cow status when you lose three straight years like this." Lose? We’re losers unless we win it all?!
Winning is not all that importnat to kids. While watching a baseball game with my son—he was about six at the time—he wanted to know why the home team didn’t get to bat in the bottom of the ninth. I thought it was obvious, but explained that since the home team was ahead, they would win the game whether they batted or not. He got a funny look on his face and said, “So what?” He thought the home team would feel cheated because they didn’t get to bat as many times as the losing team. For him, playing was paramount, winning was secondary. Surveys indicate that kids would rather play on a losing team than sit on the bench on a winning team. Those surveys indicate that kids participate in sports for the following reasons (listed in the order of their importance):
- have fun
- improve and learn new skills
- make and build friendships
- become physically fit
- win
I coached my son Jered’s select soccer team for several years. Though I know they remember some of the games they competed in, their fondest memories are about traveling, staying in hotels, cooling off in local lakes, hanging out with their friends, staying up late.
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