An Individualized Love
I remember two messages from four years of daily chapel as a seminary student. (This probably reflects more on the listener than on the speakers!) Both messages energized my sputtering spiritual life. One of them was based on Jesus' puzzling parable in Matthew 20 where he likens the kingdom of heaven to a landowner who hires groups of unemployed men--at the 3rd, 6th, 9th, and 11th hour of a 12-hour workday--to work in his vineyard. Only the first group had a specified agreement--he would pay them a denarius for the day's work.
When the workday ended, the crews came to be paid in the reverse order of their hiring. The first group, who had worked only one hour, watched in amazement as a full day's pay was placed into their barely soiled hands. They joyously skipped home with their windfall—now able to feed their families for another day. As the owner called each group forward to receive its pay, it became increasingly clear that each would receive the same amount. By the time the last group was paid—they were the only group not paid more than they deserved—one of them erupted in angry protest: These men who were hired last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day. This weary, sweat-stained worker was outraged that he was paid the same wage as the 1-hour workers.
But note, again, the introduction to this strange parable: The kingdom of God is like a landowner . . . This is what the kingdom of God is like?! Does God ignore effort or merit? Suppose your daughter needs spending money for church camp so you agree to pay her $20 to work all day helping around the house—vacuuming, scrubbing, mopping, laundering. Then your son—who spent the day hanging out with his friends—returns just before dinner and you ask him to help you set the table. After the meal you thank your kids for their work and reward each with a twenty-dollar bill. How would your daughter feel? Just like the all-day vineyard workers—incensed! So how can this loony landowner reflect the values of the kingdom? Does God treat people unfairly?
The landowner firmly denied being unfair: Friend, didn't you agree to work for a denarius? The worker's silence was an admission that the agreement had not been broken. So why did he grumble? The owner pinpointed the problem: Are you envious because I am generous? This worker envied the owner’s generous treatment of the other workers.
I had enrolled in seminary, in part, because I was looking for a mentor. I struggled to build a relationship with my professors, but was rebuffed by their busyness. I wanted someone I could drop in to chat with—not someone whose secretary made appointments for next month. I wanted someone to talk with about my faults and my future. And though I failed, a few privileged students developed bonds with our professors. As a result, I became jealous of their success and dejected by my failure—"What's wrong with me?" Into this heartache the Vineyard Owner dropped these piercing words: Friend, I am not being unfair to you. . . . Or are you envious because I am generous? God assured me that he would be fair to me. He would create the environment that this seedling needed to grow to maturity. And because he promised to nurture me, I could rejoice in his generosity to my friends.
The plant world is full of unique plants which require unique conditions -- cacti thrive in the desert; water lilies love -- guess what? – water; lettuce relishes cool weather; melons won't grow if it isn't summer-hot. But it isn't just plants that require varying conditions. This parable teaches that God designs special environments for each of his human seedlings also. Thank God he doesn’t treat us the same. He provides the exact conditions that we need to become abundantly fruitful.
2010/03/01
Gardening the Soul: The Master Gardener
God is described as the Master Gardener of our lives. Listen to him sing about his garden:
Sing about a fruitful vineyard: I, the Lord, watch over it; I water it continually. I guard it day and night
so that no one may harm it. . .
If only there were briers and thorns confronting me!
I would march out against them in battle.
I would set them all on fire.
In days to come Jacob will take root,
Israel will bud and blossom
and fill all the world with fruit. (Is.27:2-6)
While God glories in a harvest that will "fill all the world with fruit," (v.6) he also revels in the dirty, daily task of nurturing his garden—“I, the Lord, watch over it; I water it continually. I guard it day and night." (v.2,3) God isn't an apathetic gardener who tosses a few seeds on the ground and hopes that something grows. Nor is he an aristocratic gardener who hires other workers to do his grubby chores. God plants and prunes and protects with his own calloused hands.
As a gardener, I am vexed by the agents of destruction that assault my garden—weeds, wind, worms. But God agonizes over a lack of adversaries! He moans like a war hero during peacetime: "If only there were briers and thorns confronting me. I would march out against them in battle, I would set them all on fire." (v.4). Amazing! We serve a God who aches to attack our foes. All we have to do is ask.
In the next few blogs I will focus on the shape of the Gardener’s work in His garden: What are his ways of watering? his patterns in planting? his hopes for a harvest? We must understand how God works—if he is planning a blizzard, but we are expecting warm sunshine, we can become dangerously disoriented in one of life's storms. But when we understand how the Master Gardener is tilling our soils, then we can coordinate our work with his work to produce a fruitful life.
Sing about a fruitful vineyard: I, the Lord, watch over it; I water it continually. I guard it day and night
so that no one may harm it. . .
If only there were briers and thorns confronting me!
I would march out against them in battle.
I would set them all on fire.
In days to come Jacob will take root,
Israel will bud and blossom
and fill all the world with fruit. (Is.27:2-6)
While God glories in a harvest that will "fill all the world with fruit," (v.6) he also revels in the dirty, daily task of nurturing his garden—“I, the Lord, watch over it; I water it continually. I guard it day and night." (v.2,3) God isn't an apathetic gardener who tosses a few seeds on the ground and hopes that something grows. Nor is he an aristocratic gardener who hires other workers to do his grubby chores. God plants and prunes and protects with his own calloused hands.
As a gardener, I am vexed by the agents of destruction that assault my garden—weeds, wind, worms. But God agonizes over a lack of adversaries! He moans like a war hero during peacetime: "If only there were briers and thorns confronting me. I would march out against them in battle, I would set them all on fire." (v.4). Amazing! We serve a God who aches to attack our foes. All we have to do is ask.
In the next few blogs I will focus on the shape of the Gardener’s work in His garden: What are his ways of watering? his patterns in planting? his hopes for a harvest? We must understand how God works—if he is planning a blizzard, but we are expecting warm sunshine, we can become dangerously disoriented in one of life's storms. But when we understand how the Master Gardener is tilling our soils, then we can coordinate our work with his work to produce a fruitful life.
2010/02/15
Gardening the Soul: Introduction
My love for gardening was nurtured by my land-loving father. He taught me the language of the soil -- crop yields, soil moisture, weed control, weather forecasts. Having grown up on a farm during the drought-plagued 1930’s, he was thrilled by prospects of rain. He often drove my siblings and me to a hill overlooking the city to watch evening thunderstorms rumble in from the west. It was exhilarating, though sometimes frightening, to watch these powerful storms. Later, snuggled in the safety of my bed, I would contentedly drift to sleep to the patter of rain on a tin awning. My father also launched my first major gardening experience. When I was in sixth grade, he helped me and three friends grow two acres of sweet corn that we sold door-to-door. I was hooked -- if God hadn't given me other gifts and callings, I could have joyously earned a living from the soil.
Even today, my youthful infatuation with the land hasn't faded. I spend an hour or two most days from April to November in my garden. During the winters I study gardening books and catalogs, planning for and dreaming about the twenty acres of prairie that my wife and I own. We are cultivating fruit and shade trees, flowers and vegetables. We are restoring the native grasses and wildflowers that once graced our land.
One of the unexpected rewards of gardening has been an illumination of Biblical truth. The Bible was written to an "earthy" people. Its illustrations, metaphors and parables assume an intimate knowledge of the soil -- a knowledge few moderns possess. When Jeremiah claimed that God’s people were depending on broken cisterns or when Hosea pleaded with his people to break up the unploughed ground, these images leave many of us in the dark. Part of the Bible is still untranslated -- land language is a dying tongue.
When God reveals himself to us, he uses the known as a bridge to the unknown. But what happens when common knowledge is not so common? When the Bible compares God to a vine or a vine dresser, modern seekers are left with the unfamiliar (God) being illuminated by the unfamiliar (the vineyard.) We are as lost as a first century student would be with a computer metaphor like "programming our minds."
Though I still consider myself a "kinder-gardener" of the soil and the soul, these blogs will try to help non-gardeners decode the garden images that fill the Bible. Come. Pull on your work gloves. Pick up your spade. Join me in digging into God's eternal truths.
Even today, my youthful infatuation with the land hasn't faded. I spend an hour or two most days from April to November in my garden. During the winters I study gardening books and catalogs, planning for and dreaming about the twenty acres of prairie that my wife and I own. We are cultivating fruit and shade trees, flowers and vegetables. We are restoring the native grasses and wildflowers that once graced our land.
One of the unexpected rewards of gardening has been an illumination of Biblical truth. The Bible was written to an "earthy" people. Its illustrations, metaphors and parables assume an intimate knowledge of the soil -- a knowledge few moderns possess. When Jeremiah claimed that God’s people were depending on broken cisterns or when Hosea pleaded with his people to break up the unploughed ground, these images leave many of us in the dark. Part of the Bible is still untranslated -- land language is a dying tongue.
When God reveals himself to us, he uses the known as a bridge to the unknown. But what happens when common knowledge is not so common? When the Bible compares God to a vine or a vine dresser, modern seekers are left with the unfamiliar (God) being illuminated by the unfamiliar (the vineyard.) We are as lost as a first century student would be with a computer metaphor like "programming our minds."
Though I still consider myself a "kinder-gardener" of the soil and the soul, these blogs will try to help non-gardeners decode the garden images that fill the Bible. Come. Pull on your work gloves. Pick up your spade. Join me in digging into God's eternal truths.
2010/01/05
“Wall-to-Wall Parenting”: Part 4
"Give Them Space"
We often become over-involved in our kids’ lives because we feel responsible for constructing our children’s future, “one two-by-four at a time.” So, “to prevent even the tiniest mishap, we believe we should act as stage managers responsible for all production details: casting, costumes, scenery, music, script changes, and making sure no one ever misses a cue or flubs a line. And boy, does that keep us busy!”
It is our fear that drives much of our over-parenting—our fear that our children might stumble. We think it is our calling to keep our children blissful and successful. But as Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld has written, we have forgotten that both joy and sorrow are natural parts of everyone’s life: As the expression goes, into every life some rain must fall. Close friends spend wonderful sleepovers together; sometimes they fight. Sometimes they make up; other times they remain lifelong enemies. Some nights you have wonderful dreams; on others you have nightmares. Arms get broken; walls gets scaled. Challenges are overcome; life defeats you temporarily. Santa gets you just what you want; Santa gets it all wrong. Toys give great pleasure; sometimes a treasured one breaks. Pets run away and get run over. [Some dogs] have wonderful poppies that friends want for their own; some have pup-pies no one else wants so you have to take them to the pound. The new school is great and you make friends even though you miss the old ones; the new school that you thought was going to be terrific actually is terrible; teachers can be wonderful, inspiring; teachers can be unfair; some teachers simply ought to find an-other line of work.
Parents can not and should not protect their children from every painful experience. Our “compulsion to have our fingers in every mud pie our children make” is not healthy for our kids. Though they occasionally need our coaching, eventually they must develop the drive, the discipline, and the skills to depend on God, rather than us, to solve their problems. When they have a problem with a friend or a coach or their health, encourage them to turn to God first--He is certainly a better counselor than we are!
As I conclude this series on the over-involved parent, remember: You will find it easier to determine the limits of your job as a parent, when you put God at the center of your family life. What is your primary focus—your relationship with God or your relationship with your children?If we build our lives around our children, they will grow up self-obsessed rather than God- and other-obsessed. And what will we do when they are gone? We joke about the empty-nest syndrome but part of it caused by our over-commitment to our kids.
We often become over-involved in our kids’ lives because we feel responsible for constructing our children’s future, “one two-by-four at a time.” So, “to prevent even the tiniest mishap, we believe we should act as stage managers responsible for all production details: casting, costumes, scenery, music, script changes, and making sure no one ever misses a cue or flubs a line. And boy, does that keep us busy!”
It is our fear that drives much of our over-parenting—our fear that our children might stumble. We think it is our calling to keep our children blissful and successful. But as Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld has written, we have forgotten that both joy and sorrow are natural parts of everyone’s life: As the expression goes, into every life some rain must fall. Close friends spend wonderful sleepovers together; sometimes they fight. Sometimes they make up; other times they remain lifelong enemies. Some nights you have wonderful dreams; on others you have nightmares. Arms get broken; walls gets scaled. Challenges are overcome; life defeats you temporarily. Santa gets you just what you want; Santa gets it all wrong. Toys give great pleasure; sometimes a treasured one breaks. Pets run away and get run over. [Some dogs] have wonderful poppies that friends want for their own; some have pup-pies no one else wants so you have to take them to the pound. The new school is great and you make friends even though you miss the old ones; the new school that you thought was going to be terrific actually is terrible; teachers can be wonderful, inspiring; teachers can be unfair; some teachers simply ought to find an-other line of work.
Parents can not and should not protect their children from every painful experience. Our “compulsion to have our fingers in every mud pie our children make” is not healthy for our kids. Though they occasionally need our coaching, eventually they must develop the drive, the discipline, and the skills to depend on God, rather than us, to solve their problems. When they have a problem with a friend or a coach or their health, encourage them to turn to God first--He is certainly a better counselor than we are!
As I conclude this series on the over-involved parent, remember: You will find it easier to determine the limits of your job as a parent, when you put God at the center of your family life. What is your primary focus—your relationship with God or your relationship with your children?If we build our lives around our children, they will grow up self-obsessed rather than God- and other-obsessed. And what will we do when they are gone? We joke about the empty-nest syndrome but part of it caused by our over-commitment to our kids.
2009/11/12
Wall-to-Wall” Parenting: Part 3
"Cutting Back (Continued)"
Divorce statistics suggest that parents have focused too much on their kids—the second highest divorce rate is found in the years just after the kids leave home. These parents over-invested in their kids and under-invested in their marriage. So, what other ways should parents scale back?
You aren’t shirking your parental duty if you let your child work out her own social difficulties. When psychologist John Rosemond’s daughter was in middle high, she experienced agonizing social rejection—primarily because she still looked like a little girl. Rosemond explained how he and his wife responded: “We wanted desperately to solve this problem for her. We thought of calling some of the mothers of the more popular girls and asking for their help. We thought of throwing a big expensive birthday party for Amy and inviting all of the popular girls.... We finally came to our senses. We could not solve this problem for Amy.” As a result, the Rosemond’s shifted their strategy from the short-term goal of helping Amy elevate her popularity quotient to the long-term goal of raising an adult who did not depend on other people’s approval in order to feel that her life was in order.
Instead of trying to solve the problem for her, they chose to give her the tools to solve it herself. They told her: “Amy, we know this is painful, but you will not be thirteen forever. Some day, you will be thirty, and all this will seem unimportant then. Furthermore, what you are experiencing today is helping you learn how important it is to never treat another person the way these girls are treating you. It’s also helping you learn to stand on your own two feet, to not depend on other people for a sense of well-being." Though Amy wasn’t thrilled by the speech, she later came to see the wisdom and rightness of her parents’ counsel.
You aren’t shirking your duties as a parent if you don’t help your child with her homework every night. Our culture’s worship of achievement has led many parents to assume a major role in their kids’ school work—checking assignments, reviewing for tests, searching for resources, editing papers, and more. This can be very effective in the short term (i.e., good grades) but what are the long term consequences? Ultimately it produces a de-pendent child and an exhausted parent. Parents justify their efforts by claiming their child would fail if he didn’t receive help. But what is so crushing about failure? A failing grade can be one of the most powerful incentives for change. Ultimately, a child has to learn to take the initiative and solve his own problems—unless you plan to be his roommate in college!
Divorce statistics suggest that parents have focused too much on their kids—the second highest divorce rate is found in the years just after the kids leave home. These parents over-invested in their kids and under-invested in their marriage. So, what other ways should parents scale back?
You aren’t shirking your parental duty if you let your child work out her own social difficulties. When psychologist John Rosemond’s daughter was in middle high, she experienced agonizing social rejection—primarily because she still looked like a little girl. Rosemond explained how he and his wife responded: “We wanted desperately to solve this problem for her. We thought of calling some of the mothers of the more popular girls and asking for their help. We thought of throwing a big expensive birthday party for Amy and inviting all of the popular girls.... We finally came to our senses. We could not solve this problem for Amy.” As a result, the Rosemond’s shifted their strategy from the short-term goal of helping Amy elevate her popularity quotient to the long-term goal of raising an adult who did not depend on other people’s approval in order to feel that her life was in order.
Instead of trying to solve the problem for her, they chose to give her the tools to solve it herself. They told her: “Amy, we know this is painful, but you will not be thirteen forever. Some day, you will be thirty, and all this will seem unimportant then. Furthermore, what you are experiencing today is helping you learn how important it is to never treat another person the way these girls are treating you. It’s also helping you learn to stand on your own two feet, to not depend on other people for a sense of well-being." Though Amy wasn’t thrilled by the speech, she later came to see the wisdom and rightness of her parents’ counsel.
You aren’t shirking your duties as a parent if you don’t help your child with her homework every night. Our culture’s worship of achievement has led many parents to assume a major role in their kids’ school work—checking assignments, reviewing for tests, searching for resources, editing papers, and more. This can be very effective in the short term (i.e., good grades) but what are the long term consequences? Ultimately it produces a de-pendent child and an exhausted parent. Parents justify their efforts by claiming their child would fail if he didn’t receive help. But what is so crushing about failure? A failing grade can be one of the most powerful incentives for change. Ultimately, a child has to learn to take the initiative and solve his own problems—unless you plan to be his roommate in college!
2009/10/10
Wall-to-Wall Parenting: Part 2
"Cutting Back"
There is an increasing trend in our culture to over-parent. This over-parenting fuels the frantic pace of life that exhausts many parents. If you trim what you do for your children, you will have the energy to give them what they truly need.
You aren’t abusing your child if you don’t attend all of his athletic contests. Many children who grew up in the 60’s and 70’s had parents who seldom watched their children participate in ath-letics. Today we’ve gone to the other extreme. I know parents who even attend all of their child’s practices!
But the constant presence of a parent is unnecessary. One of my favorite childhood memories is summertime, pick-up baseball games. When I was 11 or 12 years old, I biked across town (3-4 miles) to play baseball with my cousins and their friends. (My mom was astonished at how early I would get up to play ball!) We spent the cool mornings playing ball and the hot afternoons swimming. Reminiscing, I find that I am one of those men “who cling as long as life and common sense will let them to the days when a game of baseball could fill a whole afternoon so full that it would run over at the edges.” And this joyous experience took place without the participation of even one adult!
What are you teaching your kids when relationships with God or your spouse or one of your other children bows constantly to a child’s athletic calendar? You may be training your child to expect the whole world to attend to him in the same focused way. Over-parenting often produces self-absorbed children who never learn that the world doesn’t spin around them.
You aren’t abusing your child if you turn in your chauffeur license. Many parents spend a chunk of every day driving their children from one activity to another to another. Let them bike to a friend’s home—the added exercise will be good for them.
But part of the reason we spend so much time ferrying our kids is that we sign them up for too many activities. They need car transportation to meet their tight schedules. Why do we do this? Partly because we fear that an ounce of a child’s talent may be untapped. A parent might reason: “I know my son is already playing soccer and taking guitar lessons, but I better sign him up for golf lessons also. Who knows, he may be the next Tiger Woods!”
But would it have been a tragedy if Tiger Woods parents had placed more emphasis on academics than on golf? Psychologist John Rosemond commented on such a possibility: “Maybe Tiger would have grown up to become a virologist, and maybe he would have discovered a cure for AIDS.”
Some parents won’t cut back their child’s (and thus, their own) commitments because they fear their child’s resistance. Rather than resist, most children are relieved. They want time to be with you, to hang out at home, to read a book, to play with a friend.
There is an increasing trend in our culture to over-parent. This over-parenting fuels the frantic pace of life that exhausts many parents. If you trim what you do for your children, you will have the energy to give them what they truly need.
You aren’t abusing your child if you don’t attend all of his athletic contests. Many children who grew up in the 60’s and 70’s had parents who seldom watched their children participate in ath-letics. Today we’ve gone to the other extreme. I know parents who even attend all of their child’s practices!
But the constant presence of a parent is unnecessary. One of my favorite childhood memories is summertime, pick-up baseball games. When I was 11 or 12 years old, I biked across town (3-4 miles) to play baseball with my cousins and their friends. (My mom was astonished at how early I would get up to play ball!) We spent the cool mornings playing ball and the hot afternoons swimming. Reminiscing, I find that I am one of those men “who cling as long as life and common sense will let them to the days when a game of baseball could fill a whole afternoon so full that it would run over at the edges.” And this joyous experience took place without the participation of even one adult!
What are you teaching your kids when relationships with God or your spouse or one of your other children bows constantly to a child’s athletic calendar? You may be training your child to expect the whole world to attend to him in the same focused way. Over-parenting often produces self-absorbed children who never learn that the world doesn’t spin around them.
You aren’t abusing your child if you turn in your chauffeur license. Many parents spend a chunk of every day driving their children from one activity to another to another. Let them bike to a friend’s home—the added exercise will be good for them.
But part of the reason we spend so much time ferrying our kids is that we sign them up for too many activities. They need car transportation to meet their tight schedules. Why do we do this? Partly because we fear that an ounce of a child’s talent may be untapped. A parent might reason: “I know my son is already playing soccer and taking guitar lessons, but I better sign him up for golf lessons also. Who knows, he may be the next Tiger Woods!”
But would it have been a tragedy if Tiger Woods parents had placed more emphasis on academics than on golf? Psychologist John Rosemond commented on such a possibility: “Maybe Tiger would have grown up to become a virologist, and maybe he would have discovered a cure for AIDS.”
Some parents won’t cut back their child’s (and thus, their own) commitments because they fear their child’s resistance. Rather than resist, most children are relieved. They want time to be with you, to hang out at home, to read a book, to play with a friend.
2009/09/14
Wall-to-Wall Parenting: Part 1
"First Things First"
Many parents today are overly committed to parenting. Yes, you read that accurately. I have taught Christian parenting for the past 30+ years. For most of those years I have pleaded with parents to increase their commitment to their children. But in the past decade there has been a shift in our culture and in my teaching. While our children still have great needs for our involvement, I now believe many Christian parents need to cut back what they do for their children. Let me explain.
Deuteronomy 6 is a foundational passage for teaching parents how to pass on a living faith to their children. In that chapter, God instructs parents to: "Love the Lord YOUR God with all YOUR heart and with all YOUR soul and with all YOUR strength. These commandments I give you today are to be upon YOUR hearts." Parents, if you are serious about your children learning how to love God, then loving God must be the priority of your life--an even more important commitment than your commitment to your children.
But many Christian parents complain that after cooking meals, chauffeuring the kids, doing laundry, maintaining a yard, running errands, attending children’s activities, etc., etc., they don’t have the time or energy for individual time with God. But are all of these tasks part of the job description for The Good Parent? Not only are many of them unnecessary, but some are harmful. One of the major tasks for children is to learn how to be independent of their parents. If parents do too much for their kids, it will stunt their growth.
So where should we cut back what we do for our children? First, by including ALL family members in the upkeep of a household. Psychologist John Rosemond has said that when he speaks to groups of parents he asks them a question: “Raise your hand if you had chores when you were a child?” Almost all of them raise a hand. But then he asks: “Raise your hand if you require your kids to do regular chores?” And only a few raise a hand. Please, for your children’s sake, don’t treat them like privileged house guests. When our boys were growing up, they would occasionally complain about their household responsibilities: “Why do we have to weed the garden and do our own laundry? Our friends aren’t their parents’ slaves!” To those complaints we would calmly (most of the time!) answer: “Family life is a joint effort. If you don’t help out then some other member of this family will be unfairly burdened.”
So even if you’re a super-Mom who has unlimited energy, your children still need you to do less. By the time they leave home permanently, they will need to know how to wash their own clothes, clean a bathroom, fix a meal, care for a lawn, budget their money, etc. If they don’t learn this during childhood, it is much harder to learn this as an adult. (I still don’t know how to do my own laundry!)
The sacrificial, “wall-to-wall” parenting that many parents are committed to may feel good, but it may not do good. If you cut back what you do for your kids, your kids will benefit by learning how to care for themselves. You will benefit by having more time to pursue your first priority--your relationship with God.
Many parents today are overly committed to parenting. Yes, you read that accurately. I have taught Christian parenting for the past 30+ years. For most of those years I have pleaded with parents to increase their commitment to their children. But in the past decade there has been a shift in our culture and in my teaching. While our children still have great needs for our involvement, I now believe many Christian parents need to cut back what they do for their children. Let me explain.
Deuteronomy 6 is a foundational passage for teaching parents how to pass on a living faith to their children. In that chapter, God instructs parents to: "Love the Lord YOUR God with all YOUR heart and with all YOUR soul and with all YOUR strength. These commandments I give you today are to be upon YOUR hearts." Parents, if you are serious about your children learning how to love God, then loving God must be the priority of your life--an even more important commitment than your commitment to your children.
But many Christian parents complain that after cooking meals, chauffeuring the kids, doing laundry, maintaining a yard, running errands, attending children’s activities, etc., etc., they don’t have the time or energy for individual time with God. But are all of these tasks part of the job description for The Good Parent? Not only are many of them unnecessary, but some are harmful. One of the major tasks for children is to learn how to be independent of their parents. If parents do too much for their kids, it will stunt their growth.
So where should we cut back what we do for our children? First, by including ALL family members in the upkeep of a household. Psychologist John Rosemond has said that when he speaks to groups of parents he asks them a question: “Raise your hand if you had chores when you were a child?” Almost all of them raise a hand. But then he asks: “Raise your hand if you require your kids to do regular chores?” And only a few raise a hand. Please, for your children’s sake, don’t treat them like privileged house guests. When our boys were growing up, they would occasionally complain about their household responsibilities: “Why do we have to weed the garden and do our own laundry? Our friends aren’t their parents’ slaves!” To those complaints we would calmly (most of the time!) answer: “Family life is a joint effort. If you don’t help out then some other member of this family will be unfairly burdened.”
So even if you’re a super-Mom who has unlimited energy, your children still need you to do less. By the time they leave home permanently, they will need to know how to wash their own clothes, clean a bathroom, fix a meal, care for a lawn, budget their money, etc. If they don’t learn this during childhood, it is much harder to learn this as an adult. (I still don’t know how to do my own laundry!)
The sacrificial, “wall-to-wall” parenting that many parents are committed to may feel good, but it may not do good. If you cut back what you do for your kids, your kids will benefit by learning how to care for themselves. You will benefit by having more time to pursue your first priority--your relationship with God.
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