Divorce: Impact on Children

Why are children the biggest losers in the severing of marital ties? Because stable, healthy marriages comprise the scaffolding upon which children mount successive developmental stages. When that structure collapses, the children's world is temporarily without supports.

Children lose their protection because of the nature of divorce: In most crisis situations, such as a fire, parents instinctively reach out and grab hold of their children, bringing them to safety first. In the crisis of divorce, however, mothers and fathers put children on hold, attending to adult problems first. As Mary Pipher explains, children need parents who will talk to them, supervise them, help them stay organized and support them when they are down. Rocked by shock, grief, and anger, divorcing parents often just don’t have the energy to give. And many are busy with new challenges: job hunting, returning to school, dating.

When children of divorce see their parents struggling, it can be terrifying. Elizabeth Marquardt, a child of divorce, explained: As children, seeing our mother or father scared or hurt was frightening. They were, after all, our line of defense against the scary world outside. They were supposed to be bigger than that world. Kids have an expectation that parents will keep them safe and are shocked when they are unable to offer much support. And in a complete reversal of roles, some of these parents turn tragically to their children for support!

Furthermore, many children of divorce are forced to grow up prematurely. When Marquardt was five years old she would fly alone to visit her dad. By nine, she could walk or bike almost anywhere alone. Though she was praised for her “maturity”, she was suffering: "If I was mature on the outside, inside I was still a child, often lonely, sometimes confused, and sometimes very scared. When I was home alone or taking care of my brother, I imagined strangers peeping in our windows. Unfortunately, my parents didn’t have room for feelings such as these. My mother was too overwhelmed, and my father lived too far away." And unfortunately, when these needy teens express their deep pain, they are likely to do it in dangerous ways. Often they feel that their parents broke the rules and so now they can too.

Approximately two-thirds of couples who divorce had a low-conflict marriage. (And as stated earlier, only a minority of people who are unhappy in their marriage today will still be unhappy in five years.) Is it too much to ask them to hang onto a mediocre marriage so that their children will have a stable environment to grow up in?

Divorce: The Truth About Ourselves

Most people who seek a divorce think they are getting away from a troublesome spouse--what many are fleeing is themselves. Mike Mason explains that the closer we are drawn to another person the more we are revealed in the other's light, revealed for what we are. Others are mirrors in which we see ourselves, not as we would like to be, but as we are. Whenever we pull away, searching in one mirror after another for a more pleasing image, what we are really doing is avoiding the truth about ourselves.

In the early years of our marriage Cathy and I battled frequently. We didn't even have the self-control to keep our fights private--I doubt either of our families would have bet a dollar on a 10th, or even a 5th, wedding anniversary! Being convinced that the weight of our problems rested on her, I prayed diligently that God would change her. But my prayers seemed to have little effect. So what was the solution? Was it time to admit my mistake and go fishing in the pond again? Thank God I didn't. Eventually through the Scriptures, and the patience of my wife, I was given sight. She didn’t need near as much help as I did: Lord, forgive me for being so blind. Remove my selfishness and pride. Help me become the husband you want me to be.

When my gardening tools need sharpening I take them to a friend who has a grinding wheel. As I lay the shovel on that rotating stone the sparks fly like it is the 4th of July. If my shovel could speak, it would probably scream at the stone’s grinding away of its nicks and notches. But if it avoids the stone, it looses its effectiveness. So it is in life. It is in the friction of intimacy that our rough edges can be revealed and removed. We must remember the counsel of Solomon: As iron sharpens iron, so does one person sharpen another. (Prov.27:17).

Divorce: Divine Math

God, through the prophet Malachi, stated bluntly: I hate divorce. Why does divorce grieve God so deeply? Jesus explained that divorce negates God's original design: "For this reason a
man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. "

When two people wed, something profoundly spiritual takes place. Marriage is more than a legal contract. It is more than a sexual union. A new math is discovered: 1 + 1 = 1. God has joined together a husband and a wife into a spiritual unity. And when that unity is ripped apart, they feel the pain of dismemberment. A divorce . . . is not like the pieces of a puzzle coming apart, with precisely defined, individualized parts remaining whole and intact. It is more like trying to make two bodies out of a single body. Ouch!

Dr. Judy Wallerstein who has been studying the long-term effects of divorce for the past 30 years, began her research with the prejudice that divorce would be painful, but the wounds would soon heal. Her findings shouted a different message. Decades after the divorce, Wallerstein observed: I was braced for a few tears, reluctance to look back, lingering attachments, and maybe occasional regret that a divorce had ever happened. But I did not expect the experience to endure so fully for so many, with high drama, passions, vivid memories, fantasy relationships, jagged breaks in development, intense anger.

She concluded: There is no evidence that time alone diminishes feelings or memories; that hurt and depression are overcome; or that jealousy, anger, and outrage will vanish. Some experiences are just as painful ten years later; some memories haunt us for a lifetime. God designed us to have one partner for life. When this pledge is broken, it produces sour fruit.

There are certainly conditions in which divorce is the only option. (The Scriptures make provision for these divorces.) But the majority of divorces come out of relationships that could easily be saved. All marriages go through difficult times. One study found that only a minority of people who are unhappy in their marriages today still feel that way only five years later.

Hang on. Divorce is seldom a cure for unhappiness. And there are experiences that are far worse than enduring a mediocre marriage.

Divorce: A Modern Day Tragedy

The car was shrouded in silence as dad drove his son home. Finally the seven-year old blurted out angrily: "When you comin' home?!" Dad paused, trying to put his own agony into a child's
words. He, too, wanted to come home. He wanted to be there when his kids scrambled out of bed in the morning. He longed for the chaos of family dinners. He yearned for someone to talk to in the evenings. Finally he answered: "I don't know. Mom and I aren't getting along right now. I hope it's soon." Dad never made it home. The separation became permanent.

During my entire childhood I knew only two divorced families. Today, it is estimated that somewhere from 40-50% of first time marriages will end in divorce. (Second marriages fail at an even higher rate.) Each year over one million new children experience the breakup of their families.

Because of the pervasiveness of divorce, I will devote the next several posts to this subject. Why is this important for all of us? "`Each divorce is the death of a small civilization.' When one family divorces, that divorce affects relatives, friends, neighbors, employers, teachers, clergy, and scores of strangers. . . . divorce is not a them-versus-us problem; everyone in one way or another, has been touched by it." I had a woman tell me that the divorce of her son was harder on her than the unexpected death of her husband. She mourned the loss of her daughter-in-law.

The purpose for these articles is not to beat people up who have had a divorce, but to offer hope and encouragement to those impacted by our divorce culture. The next post will examine God’s perspective on divorce.

The Love of Reading, Part 3

While the average American reads less than two hours each week, he watches T.V. 15-20 hours each week--that’s about an 8-1 ratio. Does anyone believe that T.V. is eight times more valuable than reading?! If you truly want to read more, you must control your T.V. habits. You may want to unsubscribe to cable T.V. or banish the T.V. from your bedroom or read 30 minutes each day before you pounce on the remote. Author Roald Dahl pleads with us:

Please, oh PLEASE, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away.
And in its place you can install,
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.

Cathy and I recently finished reading Susan Howatch’s novel, Absolute Truths. Two of the primary characters are clergymen who are antagonists throughout the novel. One is liberal, the other is conservative. One was educated at Oxford, the other at a lesser college. One had an affair. The other preached regularly against immorality. But they both shared the same mentor, Jon Darrow.

One evening the two men coincidentally arrive at Darrow’s door at the same time. During the following difficult conversation between the three of them, Darrow expressed a desire that they know each other better: I know so much about you both. I know not only about all your difficulties but about how hard you’ve worked to overcome them. You look at each other and see only your faults, but I look at you in the light of my special knowledge and find I can overlook those faults because I know your virtues are far more important. How impressed you would be with each other if you knew what I knew! What heroes you would be in each other's eyes! As we read this book we were reminded again and again that we don’t know others very well. Our adversaries are never as foul or feeble as we think they are. Through reading this novel I was able to release a judgmental attitude that I have carried for a long time.

Though we all need some occasional fluff, easy reading shouldn’t be the staple of our diet. Compare a Danielle Steele novel with a Howatch novel. A Steele novel has more twists and turns than an episode of Fox’s “24”. Though you may be entertained, how have you benefited? Have you gained any insights into how to love your mate? how to direct your children? how to view your enemy? how to invest your life? You may be tempted to quit reading most good novels in the first 100-150 pages because they slowly lay the ground work for their characters and plot. One of the reasons that we don’t read more and better literature may simply be that we are lazy.

The Love of Reading, Part 2

Whenever historians list the greatest U.S. Presidents, Thomas Jefferson is always included. What was the source of his greatness? Jefferson biographer, Fawn Brodie, believes it was rooted in his early training which she called an “apprenticeship for greatness.” While most law students served an apprenticeship of no more than two years, Thomas Jefferson was tutored by George Wythe for five full years. (Patrick Henry boasted that he studied no more than six weeks. That’s something to be proud of?!)

Jefferson’ training consisted of five years of “uninterrupted reading, not only in the law but also in ancient classics, English literature, and general political philosophy.” As a young man “when most of his friends were hunting, gambling, cockfighting, speculating, marrying young, or wenching among slaves, he seems to have buried himself in books and the kind of books most of his friends avoided as difficult or esoteric.”

Jefferson’s lifelong commitment to reading was obvious when he advised a young lawyer to spend his pre-dawn hours reading "in physical studies, Ethics, Religion, natural and sectarian, and natural law.” Then from 8 A.M to noon he should read the law, from twelve to one in politics, and in the evening criticism, rhetoric, and oratory. Over half of a lawyer’s day should be spent in reading. Wow! This commitment to reading became a “necessity for Jefferson, like music and gardening, a special nutrient without which he withered.”

When I look back on my life, I shudder to think how withered my life would be without reading. Books (including the Scriptures) have been my primary source of learning how to parent, how to be a husband, how to educate my children, how to steward God’s gifts, how to prepare for eternity, how to care for my body, and much, much more.

Sadly, nearly 40% of American adults seldom or never read a book. The average American spends less than two hours reading each week--this includes light reading like newspapers and letters.

Harry Truman said the “not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers.” Like Jefferson, do you want to be an effective leader? in your home? at work? at church? Then you would be wise to develop the discipline of reading.

The Love of Reading, Part 1

Roald Dahl, the immensely popular children’s author (James and the Giant Peach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The BFG, etc.) was certainly one of my boys’ favorite authors. (Well, O.K., he is one of my favorites, too!) His imagination, wit, and eloquence combined to create marvelous literature.

Most of Dahl’s childhood, however, was very bleak. His education took place in an English boarding school, which Dahl described as “days of horror, of fierce discipline, of no talking in the dormitories, no running in the corridors, no untidiness of any sort, no this or that or the other, just rules, rules and still more rules. And the fear of the dreaded cane hung over us like the fear of death.” He hated school and the feelings were reciprocal. His report cards described him as “incapable” and “of limited ideas.”

But one Saturday morning a woman was hired to look after the boys while the school’s staff had a morning to themselves. Mrs. O’Connor loved literature and spent most of those Saturday’s reading to the boys. “Her enthusiasm and love of books were so contagious and spellbinding that she became the highlight of the school week for Dahl. Within a year he’d become an insatiable reader, and Dahl credits Mrs. O’Connor with turning him into a reader—which made it possible to become a writer.

A lifelong devotion to reading good literature is the cornerstone for all learning. Educator Jim Trelease explains why he believes teachers should read regularly to their students: When you take time to read to your class you are not neglecting the curriculum. Reading is the curriculum. The principal ingredient of all learning and teaching is language. Not only is it the tool with which we communicate the lesson, it is also the product the student hands back to us.

Similarly, Emilie Buchwald has written that “children are made readers on the laps of their parents.” One of my fondest childhood memories is my mother reading books to me--Swiss Family Robinson, The Little House on the Prairie books, The Hardy Boys. With our boys, vacations were a time to indulge in books--reading in the car, at the dinner table, at bedtime. We packed age-appropriate books about the flora and fauna and the history of the places we visited.

Children need time to read. Train them to read quietly in their rooms while you prepare dinner. Give them time in the evenings before bed to read by themselves. ("Do you want to turn your light out now or would you like to read for a while?") But remember--you can’t pass on what you don’t possess. If you aren’t a reader it is unlikely that your children will be readers.