Does this poem by Michael Quoist sound familiar?
Goodbye, sir, excuse me, I haven’t time.
I’ll come back, I can’t wait, I haven’t time.
I must end this letter—I haven’t time.
I can’t accept, having no time.
I can’t think, I can’t read, I’m swamped, I haven’t time.
I’d like to pray, but I haven’t time...
You understand, Lord, we simply haven’t the time....
Lord, you must have made a mistake in your calculations.
There is a big mistake somewhere.
the hours are too short,
The days are too short,
Our lives are too short....
How has this happened? How have we become such time paupers when so many modern inventions have eased the burdens of daily life? Peter Kreeft points out that if we stop someone on the street and ask, "Do you have a free hour or two to converse about the best things in life, about wisdom and virtue, about truth and goodness?” we should expect to hear a ready yes more than any of our ancestors could. Yet, of course, the situation is exactly the opposite. It is much less likely today than at any time in the past that anyone will have a free hour for the most important things in life.
Our ancestors, who had to haul their water and grow their own food and sew their own clothing, didn’t complain about a lack of time and seemed to have more time for what is truly important. And so should we. God created ample time for each of us to accomplish all he calls us to do—if we will learn how to use time wisely: Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of the time because the days are evil. (Eph.5:15,16)
2008/03/27
2008/02/11
Kids' Lies
"Please, dear God, help Mom and Dad know that I am telling the truth," an 8 year-old boy pleaded. This boy's parents had accused him of lying and he was hoping for a divine rescue. When further evidence was accumulated, it became apparent that the boy was lying and he finally confessed. This boy's parents came to see me because their son had a recurring problem with lying. They had tried spanking him, taking away privileges, grounding him--nothing seemed to work. How should they react to their son’s behavior?
Though lying is certainly a sin, nearly all children lie. But a heavy-handed response is seldom the right way to discourage lying. God promised Abraham and Sarah that they would have a son. Over two decades later, when this couple was well past their childbearing days, the son had still not been born. So the angel of the Lord visited Abraham's tent and announced a son would be born within the year. When Sarah overheard this, she laughed, thinking: "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?"
The angel of the Lord confronted Sarah, asking, "Why did [you] laugh? Is anything too hard for the Lord?"
But Sarah denied she laughed: "Sarah was afraid, so she lied, and said, `I did not laugh.'"
But God knew the truth: "Yes, you did laugh."
How did God correct Sarah? He didn't lash her with a fifty minute lecture about the evils of lying. He didn’t tell her she was a bad person. He didn't take back his promise of a son. All he did was mildly correct her: “Yes, you did laugh.” When lying is gently corrected it normally won’t become a major problem.
Furthermore, God did not ask Sarah whether she laughed—He knew she had lied. Instead, he asked why she laughed. If you know your child is lying, don’t give him an opportunity to lie. Don’t ask: “Did you hit your brother?” Rather, say: “I know you hit your brother and we can’t allow that.” Lying can become habitual—don’t give your child unnecessary opportunities to develop that habit.
When we suspected, but couldn’t prove, our boys were lying, Cathy and I reminded them: “The critical issue isn’t our judgment, but God’s judgment. If you are telling the truth, God knows. And if you are lying, God also knows. We’ll leave it between you and God.” When children recognize that the approval of their all-seeing Father is foremost, then lying often becomes a smaller problem. As this truth was planted in our boys' hearts, their squabbles often included this perspective. If two of them came to us with conflicting stories, one of them often turned to the other and said with prophet-like conviction: “God knows!”
Though lying is certainly a sin, nearly all children lie. But a heavy-handed response is seldom the right way to discourage lying. God promised Abraham and Sarah that they would have a son. Over two decades later, when this couple was well past their childbearing days, the son had still not been born. So the angel of the Lord visited Abraham's tent and announced a son would be born within the year. When Sarah overheard this, she laughed, thinking: "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?"
The angel of the Lord confronted Sarah, asking, "Why did [you] laugh? Is anything too hard for the Lord?"
But Sarah denied she laughed: "Sarah was afraid, so she lied, and said, `I did not laugh.'"
But God knew the truth: "Yes, you did laugh."
How did God correct Sarah? He didn't lash her with a fifty minute lecture about the evils of lying. He didn’t tell her she was a bad person. He didn't take back his promise of a son. All he did was mildly correct her: “Yes, you did laugh.” When lying is gently corrected it normally won’t become a major problem.
Furthermore, God did not ask Sarah whether she laughed—He knew she had lied. Instead, he asked why she laughed. If you know your child is lying, don’t give him an opportunity to lie. Don’t ask: “Did you hit your brother?” Rather, say: “I know you hit your brother and we can’t allow that.” Lying can become habitual—don’t give your child unnecessary opportunities to develop that habit.
When we suspected, but couldn’t prove, our boys were lying, Cathy and I reminded them: “The critical issue isn’t our judgment, but God’s judgment. If you are telling the truth, God knows. And if you are lying, God also knows. We’ll leave it between you and God.” When children recognize that the approval of their all-seeing Father is foremost, then lying often becomes a smaller problem. As this truth was planted in our boys' hearts, their squabbles often included this perspective. If two of them came to us with conflicting stories, one of them often turned to the other and said with prophet-like conviction: “God knows!”
2008/01/03
Divorce: Renewing a Broken Marriage
The Pharisees asked Jesus: "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" (Mt.19:8). Wrong question! The legality of divorce is not the place to begin a discussion about divorce.
Jesus reminded the Pharisees that God weaves the souls of a husband and a wife together: "they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Their first question should have been about how to maintain this God-founded unity.
The disciples were stunned by Jesus’ high standard: "If this is the situation between a man and his wife, then it is better not to marry." They didn't believe it was humanly possible to fulfill such a commitment. They were right--without God's help marriage is impossible. That’s why marital conflict should send us to our knees before it sends us to our lawyer.
There’s so much that you can do to resuscitate a dying marriage:
Since divorce is seldom the relief that people anticipate, dig in, plant some seeds, pull some weeds, wait for a harvest. A healthy marriage is one of life's choicest fruits.
Jesus reminded the Pharisees that God weaves the souls of a husband and a wife together: "they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Their first question should have been about how to maintain this God-founded unity.
The disciples were stunned by Jesus’ high standard: "If this is the situation between a man and his wife, then it is better not to marry." They didn't believe it was humanly possible to fulfill such a commitment. They were right--without God's help marriage is impossible. That’s why marital conflict should send us to our knees before it sends us to our lawyer.
There’s so much that you can do to resuscitate a dying marriage:
- Get honest. Do you ask God to reveal your marital sins? to teach you how to love an unlovely mate? Even after nearly four decades of marriage, I still find it nearly as hard to say "I was wrong" as I do to lift a thousand pounds. I still make my suggestions sound like commands. I still can be as stubborn as a South Dakota winter. Without continually opening myself to God, I can become complacent or blind to my sins—thus demoralizing my wife and making it harder for her to deal with her own shortcomings.
- Get help. Find someone with a growing marriage who will pray with you, who will teach you, who will be honest with you. But be careful—not all friends are created equal. Some will advise you to dump a marriage that can be revived. Look for a different friend!
- Get educated. How successful would you be at your job without schooling? without reading books or journals? without attending seminars? Similarly, how can you expect to have a successful marriage without training? Read a book on marriage each year. Attend an occasional seminar. Join a Bible study on marriage.
Since divorce is seldom the relief that people anticipate, dig in, plant some seeds, pull some weeds, wait for a harvest. A healthy marriage is one of life's choicest fruits.
2007/12/12
Divorce: The Myth of the Good Divorce
Elizabeth Marquardt’s research has concluded that even though a good divorce is better than a bad divorce, it is still not good for children. She found that children from a mannerly divorce often compare poorly to children from an unhappy marriage, so long as that marriage is low-conflict (2/3 of marriages that end in divorce are.) As reported in much of the divorce literature, these kids don’t perform as well academically; they are more delinquent; they use more drugs; and they are more sexually active.
But an additional problem that children of divorce face is the problem of developing a unified world view. Though a mom’s and a dad’s personalities, morals, religious beliefs, and parenting styles always differ, in most marriages they recognize that they have the job of rubbing the rough edges of their own worlds together in an attempt to hand [children] something reasonably whole.
But after the divorce, there is little motivation for ex-spouses to be unified. One child explained: So you’d go with one and they’d be like, “Ah, stay out till ten! You can walk to the playground!” And the other one’s like, “You can’t go anywhere! You have a bike but you have to ride it in your yard.” With conflicting rules, these kids have to stay on their toes: We paid close attention to the different rules at each parent’s home and the conflicts in their expectations of us.... We adjusted ourselves to each of our parents, shaping our habits and beliefs to mimic theirs when we were around them. We often felt like a different person with each of our parents.
These kids felt like chameleons as they tried to adapt to their changing environment. But they weren’t designed for such major adaptation: We looked to two worlds that seemed as different as night and day. The chasm between the two worlds made reconciling their differences seem much more daunting, perhaps even impossible. They became mentally stuck when they tried to answer life’s greatest questions--Who am I? Is there a God? What is the good?--because they didn’t have a settled identity.
Though they don’t have to remain caught between two worlds forever—there is renewal through Christ—we make the task of establishing a unified, life-guiding identity much harder when they don’t have unified parents.
But an additional problem that children of divorce face is the problem of developing a unified world view. Though a mom’s and a dad’s personalities, morals, religious beliefs, and parenting styles always differ, in most marriages they recognize that they have the job of rubbing the rough edges of their own worlds together in an attempt to hand [children] something reasonably whole.
But after the divorce, there is little motivation for ex-spouses to be unified. One child explained: So you’d go with one and they’d be like, “Ah, stay out till ten! You can walk to the playground!” And the other one’s like, “You can’t go anywhere! You have a bike but you have to ride it in your yard.” With conflicting rules, these kids have to stay on their toes: We paid close attention to the different rules at each parent’s home and the conflicts in their expectations of us.... We adjusted ourselves to each of our parents, shaping our habits and beliefs to mimic theirs when we were around them. We often felt like a different person with each of our parents.
These kids felt like chameleons as they tried to adapt to their changing environment. But they weren’t designed for such major adaptation: We looked to two worlds that seemed as different as night and day. The chasm between the two worlds made reconciling their differences seem much more daunting, perhaps even impossible. They became mentally stuck when they tried to answer life’s greatest questions--Who am I? Is there a God? What is the good?--because they didn’t have a settled identity.
Though they don’t have to remain caught between two worlds forever—there is renewal through Christ—we make the task of establishing a unified, life-guiding identity much harder when they don’t have unified parents.
2007/11/17
Divorce: Impact on Children
Why are children the biggest losers in the severing of marital ties? Because stable, healthy marriages comprise the scaffolding upon which children mount successive developmental stages. When that structure collapses, the children's world is temporarily without supports.
Children lose their protection because of the nature of divorce: In most crisis situations, such as a fire, parents instinctively reach out and grab hold of their children, bringing them to safety first. In the crisis of divorce, however, mothers and fathers put children on hold, attending to adult problems first. As Mary Pipher explains, children need parents who will talk to them, supervise them, help them stay organized and support them when they are down. Rocked by shock, grief, and anger, divorcing parents often just don’t have the energy to give. And many are busy with new challenges: job hunting, returning to school, dating.
When children of divorce see their parents struggling, it can be terrifying. Elizabeth Marquardt, a child of divorce, explained: As children, seeing our mother or father scared or hurt was frightening. They were, after all, our line of defense against the scary world outside. They were supposed to be bigger than that world. Kids have an expectation that parents will keep them safe and are shocked when they are unable to offer much support. And in a complete reversal of roles, some of these parents turn tragically to their children for support!
Furthermore, many children of divorce are forced to grow up prematurely. When Marquardt was five years old she would fly alone to visit her dad. By nine, she could walk or bike almost anywhere alone. Though she was praised for her “maturity”, she was suffering: "If I was mature on the outside, inside I was still a child, often lonely, sometimes confused, and sometimes very scared. When I was home alone or taking care of my brother, I imagined strangers peeping in our windows. Unfortunately, my parents didn’t have room for feelings such as these. My mother was too overwhelmed, and my father lived too far away." And unfortunately, when these needy teens express their deep pain, they are likely to do it in dangerous ways. Often they feel that their parents broke the rules and so now they can too.
Approximately two-thirds of couples who divorce had a low-conflict marriage. (And as stated earlier, only a minority of people who are unhappy in their marriage today will still be unhappy in five years.) Is it too much to ask them to hang onto a mediocre marriage so that their children will have a stable environment to grow up in?
Children lose their protection because of the nature of divorce: In most crisis situations, such as a fire, parents instinctively reach out and grab hold of their children, bringing them to safety first. In the crisis of divorce, however, mothers and fathers put children on hold, attending to adult problems first. As Mary Pipher explains, children need parents who will talk to them, supervise them, help them stay organized and support them when they are down. Rocked by shock, grief, and anger, divorcing parents often just don’t have the energy to give. And many are busy with new challenges: job hunting, returning to school, dating.
When children of divorce see their parents struggling, it can be terrifying. Elizabeth Marquardt, a child of divorce, explained: As children, seeing our mother or father scared or hurt was frightening. They were, after all, our line of defense against the scary world outside. They were supposed to be bigger than that world. Kids have an expectation that parents will keep them safe and are shocked when they are unable to offer much support. And in a complete reversal of roles, some of these parents turn tragically to their children for support!
Furthermore, many children of divorce are forced to grow up prematurely. When Marquardt was five years old she would fly alone to visit her dad. By nine, she could walk or bike almost anywhere alone. Though she was praised for her “maturity”, she was suffering: "If I was mature on the outside, inside I was still a child, often lonely, sometimes confused, and sometimes very scared. When I was home alone or taking care of my brother, I imagined strangers peeping in our windows. Unfortunately, my parents didn’t have room for feelings such as these. My mother was too overwhelmed, and my father lived too far away." And unfortunately, when these needy teens express their deep pain, they are likely to do it in dangerous ways. Often they feel that their parents broke the rules and so now they can too.
Approximately two-thirds of couples who divorce had a low-conflict marriage. (And as stated earlier, only a minority of people who are unhappy in their marriage today will still be unhappy in five years.) Is it too much to ask them to hang onto a mediocre marriage so that their children will have a stable environment to grow up in?
2007/10/25
Divorce: The Truth About Ourselves
Most people who seek a divorce think they are getting away from a troublesome spouse--what many are fleeing is themselves. Mike Mason explains that the closer we are drawn to another person the more we are revealed in the other's light, revealed for what we are. Others are mirrors in which we see ourselves, not as we would like to be, but as we are. Whenever we pull away, searching in one mirror after another for a more pleasing image, what we are really doing is avoiding the truth about ourselves.
In the early years of our marriage Cathy and I battled frequently. We didn't even have the self-control to keep our fights private--I doubt either of our families would have bet a dollar on a 10th, or even a 5th, wedding anniversary! Being convinced that the weight of our problems rested on her, I prayed diligently that God would change her. But my prayers seemed to have little effect. So what was the solution? Was it time to admit my mistake and go fishing in the pond again? Thank God I didn't. Eventually through the Scriptures, and the patience of my wife, I was given sight. She didn’t need near as much help as I did: Lord, forgive me for being so blind. Remove my selfishness and pride. Help me become the husband you want me to be.
When my gardening tools need sharpening I take them to a friend who has a grinding wheel. As I lay the shovel on that rotating stone the sparks fly like it is the 4th of July. If my shovel could speak, it would probably scream at the stone’s grinding away of its nicks and notches. But if it avoids the stone, it looses its effectiveness. So it is in life. It is in the friction of intimacy that our rough edges can be revealed and removed. We must remember the counsel of Solomon: As iron sharpens iron, so does one person sharpen another. (Prov.27:17).
In the early years of our marriage Cathy and I battled frequently. We didn't even have the self-control to keep our fights private--I doubt either of our families would have bet a dollar on a 10th, or even a 5th, wedding anniversary! Being convinced that the weight of our problems rested on her, I prayed diligently that God would change her. But my prayers seemed to have little effect. So what was the solution? Was it time to admit my mistake and go fishing in the pond again? Thank God I didn't. Eventually through the Scriptures, and the patience of my wife, I was given sight. She didn’t need near as much help as I did: Lord, forgive me for being so blind. Remove my selfishness and pride. Help me become the husband you want me to be.
When my gardening tools need sharpening I take them to a friend who has a grinding wheel. As I lay the shovel on that rotating stone the sparks fly like it is the 4th of July. If my shovel could speak, it would probably scream at the stone’s grinding away of its nicks and notches. But if it avoids the stone, it looses its effectiveness. So it is in life. It is in the friction of intimacy that our rough edges can be revealed and removed. We must remember the counsel of Solomon: As iron sharpens iron, so does one person sharpen another. (Prov.27:17).
2007/10/04
Divorce: Divine Math
God, through the prophet Malachi, stated bluntly: I hate divorce. Why does divorce grieve God so deeply? Jesus explained that divorce negates God's original design: "For this reason a
man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. "
When two people wed, something profoundly spiritual takes place. Marriage is more than a legal contract. It is more than a sexual union. A new math is discovered: 1 + 1 = 1. God has joined together a husband and a wife into a spiritual unity. And when that unity is ripped apart, they feel the pain of dismemberment. A divorce . . . is not like the pieces of a puzzle coming apart, with precisely defined, individualized parts remaining whole and intact. It is more like trying to make two bodies out of a single body. Ouch!
Dr. Judy Wallerstein who has been studying the long-term effects of divorce for the past 30 years, began her research with the prejudice that divorce would be painful, but the wounds would soon heal. Her findings shouted a different message. Decades after the divorce, Wallerstein observed: I was braced for a few tears, reluctance to look back, lingering attachments, and maybe occasional regret that a divorce had ever happened. But I did not expect the experience to endure so fully for so many, with high drama, passions, vivid memories, fantasy relationships, jagged breaks in development, intense anger.
She concluded: There is no evidence that time alone diminishes feelings or memories; that hurt and depression are overcome; or that jealousy, anger, and outrage will vanish. Some experiences are just as painful ten years later; some memories haunt us for a lifetime. God designed us to have one partner for life. When this pledge is broken, it produces sour fruit.
There are certainly conditions in which divorce is the only option. (The Scriptures make provision for these divorces.) But the majority of divorces come out of relationships that could easily be saved. All marriages go through difficult times. One study found that only a minority of people who are unhappy in their marriages today still feel that way only five years later.
Hang on. Divorce is seldom a cure for unhappiness. And there are experiences that are far worse than enduring a mediocre marriage.
man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. "
When two people wed, something profoundly spiritual takes place. Marriage is more than a legal contract. It is more than a sexual union. A new math is discovered: 1 + 1 = 1. God has joined together a husband and a wife into a spiritual unity. And when that unity is ripped apart, they feel the pain of dismemberment. A divorce . . . is not like the pieces of a puzzle coming apart, with precisely defined, individualized parts remaining whole and intact. It is more like trying to make two bodies out of a single body. Ouch!
Dr. Judy Wallerstein who has been studying the long-term effects of divorce for the past 30 years, began her research with the prejudice that divorce would be painful, but the wounds would soon heal. Her findings shouted a different message. Decades after the divorce, Wallerstein observed: I was braced for a few tears, reluctance to look back, lingering attachments, and maybe occasional regret that a divorce had ever happened. But I did not expect the experience to endure so fully for so many, with high drama, passions, vivid memories, fantasy relationships, jagged breaks in development, intense anger.
She concluded: There is no evidence that time alone diminishes feelings or memories; that hurt and depression are overcome; or that jealousy, anger, and outrage will vanish. Some experiences are just as painful ten years later; some memories haunt us for a lifetime. God designed us to have one partner for life. When this pledge is broken, it produces sour fruit.
There are certainly conditions in which divorce is the only option. (The Scriptures make provision for these divorces.) But the majority of divorces come out of relationships that could easily be saved. All marriages go through difficult times. One study found that only a minority of people who are unhappy in their marriages today still feel that way only five years later.
Hang on. Divorce is seldom a cure for unhappiness. And there are experiences that are far worse than enduring a mediocre marriage.
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