2012/05/31
Joseph's Forgiveness, Final Thoughts
When Joseph revealed himself to his brothers, he agonized over their burden of guilt: Do not be distressed and do not be angry for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. Who should have been distressed and angry?! Joseph. But Joseph’s deepest desire toward his brothers was not for revenge, but for their reconciliation with God. His thrice-repeated claim that God was working for good was designed to turn his brothers’ hearts toward a gracious God.
How can an abused set aside his own pain and focus on his abuser’s pain? When he recognizes that his abuser is still highly valued by God: “He is a man for whom Christ died. No one for whom Christ died can be to me an enemy, an object of hate or scorn.” In fact, Jesus “valued each person more highly than he valued his own life!” Every person can become a saint (think of the murderer named Paul!) And my forgiveness may be this person’s only link to God.
Some injured people only crack the door on forgiveness: “I’ll forgive this time, but don’t let it happen again!” But our abusers will hurt us again. To become skilled at forgiving we must give up our demand for perfect behavior, as we understand that human beings are complicated, filled with many contradictions. When Jesus told the disciples that they would have to forgive seventy times seven, he picked a large number because he didn’t want them to become sin accountants. If we are counting it isn’t forgiveness.
Forgiving “opens the window of opportunity.... [It] always opens the future to better possibilities.” Look at all of the good that Joseph’s forgiveness ushered in: Dad was re-united with his favorite son; the whole family was reconciled; the brothers were able to clear away the rubble of their past; the Egyptians saw the model of what the true God can produce in people’s lives. And none of those marvelous things would have happened if Joseph had pursued revenge.
2012/04/25
Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us, Part 8
The Journey of Forgiveness
John and Diane were close friends of ours who shared numerous family vacations with us when our kids were young. Though we saw tension in their marriage we didn’t think it was anything fatal and were shocked when John moved out of his home and eventually asked for a divorce. He had become involved with another woman and eventually married her.
Some years later we were with Diane for a few days and we asked her what she had learned about forgiveness. She explained that she had had to learn how to forgive John again and again and again. When she was lonely, she had to forgive him for deserting her. When she struggled financially, she had to forgive him for not providing security for her. When they struggled with issues related to their children, she had to forgive him for destroying the family unity.
Diane learned what Joseph learned: forgiveness is not a once-for-all-time event. It is a state which must be maintained. When Joseph’s brothers came trembling to him when their dad died, fearful that Joseph’s forgiveness had been a sham to please Dad, Joseph repeated his enduring perspective: God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. (Gen.50:20). Every time Joseph was tempted to become bitter for his lost years or his lost family life or his lost innocence, he probably repeated to himself: God intended it for good, to save many lives. God intended it for good, to save many lives. God intended it for good, to save many lives.
Therefore, to maintain our forgiveness we must be very careful how we view the past. David Augsburger explains: “You may recall the hurt but you may not relive it. No reviewing, no rehashing of the old hurt, no going back to sit on the old gravestones where past grievances lie buried.” There is no indication that Joseph ever relived the day he was thrown into the pit or the day he was sold as a slave or the day he was thrown into the dungeon. Instead, he diligently carried out his God-given tasks.
Forgiveness, especially for life’s deepest hurts, is “a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey.” May God give you the grace to forgive “seventy times seven.”
John and Diane were close friends of ours who shared numerous family vacations with us when our kids were young. Though we saw tension in their marriage we didn’t think it was anything fatal and were shocked when John moved out of his home and eventually asked for a divorce. He had become involved with another woman and eventually married her.
Some years later we were with Diane for a few days and we asked her what she had learned about forgiveness. She explained that she had had to learn how to forgive John again and again and again. When she was lonely, she had to forgive him for deserting her. When she struggled financially, she had to forgive him for not providing security for her. When they struggled with issues related to their children, she had to forgive him for destroying the family unity.
Diane learned what Joseph learned: forgiveness is not a once-for-all-time event. It is a state which must be maintained. When Joseph’s brothers came trembling to him when their dad died, fearful that Joseph’s forgiveness had been a sham to please Dad, Joseph repeated his enduring perspective: God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. (Gen.50:20). Every time Joseph was tempted to become bitter for his lost years or his lost family life or his lost innocence, he probably repeated to himself: God intended it for good, to save many lives. God intended it for good, to save many lives. God intended it for good, to save many lives.
Therefore, to maintain our forgiveness we must be very careful how we view the past. David Augsburger explains: “You may recall the hurt but you may not relive it. No reviewing, no rehashing of the old hurt, no going back to sit on the old gravestones where past grievances lie buried.” There is no indication that Joseph ever relived the day he was thrown into the pit or the day he was sold as a slave or the day he was thrown into the dungeon. Instead, he diligently carried out his God-given tasks.
Forgiveness, especially for life’s deepest hurts, is “a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey.” May God give you the grace to forgive “seventy times seven.”
2012/04/02
Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us, Part 7
Forgiveness Removes the Poison
I have a friend who has lived an unstable, alcohol-dependent life for the past forty years. During one of our conversations, my slightly drunk friend became riled when the subject of his dad came up. He yelled: “And when I was in 8th grade he bought me right-handed golf clubs!” My left-handed friend has let that bitter memory drip poison into his life for over 40 years! Does time heal wounds? Only when it is combined with forgiveness.
How many of you would willingly let the person who has hurt you do it again? Would Joseph have given his brothers permission to throw him in a pit, threaten to kill him, and sell him again into slavery? Heaven forbid! But my friend is letting his father continue to abuse him in his memories. If he doesn’t learn how to forgive, his dad will keep abusing him, even after Dad is dead!
Reliving painful memories has corroded my friend’s strength for life's daily challenges. As Jesus said, “Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Joseph certainly forgave his brothers early in his trials. Otherwise, the rot of unforgiveness would have sapped his energy for serving Potiphar, the prison warden, and Pharaoh.
The longer we delay forgiving the sinner, the more entrenched the hurt becomes: “It is wiser to begin working toward forgiveness before the sting has begun to swell. Before the molehill mushrooms into a mountain. Before bitterness sets in like an infection.” If I have a splinter in my toe, I don't relish digging it out. But it is not nearly as horrific as leaving it until gangrene sets in and I have to amputate my toe!
Unforgiveness, then, is simply too costly to me: “It is cheaper to pardon than to resent. The high cost of anger, the extravagant expense of hatred, and the unreasonable interest on grudges make resentment out of the question!”
I have a friend who has lived an unstable, alcohol-dependent life for the past forty years. During one of our conversations, my slightly drunk friend became riled when the subject of his dad came up. He yelled: “And when I was in 8th grade he bought me right-handed golf clubs!” My left-handed friend has let that bitter memory drip poison into his life for over 40 years! Does time heal wounds? Only when it is combined with forgiveness.
How many of you would willingly let the person who has hurt you do it again? Would Joseph have given his brothers permission to throw him in a pit, threaten to kill him, and sell him again into slavery? Heaven forbid! But my friend is letting his father continue to abuse him in his memories. If he doesn’t learn how to forgive, his dad will keep abusing him, even after Dad is dead!
Reliving painful memories has corroded my friend’s strength for life's daily challenges. As Jesus said, “Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Joseph certainly forgave his brothers early in his trials. Otherwise, the rot of unforgiveness would have sapped his energy for serving Potiphar, the prison warden, and Pharaoh.
The longer we delay forgiving the sinner, the more entrenched the hurt becomes: “It is wiser to begin working toward forgiveness before the sting has begun to swell. Before the molehill mushrooms into a mountain. Before bitterness sets in like an infection.” If I have a splinter in my toe, I don't relish digging it out. But it is not nearly as horrific as leaving it until gangrene sets in and I have to amputate my toe!
Unforgiveness, then, is simply too costly to me: “It is cheaper to pardon than to resent. The high cost of anger, the extravagant expense of hatred, and the unreasonable interest on grudges make resentment out of the question!”
2012/02/27
Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us, Part 6
Joseph's Compassion
When Joseph’s brothers came before him with a request to buy grain, he charged: You are spies! You have come to see where our land is unprotected! He informed them that the only way they could prove their innocence was for one of them to stay in prison while the others returned home to bring back their only other brother, Benjamin.
The brothers’ hearts sank. Their father, Jacob, would never permit such a risky trip for his now-favored Benjamin. Standing before Joseph (and not knowing that he knew their language) they agonized: Surely we are being punished because of our brother. We saw how distressed he was when he pleaded with us for his life, but we would not listen; that’s why this distress has come upon us. When Joseph heard this, he turned away from them and wept. Why? He felt compassion for them. He saw the agony and guilt that was still strangling their hearts, 20 years after their evil deed!
We often forget about the agony of the guilty. In South Africa during Apartheid, there were many violent deeds committed. Later when Apartheid ended and formal reconciliation of the longtime enemies began, one of the perpetrators of those horrific deeds was drowning in guilt: “They can give me amnesty a thousand times. Even if God and everyone else forgives me a thousand times—I have to live with this hell. The problem is in my head, my conscience. There’s only one way to be free of it. Blow my own brains out. Because that’s where my hell is.” When Joseph saw the hell his brothers were living in, he promised to help them: I will provide for you because five years of famine are still to come. His compassion lead to kindness.
How can compassion transform our relationships? A wife who is struggling with her husband's neglect of their children, can release her anger by remembering that he had an absent father. A husband who resents the irritability of his wife can forgive when he remembers that she is going through menopause. A worker can forgive his stingy boss when she remembers that he doesn’t know the Good Shepherd.
Compassion enables us to lay the past to rest. (Isn’t this what we desperately want?!) When I am stuck in unforgiveness, I am focusing on what has been done to me; on my pain, my health, my welfare. But compassion shifts my eyes from my own pain to my brother’s needs: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
When Joseph’s brothers came before him with a request to buy grain, he charged: You are spies! You have come to see where our land is unprotected! He informed them that the only way they could prove their innocence was for one of them to stay in prison while the others returned home to bring back their only other brother, Benjamin.
The brothers’ hearts sank. Their father, Jacob, would never permit such a risky trip for his now-favored Benjamin. Standing before Joseph (and not knowing that he knew their language) they agonized: Surely we are being punished because of our brother. We saw how distressed he was when he pleaded with us for his life, but we would not listen; that’s why this distress has come upon us. When Joseph heard this, he turned away from them and wept. Why? He felt compassion for them. He saw the agony and guilt that was still strangling their hearts, 20 years after their evil deed!
We often forget about the agony of the guilty. In South Africa during Apartheid, there were many violent deeds committed. Later when Apartheid ended and formal reconciliation of the longtime enemies began, one of the perpetrators of those horrific deeds was drowning in guilt: “They can give me amnesty a thousand times. Even if God and everyone else forgives me a thousand times—I have to live with this hell. The problem is in my head, my conscience. There’s only one way to be free of it. Blow my own brains out. Because that’s where my hell is.” When Joseph saw the hell his brothers were living in, he promised to help them: I will provide for you because five years of famine are still to come. His compassion lead to kindness.
How can compassion transform our relationships? A wife who is struggling with her husband's neglect of their children, can release her anger by remembering that he had an absent father. A husband who resents the irritability of his wife can forgive when he remembers that she is going through menopause. A worker can forgive his stingy boss when she remembers that he doesn’t know the Good Shepherd.
Compassion enables us to lay the past to rest. (Isn’t this what we desperately want?!) When I am stuck in unforgiveness, I am focusing on what has been done to me; on my pain, my health, my welfare. But compassion shifts my eyes from my own pain to my brother’s needs: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
2012/02/02
Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us, Part 5
“Defining Forgiveness”
The primary New Testament word for forgiveness means literally to “release” or “let go”. When Joseph relinquished vengeance toward his brothers, he never picked it up again. In fact, it was his brothers who couldn't let it go. When their father Jacob died years later, they anxiously asked themselves: What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back or all the wrongs we did to him? They were afraid that Joseph had been plotting revenge, only waiting for Dad’s death. But Joseph still would not condemn them for the sludge of the past, only speaking his enduring conviction that God intended it for good... the saving of many lives. And when they offered themselves as his slaves, Joseph turned them down and graciously promised to care for them in the years to come: Don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children. His genuine forgiveness demanded no apologies, no reformation, no restitution. Wow!
The ancient Greeks did not praise forgiveness. They believed forgiveness was appropriate if actions were done primarily through ignorance. But for evil deeds, they thought revenge was the appropriate response. And revenge was sweetest if done by the hands of the injured.
Why didn't Joseph get even with his brothers? He believed in a different sort of justice. When his brothers feared retaliation, he asked: Am I in the place of God? When he forgave, he was releasing his brothers to the True Judge, The He-Never-Errs-In-His-Judging Judge who will give to each person what is due him for things done while in the body, whether good or bad. (II Cor.5:10)
Jay Adams has written that when I forgive, I am making three promises:
I will not bring the matter up to you.
I will not bring the matter up to others.
I will not bring the matter up to myself.
The last promise—to not bring the matter up to myself—is the basis of the other two. When I don’t hold onto bitter memories, I won’t act out thoughts which hurt you or your name.
The primary New Testament word for forgiveness means literally to “release” or “let go”. When Joseph relinquished vengeance toward his brothers, he never picked it up again. In fact, it was his brothers who couldn't let it go. When their father Jacob died years later, they anxiously asked themselves: What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back or all the wrongs we did to him? They were afraid that Joseph had been plotting revenge, only waiting for Dad’s death. But Joseph still would not condemn them for the sludge of the past, only speaking his enduring conviction that God intended it for good... the saving of many lives. And when they offered themselves as his slaves, Joseph turned them down and graciously promised to care for them in the years to come: Don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children. His genuine forgiveness demanded no apologies, no reformation, no restitution. Wow!
The ancient Greeks did not praise forgiveness. They believed forgiveness was appropriate if actions were done primarily through ignorance. But for evil deeds, they thought revenge was the appropriate response. And revenge was sweetest if done by the hands of the injured.
Why didn't Joseph get even with his brothers? He believed in a different sort of justice. When his brothers feared retaliation, he asked: Am I in the place of God? When he forgave, he was releasing his brothers to the True Judge, The He-Never-Errs-In-His-Judging Judge who will give to each person what is due him for things done while in the body, whether good or bad. (II Cor.5:10)
Jay Adams has written that when I forgive, I am making three promises:
I will not bring the matter up to you.
I will not bring the matter up to others.
I will not bring the matter up to myself.
The last promise—to not bring the matter up to myself—is the basis of the other two. When I don’t hold onto bitter memories, I won’t act out thoughts which hurt you or your name.
2012/01/07
Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us, Part 4
“Forgiveness Doesn’t Minimize Sin”
A true injury should not be sanitized: “Oh, that’s no big deal.” Though Joseph came to understand that God had used his brothers’ sin for good, he still believed their intent was to do evil. (Gen.50:20). As C.S. Lewis has written, “Christianity does not want us to reduce by one atom the hatred we feel for cruelty and treachery. We ought to hate them.” Thus the Bible commands us to be angry and do not sin.
Why is the forgiver’s anger important? First, if I let my anger go too quickly, I may lose the drive to protect myself (and others) from being injured again by this person. The games Joseph played with his grain-seeking brothers—jail time for all, jail time for one, their silver secretly returned in their sacks—may have been designed to answer the questions: Have they changed? Should I seek a relationship with them? A wife whose husband has been abusive must forgive him. But it may not be wise to let him back into the house—not all abusers should get their jobs back.
Lewis Smedes explains the gulf between forgiveness and reconciliation:
It takes one person to forgive.
It takes two to be reunited.
We can forgive a person who never says he is sorry.
We cannot be truly reunited unless he is honestly sorry.
Forgiving has no strings attached.
Reunion has several strings attached.
Rightful anger is also important because the sinner needs to see his sin through the eyes of a righteous God. Joseph’s brothers needed God’s forgiveness even more than their brother’s. Though it may have been easier for Joseph to suffer in silence, calling his brother’s actions evil may have helped them face their guilt before a holy God. Otherwise, they may have concluded that no real change was needed.
Though the forgiver’s anger must never turn to vengeance, it doesn’t have to abandon justice. (Admittedly, the line between vengeance and justice is faint and unsteady). Or as Lewis has written, “we may punish, if necessary, but we must not enjoy it.” A forgiving Joseph would have been justified in throwing his wicked brothers in prison.
Forgiveness, reconciliation and justice are separate issues.
A true injury should not be sanitized: “Oh, that’s no big deal.” Though Joseph came to understand that God had used his brothers’ sin for good, he still believed their intent was to do evil. (Gen.50:20). As C.S. Lewis has written, “Christianity does not want us to reduce by one atom the hatred we feel for cruelty and treachery. We ought to hate them.” Thus the Bible commands us to be angry and do not sin.
Why is the forgiver’s anger important? First, if I let my anger go too quickly, I may lose the drive to protect myself (and others) from being injured again by this person. The games Joseph played with his grain-seeking brothers—jail time for all, jail time for one, their silver secretly returned in their sacks—may have been designed to answer the questions: Have they changed? Should I seek a relationship with them? A wife whose husband has been abusive must forgive him. But it may not be wise to let him back into the house—not all abusers should get their jobs back.
Lewis Smedes explains the gulf between forgiveness and reconciliation:
It takes one person to forgive.
It takes two to be reunited.
We can forgive a person who never says he is sorry.
We cannot be truly reunited unless he is honestly sorry.
Forgiving has no strings attached.
Reunion has several strings attached.
Rightful anger is also important because the sinner needs to see his sin through the eyes of a righteous God. Joseph’s brothers needed God’s forgiveness even more than their brother’s. Though it may have been easier for Joseph to suffer in silence, calling his brother’s actions evil may have helped them face their guilt before a holy God. Otherwise, they may have concluded that no real change was needed.
Though the forgiver’s anger must never turn to vengeance, it doesn’t have to abandon justice. (Admittedly, the line between vengeance and justice is faint and unsteady). Or as Lewis has written, “we may punish, if necessary, but we must not enjoy it.” A forgiving Joseph would have been justified in throwing his wicked brothers in prison.
Forgiveness, reconciliation and justice are separate issues.
2011/12/19
Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us, Part 3
“God’s Work”
Joseph was enslaved, slandered, and shackled because of the jealous hatred of his brothers. What had he done to deserve such cruelty? At worst, he was a puffed up brat.
But now (20 years later) when Joseph’s grain-desperate brothers stood before their unrecognized brother, Joseph had the authority to avenge their wickedness. Instead, he forgave them. Why? When Joseph finally revealed himself as the long-lost brother, three times (Gen.45:4-8) he trumpeted God’s baffling control over these evil events:
• It was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.
• God sent me ahead of you to preserve a remnant for you.
• It was not you who sent me here, but God.
God sent me.... God sent me.... God sent me--is there a theme here?! Though his brothers were sub-agents, Joseph believed that God was the ultimate agent of his hardships. Sinful human will combined mysteriously with divine will to save Jacob’s family from a greater tragedy.
Were Joseph’s brothers, then, dangling on the strings of an omnipotent puppeteer? The Bible doesn’t answer this question in either/or terms. Man is free and God is in control. How can both be true? I don’t know. But Joseph could forgive because he saw God craft good from his brothers’ evil.
As with Joseph, we may wait decades before we see God’s fingerprints in our suffering. We might be tempted to whisper in God’s ear, “Couldn’t you make it a little more obvious that You are in charge?!” Joseph had suffered in the dark all those years. But when he saw his brothers bow before him, he recalled his childhood dreams of his brothers’ obeisance. He now knew that this whole experience was somehow a part of God’s greater, life-saving plans.
God asks us to forgive before we discern the good that He will spawn. It is the promise that in all things God works for the good of those who love him which sustains us. If you were ignored by a self-absorbed father, forgive your father and trust God to bring good out of that evil. If you lost your job because a co-worker fraudulently undermined you, forgive your co-worker and trust God to bring good out of his malice. If your brother swindled you out of your inheritance, forgive your brother and trust God to care for your genuine needs. If you were sexually abused as a child, forgive the abuser and trust God to bring good out of that wickedness.
We serve a God who dwarfs and can transform any sin—remember the victory of the cross!
Joseph was enslaved, slandered, and shackled because of the jealous hatred of his brothers. What had he done to deserve such cruelty? At worst, he was a puffed up brat.
But now (20 years later) when Joseph’s grain-desperate brothers stood before their unrecognized brother, Joseph had the authority to avenge their wickedness. Instead, he forgave them. Why? When Joseph finally revealed himself as the long-lost brother, three times (Gen.45:4-8) he trumpeted God’s baffling control over these evil events:
• It was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.
• God sent me ahead of you to preserve a remnant for you.
• It was not you who sent me here, but God.
God sent me.... God sent me.... God sent me--is there a theme here?! Though his brothers were sub-agents, Joseph believed that God was the ultimate agent of his hardships. Sinful human will combined mysteriously with divine will to save Jacob’s family from a greater tragedy.
Were Joseph’s brothers, then, dangling on the strings of an omnipotent puppeteer? The Bible doesn’t answer this question in either/or terms. Man is free and God is in control. How can both be true? I don’t know. But Joseph could forgive because he saw God craft good from his brothers’ evil.
As with Joseph, we may wait decades before we see God’s fingerprints in our suffering. We might be tempted to whisper in God’s ear, “Couldn’t you make it a little more obvious that You are in charge?!” Joseph had suffered in the dark all those years. But when he saw his brothers bow before him, he recalled his childhood dreams of his brothers’ obeisance. He now knew that this whole experience was somehow a part of God’s greater, life-saving plans.
God asks us to forgive before we discern the good that He will spawn. It is the promise that in all things God works for the good of those who love him which sustains us. If you were ignored by a self-absorbed father, forgive your father and trust God to bring good out of that evil. If you lost your job because a co-worker fraudulently undermined you, forgive your co-worker and trust God to bring good out of his malice. If your brother swindled you out of your inheritance, forgive your brother and trust God to care for your genuine needs. If you were sexually abused as a child, forgive the abuser and trust God to bring good out of that wickedness.
We serve a God who dwarfs and can transform any sin—remember the victory of the cross!
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